Weird Behaviour of PD's

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Sweetbriar

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Weird Behaviour of PD's
« on: February 10, 2020, 01:19:20 PM »
Hello,

This incident has been on my mind lately and I wanted to share it with you.

So, is this really weird? Maybe because I come from such dysfunction I doubt myself? But years ago I had moved away, across the country from my FOO. I was gone for seven years. In about the second year away, my father sent me a large boxed package. In it were a number of items that I had stored away in his garage. I had put them in a thick, faux leather bag with a padlock on it, because I had been experimenting with writing and there was a lot of embarrassing journals in there.

He mailed much of it back to me, but the only way he could have got the stuff was to literally cut the bag open, because of the lock. There were letters and many many pieces of writing and cards from other people. I think on some of it, he wrote comments.

He read ALL OF MY PRIVATE memorabilia.  :'(

I was sickened. I literally felt like I was going to throw up.

I moved back to my home town (where the FOO lives) in the early 2000's and became more and more educated about personality disorders. My father seems to have one, but hides it very well to the general public. Behind closed doors he is hoarder. And now that he is in his 80's he is trying to control my life and uses silent treatments and comes to my house uninvited and drops of bags of newspaper clippings. I don't read them anymore. I am trying to go NC.

I am having an especially hard day today. Can't stop crying. I wish I had stayed 3000 miles away. Why did I move back?

And what was that, mailing me back my private letters?

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2020, 12:05:20 PM »
Uh... gross.  I'm so sorry that he did this to you.  It is an extreme invasion of your privacy.  PDs do this so that now he has the upper hand over you.  My uBPDm would read my diary ALL THE TIME when I was a kid.  I stopped writing in one.  When I moved out, I thought I was safe and found that my xuNPDh was reading my journals and subtlety quoting them.  It's to try and get ammo to use and or feel superior.  And for him to actually make comments!  SMDH.  I do not blame you for going NC.  I went NC with my M years ago.   

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rubixcube

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2020, 12:16:16 PM »
Sweetbriar

I have a particularly traumatic memory from when I was 12 years old. I had a toolbox in my room, with a lock on it. I had some cigarettes, a naughty magazine, and some odds and ends in it. I guess I already sensed that my boundaries would be violated and I had no privacy so I locked my questionable things up. Well, I came home, the lock was busted off, and I was punished. I was terrified, violated, and broken. My dad is uNPD of the grandiose type.

With PDs they just trample over your boundaries. Busting into our stuff is just a literal manifestation of that very thing they do to our emotional life and vulnerabilities. I truly feel your pain. It turns my stomach too to read your account. If we erect them, inner boundaries are the only ones they can't violate. They will try to wittle away at them though, I can guarantee that.

My uCovertNPDw was furious with me in couples counseling(yes, I made the mistake of trying that early on). She was furious because she wanted to see what was in my journal, and I wouldn't let her. It's in my computer and locked by a password only I know. No chance. I stuck to my guns and said it's mine, and I don't want to share it. She weaponized that against me for months. It was an absolute nightmare.

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p123

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2020, 12:50:57 PM »
Wow thats just awful.....

I think its common though. My Dad would be similar I think. His attitude always seems to be "so why can't I know? Why the big secret?"

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Sweetbriar

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2020, 01:04:17 PM »
Thank you to each of you. It helps for me to understand my reaction. My reaction was normal. What happened to me, at the time, having no education about personality disorders, was very very unsettling and confusing. I was sick and angry.

The thing that I find frustrating about myself and this painfully slow healing process, is that I can never express my anger at him. I grew up so afraid of my parents that I learned to go silent and the anger has been turned inward. In life I do this too. If someone hurts me, I go very quiet and I back away. I cannot be direct with people. i am so so so scared.

And then... sometimes the withheld anger has come out so inappropriately. I burst and scream. I have never learned how to deal with the discomfort of normal conflict.

I despise what he did. I despise it so much, it makes me ill all over again thinking about it.

Thank you for helping me. Knowing this was absurdly wrong, is so important with me as I learn to set boundaries now with him.  He is a very sick person.

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rubixcube

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2020, 01:16:10 PM »

The thing that I find frustrating about myself and this painfully slow healing process, is that I can never express my anger at him. I grew up so afraid of my parents that I learned to go silent and the anger has been turned inward. In life I do this too. If someone hurts me, I go very quiet and I back away. I cannot be direct with people. i am so so so scared.

And then... sometimes the withheld anger has come out so inappropriately. I burst and scream. I have never learned how to deal with the discomfort of normal conflict.

You are so not alone. A sweet, sensitive  soul, early exposed to abuse, if you ask me.
Have you discovered much about codependence yet?
Reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie might be an eye opener, if not.

Healing is akin to character building. These are normally slow processes. Pete Walker in "Complex PTSD"(another phenomenal book to read) said something like. 'healing is like taking two steps forward, one step back.' THe good news though is that you will heal, if you take action and put energy into your own healing. You will come OOTF eventually.

Best of luck to you! I look forward to reading more posts of yours!

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rubixcube

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2020, 01:18:09 PM »
I despise what he did. I despise it so much, it makes me ill all over again thinking about it.

Definitely a normal reaction too. You were violated. Your privacy wasn't respected. It's normal to feel anger at that.

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Sweetbriar

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2020, 02:14:17 PM »
Thank you for validating those feelings @rubixcube

I did read Co-dependent No More, many years ago. Might deserve a re-visit. Recently I read the Walker book and that one really opened my eyes.

The more educated I get about this stuff, the more distance it puts between my FOO. I don't want to say ignorance is bliss, because it isn't, but, me "waking up" so to speak has changed everything. And as we know PD'ed family tribes don't like a dissenter. I am the ultimate scapegoat now. They feed off of all the rumours about me being the bad daughter who doesn't help her elderly parents.

I feel like lately I am in a foxhole hiding from them.

All of this sucks. But at least when I read the posts here, it begins to reprogram my thinking. I have been living in an upside down world for many years and now it's like I have to learn a brand new language, and seek out those who might know the language as well. And there are few.

Thanks so much again for your helpful and kind responses.

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rubixcube

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2020, 02:40:18 PM »
OOTF is the best possible place we can be!
Glad you're here.

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Sweetbriar

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2020, 03:22:55 PM »
Thank you so much rubixcube!

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startwhereyouare

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2020, 11:33:34 PM »
You are not alone. Over stepping boundaries, even from 3000 miles away, was surely designed to maintain some sick sense of control, and drain your supply. Years ago, I had our 2nd baby and moved into a new house. I sent out announcements with new little 'we've moved' cards. Months after this, my SIL sent my baby's newborn picture BURNED back to me in the we've moved card. Actually took the time to mail it back to me. I was horrified. I hadn't heard from her in months, we weren't even close, and this is what happens? My H's whole family made me feel like I was blowing it out of proportion.
And here I am 20 years later divorcing  her nPD brother. When she found out she sent me 20 minutes of hammer and nails into a cross emoji's, said I was killing Jesus all over again for leaving my husband.
When my nphH first was removed from our home at the first of this year, I was gathering some items to put in a bag for him at the hospital (ever the caretaker, I am). I found stacks of my grandmother's letters she had written me years ago, torn into shreds and put back into the envelope. I should have seen those red flags sooner.
As a NON, I don't ever see myself getting over the PD's ability to shock me with the most horrifying behavior. I can't hide my facial expressions sometimes, and I'm sure that the H reacted to that numerous times over the years, his whole family probably did. But leaving and going NC was the only way I have been able to accept it, I could not continue to live with it.
Remember, as weird or sick as it is, it is never about you, it's about the PD.

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Sweetbriar

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2020, 03:32:55 PM »
startwhereyouare Oh my gosh. That is so creepy what your SIL did. What a very very very sick individual. I feel a great sense of relief that you are out of that family and no longer with the xNh.

All of this boggles my brain. I can't believe after all of these years I still have such confusion about my father's behaviour. But you're right. He extracted some strange supply from what he did. Yeck. Yeck. Yeck!

I am still not familiar with the acronyms here. What does NON mean?


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losingmyself

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2020, 04:49:51 PM »
 https://outofthefog.website/acronyms
NON refers to a person who does not have a personality disorder. Like those of us here.
I have a journal hidden in my house. In it, it says very clearly "If you find this and read it, I'm divorcing you"  I know that he wouldn't be able to hide the fact that he read it, as there are some very damaging things in there. And his PD would almost force him to make some reference to it.
I am sorry you had your privacy violated like that, it must have felt awful.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2020, 05:37:15 PM »
I left all my school cards and letters from friends at my parents place when I moved. It sat for years untouched. I moved to a different continent. My parents were selling the house and asked me if I wanted them back.

When I got them my mother told me how she’d read them all. I felt sick. They were silly little notes that teenage girls send each other, but I felt so violated. More so than by anything else that happened.

I hung on to them for a couple of years and then threw them out. They were tainted for ever in my mind.

I was so angry at her about this. I was deep in FOG at the time so it took me a while to realize that the feelings I had were of being violated  and that my family had never had any boundaries. I was never allowed anything of my own. My parents always assumed it was their right to access my things.

It seems like such a small thing in the surface but it’s such a terrible violation. I’m really sorry he did that.

I’m angry all over again just typing this. It took a long time for me to see how enmeshed my family was. I’m still working through all of that.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 06:31:15 PM by GettingOOTF »

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Sweetbriar

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2020, 06:26:43 PM »
Thanks for sharing with me both of you.

It seems to me that the PDparent cannot imagine their child being a soul unto their own. We are extensions and they feel they always have the right to control. But writings are similar to what is in your mind. Nobody has the right to read your mind. I am sure my father would do it if he could. Their addiction to control is hideous.

I'm sorry your mom read your letters. Mine too had a lot of correspondence and notes from highschool, but the later stuff was my attempt to learn to creatively write, when I had finished university. I was twenty-one and had been reading Henry Miller. It was really experimental and private. I don't know if it's proper to say I hate him for that, but I feel that way. I feel extreme rage that he did that. To cut open the bag, is the sickest part. It's like he ripped a part of me open to inspect. He cares about no one but himself.

I have been grappling with no contact with my parents for over a year now and out of all the things that happened in my formative years, I think that this one, for some reason gives me the most pain. It tells me that he is a human that is beyond remorse and every bit of trust that he can even be human feels lost to me.

I cannot believe that my sister remains loyal to him. I guess she decided it was easier to adopt his belief system, as she now is enmeshed with her two adult children.


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rubixcube

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2020, 08:58:46 AM »
and every bit of trust that he can even be human feels lost to me.


It's easy to begin thinking this way, but it may not be the most accurate.ive had to face the same thoughts about my wife.

What I discovered is that my love for her as a wife is dead. My trust in her as a human is dead. What that means is that she no longer functions in the role of wife/partner/couple or friend for me.

As a human, I have nothing but pity and love for her. Her dysfuntion is not her fault as much as mine is not my fault. I can pity that. Watching my w destroy her relationship with me through abusive behavior builds more pity and compassion in me(but it definitely hurts). I truly wish her only healing and the best in her life, but I question whether I want to be a part of that life.

That was a big eye opener for me: to realize love has many types.

A similar thing is happening in respect to my uNPDf. I am almost NC with him. He doesn't call me, so I don't call him. Everything I said about my wife applies to how I view my relationship with him too.

It's liberating to know I have no Ill will toward them, and that I understand the roles of each relationship and where those relationships have failed.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2020, 09:00:30 AM by rubixcube »

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Jsinjin

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #16 on: February 13, 2020, 09:40:07 AM »
SB:

I understand and completely feel your pain.  I think that a common train among PD abuse recepients is that they don't speak up because if they did fight and establish boundaries the PD would not have a relationship with them.   

I am so conflict avoidant as well.   I hate that I dislike to tell people no or let them know that I have boundaries.   PDs will trample that and understand how to raise the stakes in a conflict to  maintain control.   

It is probably difficult but your biggest control lever to protect yourself and heal is your silent strength turned inward and outward at the same time.   Telling someone impassively without anger or violence that they have crossed a boundary and that you prefer not to talk to them or prefer not to be around them and then leaving literally takes back control.    Expect the PD to raise the stakes in anger at this but understanding yourself and your boundaries and simply stating without any other discussion that they have crossed a boundary and you prefer not to be around them anymore will give you the strength to hold that line.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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rubixcube

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #17 on: February 13, 2020, 11:08:07 AM »
 :yeahthat: Jsinjsin.

I'm also in the same boat as you all, very conflict avoidant.
It's hard to practice assertiveness with someone we sense is unsafe.

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Sweetbriar

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #18 on: February 13, 2020, 01:42:28 PM »
:yeahthat: Jsinjsin.
It's hard to practice assertiveness with someone we sense is unsafe.

Yes. That is exactly it. There have been a few times I've spoken out and addressed something that bothered me with someone and I couldn't believe it was taken with grace and kindness. In my formative years this was the opposite. Speaking out was met with violence, either yelling, damning, rejecting or even hitting. I once made the mistake of saying to my mother, "I don't think you love me," and she went berserker. She screamed her head off about everything she'd ever done for me and ended it with, 'you are no longer my daughter.'

I was mush in the back seat of the car. And now I absolutely shake if I have to face a boss, or even a doctor for that matter, for something I need.

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startwhereyouare

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Re: Weird Behaviour of PD's
« Reply #19 on: February 15, 2020, 12:41:01 AM »
Sweetbriar - I hope you find this site not only educational but uplifting, supportive and enlightening. I know I have.
In my marriage, I found myself avoiding conflict, walking on eggshells, training my kids to do the same. Over the years we created our own pattern of behaviors around his, becoming codependent. I am an empathetic and caring person. He came from a crap family and I wanted to be a part of giving him the family he never had. In doing so, I fell right into it.
The no contact part was the hardest decision. even after I made the decision to divorce. We have kids together, we just had our first grandchild. But I learned you can't give more than your abundance, and I didn't have anything else to give. Every manufactured crisis and emotional emergency was wrecking more havoc on me than when I was trying to stay a committed partner.  Once I went no contact, gave myself the space, and was able to look just at facts, I too, was able to just look at the different levels of love. I do not wish him any ill will. I want him to be healthy. I can love him from a distance, but I have accepted that this is who he is, and there is a tremendous weight of my shoulders in that acceptance.  Although he is not who I thought I married,he is the father of our 2 beautiful kids, and he has a disorder that has no cure. I know that unless he willingly participates in modifying some things, will continue to self destruct. No matter what pain he or his has caused me, I think the pain he suffers with is far greater.