Have you ever considered changing your name?

Rize · February 10, 2020, 02:02:54 PM

I know this is a bit of a weird one, but have any of you either considered/actually changed your given name?

I don't have an especially 'odd' or 'horrible' name, but i've never liked it and I still to this day hear my mothers voice whenever someone calls me by my full name (I have a name which can be shortened/can have many nicknames etc). NPDM only used my name when I was in BIG trouble (she mostly referred to me as it/she/her), so my own name reminds me of her. It sounds stupid even typing it out, but it makes me cringe and feel uncomfortable whenever I hear my name/have to give it for any reason.

There's also a part of me that wants to 'shed' myself of it, as a way of further distancing myself from my god awful family.

Is this a weird thing to consider? I've thought about it for a really long time.

GettingOOTF · February 10, 2020, 02:14:51 PM

I don't think it's weird at all. I've toyed with it myself.

My parents assumed I'd be a boy so when I was born they had no girl's name picked out. I was premature so taken away as soon as I was born. They came up with a girl's name but apparently when they saw me for the first time they decided I was not "regal enough" for the name. Instead they gave me the most common, working class name of the time. It seems like every other woman my age from that background shares my name. Plus it wasn't given out of any love or kind consideration.

I have often toyed with changing it. It doesn't suit me. My parents also referred to me as "she" etc. and my BPDxH refused to use my name (which I somehow thought was acceptable) so I would only hear it when I was in trouble. Till this day I have a negative reaction when I hear my name.

I can't think of a better name though and it seems like it would be a pain getting people to call me by the new name.

It's funny as I know a couple of people who go by "they/them" prounouns and I have such a negative reaction when I have to use them as to me those are a way to totally erase a person. It's been a lot of work for me to use them and not feel totally uncomfortable.

Have you come up with a new name?

NumbLotus · February 10, 2020, 02:24:29 PM

I have a friend who has shortened her name in a way it is not usually shortened because she hears her abusive ex-husband when called by her regular name. It is not weird at all.

Rize · February 10, 2020, 02:25:14 PM

I had many classmates who shared my name too! When the conversation of names came up, I was called what I am 'because it's all (she) could think of' lol. For years afterwards, she would say 'I should've called you XX' or 'XX would've been better for you'. So names have always been a bit 'meh'.

My DH pretty much refers to me as 'babe' haha, so it's weird when he uses my name and I freeze initially.

Yep, with the pronouns - at first I felt a bit rude when I used their preferred, as They/them was intended as an insult to me for years!

There are actually a couple of names I really like, and when I've translated the meanings they usually come up as 'strength/tough' etc which i also like!

I floated the idea of name change a while back, and DH panicked as he has my name tattooed lol. I completely forgot about that

GettingOOTF · February 10, 2020, 02:50:46 PM

Lol at the tattoo. Ha.

Pepin · February 10, 2020, 03:22:46 PM

I have considered it because I hate my first and middle name. Happily I got rid of my last name through marriage - and if that doesn't work out for whatever reason, I will choose a new last name. That being said, yes, I know someone that legally changed their entire full name to rid themselves of their abusive parent.

Call Me Cordelia · February 10, 2020, 04:11:41 PM

I've toyed with it and decided against it. But it's not weird. I have stopped using my middle name/initial unless it's required.

Friends of mine both changed their names to a new last name when they got married. They both came from dysfunctional families and wanted to emphasize they were starting a new family.

Amadahy · February 10, 2020, 07:21:27 PM

I think that could be really healing and empowering! ❤️

DH will need more ink! Lol 🤣

theonetoblame · February 10, 2020, 08:00:05 PM

Yup, and actually did it, legally with all the paperwork etc. It still feels fierce

. Contempt can be healthy!

It's rumored the renowned psychologist Erik Erickson changed his surname from Homberger to Erickson in response to a troubling and absent relationship with his father. He concluded he had no father and had raised himself i.e. that he was his own son, hence ErikSon he became. HAHA -- I love that story

SparkStillLit · February 10, 2020, 11:32:41 PM

I have thought about it. I've never particularly liked my name, and everyone under the sun mispronounces it. The only time I heard my given name, it was said in a white hot fury. Updh has suddenly taken to calling me by my given name, which I loathe. I have made this clear time after time, but no surprise, he continues to do it.
My compromise was to use a common short version of names similar to mine, one that a much loved family member called me by (still does). I still have my yucky name, but mostly don't hear it except in a professional setting, where I'm pretty immune to the ugly association.
Family and friends all call me the short version.

Rize · February 11, 2020, 06:58:36 AM

Thanks everyone for replying. It's something I'm 99% certain I'm going to do this year.

I spoke to a few people about it expecting them to be shocked/question why, and they were indifferent haha. More interested in what names I'm thinking of.

Quote from: theonetoblame on February 10, 2020, 08:00:05 PM
Yup, and actually did it, legally with all the paperwork etc. It still feels fierce . Contempt can be healthy!

It's rumored the renowned psychologist Erik Erickson changed his surname from Homberger to Erickson in response to a troubling and absent relationship with his father. He concluded he had no father and had raised himself i.e. that he was his own son, hence ErikSon he became. HAHA -- I love that story

^That's a great story!

Quote from: Amadahy on February 10, 2020, 07:21:27 PM
I think that could be really healing and empowering! ❤️

DH will need more ink! Lol 🤣

Yeah, he keeps looking at his tattoo now and sighing (bwahaha).

MamaDryad · February 11, 2020, 08:36:29 AM

I have seriously considered it, but I struggle even to name characters in things I'm writing, so the odds of me coming up with one that I like are slim.
My first name is EXTREMELY common among women my age, and my last name is nearly unique (the only other people with it in my city are my estranged mother, and now my son, whose last name is hyphenated). I really wanted to take my wife's name when we married, but unfortunately, there is a very infamous serial killer in another English-speaking country whose name I would share if I had done so. People in the U.S. haven't heard of her, but nearly everyone in that country has. Even a hyphenated version would have been problematic (think Jeffrey Dahmer-Jones).
I really would love to change my first and middle names, though. I hate the sound of anyone saying my name, and it's because of how often it was used to shut me down. Like many manipulative parents, all my mother had to do was say "Okay, [name]" and sigh, and it was more dismissive and invalidating than a string of expletives from another person would be. As for my middle name... well, it's her name.

1footouttadefog · February 27, 2020, 07:44:53 AM

I have known folks who did so unofficially. They either used a nickname or a shortened version or a middle name.

It can be as simple as filling out the orefered name place on the doctor's office form, joining a new church and giving your new name, giving your prefered name at work etc.

It was interesting to find that some of my spouses relatives use entirely different names away from family. His family is the only place they get called by give name.