It Doesn't Get Better for Everyone, Does It?

[_apparentlywicked]

Oh fogdawg. Why is it the loveliest people don't know it? I've been through hard times too. Dark times. Hold on to the good in people. Have you spent much time nurturing your inner child? I talk to mine. Even out loud when I'm alone and doing deep thinking.

You're so insightful and loving. Visit some of that beautiful love on yourself.
❤️

[FogDawg]

Thanks for your kind and encouraging words, _apparentlywicked. Away from here, I have quite a difficult time seeing the good in people and believing that there is not an ulterior motive when someone is kind, which I am sure applies to many members (or had at one point). I was bullied in school and not a soul ever stood up for me. I used to drop everything for friends and the only thing that it got me was taken advantage of and then discarded. I have been yelled at or completely ignored by bosses; taken off the schedule on a whim to be able to give their friends the hours; written up for absolute nonsense, some 'posthumously', just to be able to justify letting me go; and, continuing the last, having those false charges presented to the state when I attempted to file unemployment, leaving me having to fight tooth and nail for the benefits, for months, with no income in the meantime (I finally wound up getting paid, mainly thanks to a lawyer who I should not have had to hire in the first place and pay money that I did not have to). I certainly do not see the world through rose-colored glasses. I trust a few people enough to lower my guard a bit with them and do my best to show that they matter to me, though little of it comes naturally.

No, I do not acknowledge or attempt to soothe my inner child; I would not even know how to begin. I wish that I could think of myself the way that you mention. Thank you again. You are amazing in your own right and I am sorry for what you have been through.

[_apparentlywicked]

Morning Dawg

Take a look at this if you're interested in talking to your inner child.

  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201808/deep-secrets-and-inner-child-healing

I've recently learnt the term although I can see I have always done it but just was soothing myself by saying the sorts of things friends would say.

Visualizing myself as a small child helps me because it's easier to be gushy. It's more emotional than imagining friends talking to adult me.

Also because of the abuse it feels harder to go nurture my adult self that way because I've got this looped message in my adult head of 'you're bad and wrong and worthless'. So when I imagine my inner child it dissolves that narrative because children are innocent and vulnerable so I feel fiercely protective of her.

How are you today? ❤️

[Adria]

FogDawg,

Jerry Wise has some interesting videos on Utube regarding all this craziness.  I found this one quite helpful for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCyHIgb-o2Y

It's called "Building Up Your Ability To Go Without Love Or Approval." 

It breaks my heart that you are in the throws of it right now.  It is so terribly, terribly difficult.  Every time I read your posts, it's like I've written them myself, as I'm sure many others here feel the same.  You are so insightful and have so much to offer us here at the forum and to the world in general.  I'm glad you are here. Wish it wasn't for your stated reasons, but thank you for bringing so much thought and insight to us.  You are not how you've been treated. You have risen above it, and you will keep rising, FogDawg.  Hugs, Adria

[FogDawg]

Morning Dawg

Take a look at this if you're interested in talking to your inner child.

  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201808/deep-secrets-and-inner-child-healing

I've recently learnt the term although I can see I have always done it but just was soothing myself by saying the sorts of things friends would say.

Visualizing myself as a small child helps me because it's easier to be gushy. It's more emotional than imagining friends talking to adult me.

Also because of the abuse it feels harder to go nurture my adult self that way because I've got this looped message in my adult head of 'you're bad and wrong and worthless'. So when I imagine my inner child it dissolves that narrative because children are innocent and vulnerable so I feel fiercely protective of her.

How are you today? ❤️

Good afternoon, Randy Jackson I am not sure how effective the method would be for me, but I do appreciate the link detailing it. I'm glad that the technique works for you. I am decent at the moment, thanks. How are you holding up, _apparentlywicked?

FogDawg,

Jerry Wise has some interesting videos on Utube regarding all this craziness.  I found this one quite helpful for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCyHIgb-o2Y

It's called "Building Up Your Ability To Go Without Love Or Approval." 

It breaks my heart that you are in the throws of it right now.  It is so terribly, terribly difficult.  Every time I read your posts, it's like I've written them myself, as I'm sure many others here feel the same.  You are so insightful and have so much to offer us here at the forum and to the world in general.  I'm glad you are here. Wish it wasn't for your stated reasons, but thank you for bringing so much thought and insight to us.  You are not how you've been treated. You have risen above it, and you will keep rising, FogDawg.  Hugs, Adria

Adria, thank you. I am posting a reply before watching the video, though I certainly intend to later; it sounds like a good one. I am sorry that your life parallels mine in many ways. I am glad to be here and truly appreciate everyone's kindness. I have felt like a loser for ages and that I have not made any meaningful contributions to the world, so to hear that I am affecting others positively gives me a little hope, which I am grateful for.

[FogDawg]

I just finished the (excellent) video that was linked. It is certainly worth a watch. I have heard countless times through the years that we need to become comfortable with being by ourselves and that the state of being alone does not necessarily amount to loneliness, yet people who say such generally do not have any helpful advice, making it merely an empty platitude. Basically, "Love yourself. If you do not, how can you expect anyone else to?", without even the slightest prod in the right direction. Not knowing how to advance toward reaching the goal, we indiscriminately seek love and approval, setting ourselves up for failure and being taken advantage of, something that I can definitely attest to. Mr. Wise's speech is not long enough to lay out all the details, clocking in at less than twenty minutes, but it is definitely a starting point and a push forward. The best part is that he seems like a truly genuine human being, not simply involved in motivational speaking for the money, as is the case with a fair amount. Gracias, Adria.

[PeanutButter]

Hi FogDawg. I can relate in that my own experience in fog and through fog was years and years long misery.
I came to believe that I must not deserve any better than what I was getting do to very low to non existant self worth.
I beleive that a turning point for me was becoming aware of the inner voice.
'Every one has a story they tell themselves. A story about their life.' That is what a counselor told me a few years ago.
I had been doing life without allowing awareness to the 'story' I was telling myself.
More recently another counselor told me it was not surprising to him considering my upbringing that I had 'turned the volume down' on my inner dialog.
But becoming aware of my inner world has been key to being able to finally leave behind my suffering. I have joy for the first time ever in my life. I am 45.
I was 'stuck' in my mind. I was rearely if ever 'present' in my physical state or for my feelings. But I spent alot of time reacting to the feelings yet had no clue as to the origin of the feelings.
I dont know if any of this makes sense to you but I hope you at least got the part about "I was a huge MESS!
I also am benefitted greatly by Dr Jerry Wise's videos. He has been through childhood abuse himself. Not only that he was continully emotionally and verbally abused by his M and FOO into adult hood like so many of us were. To me that means he totally gets it.

[FogDawg]

Thanks for the reply, PeanutButter. I'm sorry that it took so long for you to find any kind of happiness, but I am glad that both counselors validated your experiences and helped you find the path. Lack of self-worth sure does make it difficult in so many ways. I know exactly what you mean about rarely being present, pretty much going on autopilot while essentially a million miles away at any given moment. Life happens, though nothing truly registers or makes enough of an impact to justify including it in the tale; we essentially become background characters in what are meant to be our own stories. I have been coasting for a long time and basically allowing a ghost writer to dictate the course of my life, letting each day pass me by for years now, which counts as merely existing. When I do try to make a positive change, it seems to come back to bite me in the ass and somehow actually make the situation worse

Only those who have been through it fully understand. Some may be able to at least empathize, but that is certainly not the same as living it. I applaud Mr. Wise for using his experiences to benefit others rather than choosing to completely distance himself from an unpleasant past. Speaking about abuse takes courage.

[PeanutButter]

Thanks for the reply, PeanutButter. I'm sorry that it took so long for you to find any kind of happiness, but I am glad that both counselors validated your experiences and helped you find the path. Lack of self-worth sure does make it difficult in so many ways. I know exactly what you mean about rarely being present, pretty much going on autopilot while essentially a million miles away at any given moment. Life happens, though nothing truly registers or makes enough of an impact to justify including it in the tale; we essentially become background characters in what are meant to be our own stories. I have been coasting for a long time and basically allowing a ghost writer to dictate the course of my life, letting each day pass me by for years now, which counts as merely existing. When I do try to make a positive change, it seems to come back to bite me in the ass and somehow actually make the situation worse
Only those who have been through it fully understand. Some may be able to at least empathize, but that is certainly not the same as living it. I applaud Mr. Wise for using his experiences to benefit others rather than choosing to completely distance himself from an unpleasant past. Speaking about abuse takes courage.

Yes! Yes! That is so well put.
I hope things look up for you soon.

[FogDawg]

Thank you, PeanutButter. I appreciate it.

[MarlenaEve]

I do understand you...I too don't have a partner or close friends to fall on for comfort. Now I'm in such a panic that I actually considered to go back to living with my parents (who are abusive). My mind is not straight now..I see people everywhere having nice homes, partners, husbands, friends and I'm not in that situation.

But, there is a big but..You also need to realize how valuable you are (I know my worth) and that many people need you in their life if you let them. Also, just because your father abused you, it doesn't mean you're not valuable or there is something wrong with you (I know that adult children of PD people see their worth through the eyes of their abusers) Not a good approach. What I find that works is hanging out with healthy people who have healthy reactions and healthy behavior. You start to feel normal and that you do have important things to offer.

Also, go to the root cause of your depression-the c-PTSD. This is not easy because you need a therapist specialized in this. At least plan the therapy for the future so you know you have something good to look forward to.

[JenniferSmith]

I posted a link to this book in another thread recently and after reading your posts in this thread, I think it might be something you would find helpful.  In essence, the book provides a questionnaire about your childhood experiences, and based on your answers to those, it describes the way those can lead to life-long patterns which cause suffering. It goes further and provides concrete tools to work on each pattern and change the way we think, feel, and behave.   I personally have found it one of the most helpful books I've ever read.

These unhealthy patterns are called schemas, or "lifetraps" and they include:

- abandonment
- mistrust and abuse
- social exclusion
- dependence
- vulnerability
- defectiveness
- failure
- subjugation
- unrelenting standards
- entitlement

My description doesn't really do the book justice... so I'll just put a link here:

https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthough-Negative-ebook/dp/B0776JJ6L8/ref=pd_sim_351_56?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B0776JJ6L8&pd_rd_r=67fcb803-e55c-446a-aa2b-b25df12452bf&pd_rd_w=sfERj&pd_rd_wg=InqTe&pf_rd_p=bab57536-7c8f-4781-a8ed-3e270b9cd303&pf_rd_r=QRQRWJSK23YZ7QJ5MQ6D&psc=1&refRID=QRQRWJSK23YZ7QJ5MQ6D