uCovertNPDw and sex(or lack there of)

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rubixcube

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uCovertNPDw and sex(or lack there of)
« on: February 11, 2020, 11:06:41 AM »
This is ultimately about grieving the loss of the relationship, or grieving the loss of my desire to do MORE for the relationship.

    I can really feel after Saturday when my uCovertNPDw sat me down and said she wanted to separate that the last bit of intimacy died in me. She again weaponized sex against me. At one point, in her characteristic passive aggressive disgust, she said something like, "we can't talk, but you're perfectly fine having sex with me'. There is so much that's wrong about what she said.

    First, just how she phrased/delivered it reveals so much about how she has viewed sex since we met. It was always her just allowing me to have sex with her. It was never, literally never, reciprocal. I've commented on this so many times to friends and in my journals. By saying, 'you're perfectly fine having sex with me', in the tone used, says something like, 'you're doing it on me'.
    Second, we haven't had sex in months, and before that it was few and far between; every time I had to initiate it, waiting for her to be in a "good" mood. I never knew if she would start to cry or sabotage the intimacy once we began, like she's done so many times before. Every time I was made to feel like it was her allowing me, or that it was dirty and later, in my thinking, somehow rape. It has been the most bizarre thing I've ever experienced with a woman.
    Third, I have always viewed marital relations as a tool for healing when intimacy is lacking.

    Considering that last point, I think it explains why I am now beginning to grieve the utter loss of our relationship. I had been holding on to hope for so many years, and that was the last nail in the coffin of the relationship. I have tried everything I could to fix my 50%, enable, walk on eggshells, people please, be assertive; I tried appealing to her empathy saying, 'your behavior hurts me', I tried being firm with her saying, 'don't do this', etc. It falls on selfish ears. She is sick, and unable to see outside of her own wants, needs, and victim status. It is naturally this disposition in her illness that is the real intimacy destroyer.
    I feel totally spent, without energy or motivation, and I have that weakness characteristic of despondency. I'm overwhelmed by hopelessness and apathy. I can see I no longer have any desire to fight for the relationship, and honestly, I'm very skeptical the relationship will heal(it depends on uCovertNPDw's ability change and become capable of having a reciprocal relationship at this point).

What's interesting is that deep inside me I feel this may be a pivotal moment. A seed has to die for a flower to grow and bloom. Maybe my hope for the relationship to change really has to die in order for me to move on and fully come OOTF?

Thank you all for being here! If it weren't for OOTF I never would have come so far in coming OOTF. I am truly grateful!

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Bloomie

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Re: uCovertNPDw and sex(or lack there of)
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2020, 01:31:14 PM »
Quote from: rubixcube
What's interesting is that deep inside me I feel this may be a pivotal moment. A seed has to die for a flower to grow and bloom. Maybe my hope for the relationship to change really has to die in order for me to move on and fully come OOTF?

This struck me and I have learned to call this healthy hopelessness. And yes, grief does swiftly follow which can lead to accepting what we cannot change and finding a path to peace and freedom from a fruitless, endless struggle.

I would say this with utmost gentle regard... you - what you have to offer in intimate relationship with another person - is something about you that is precious, vital, and of great value.

Offering yourself over and again to someone who demeans and devalues this part of you - who gaslights and confuses and it seems shame a natural desire that you have in your relationship with your spouse - may be offering yourself far less than you deserve and devaluing yourself.

I can see why this is a sentinel moment for you. It is important to hear what your wife is saying to you and of you. It is important to believe her when she has shown you repeatedly who she is and how she thinks and to find your way to responding appropriately.

Going toward a person who seems to be determined to maintain rigid power and control through toxic shaming and withholding may not be serving you well.

Just my two pennies.

Good strength, wisdom, and much insights to you as you sort through this.
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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rubixcube

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Re: uCovertNPDw and sex(or lack there of)
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2020, 01:41:44 PM »
Quote from: rubixcube
What's interesting is that deep inside me I feel this may be a pivotal moment. A seed has to die for a flower to grow and bloom. Maybe my hope for the relationship to change really has to die in order for me to move on and fully come OOTF?

This struck me and I have learned to call this healthy hopelessness. And yes, grief does swiftly follow which can lead to accepting what we cannot change and finding a path to peace and freedom from a fruitless, endless struggle.

I would say this with utmost gentle regard... you - what you have to offer in intimate relationship with another person - is something about you that is precious, vital, and of great value.

Offering yourself over and again to someone who demeans and devalues this part of you - who gaslights and confuses and it seems shame a natural desire that you have in your relationship with your spouse - may be offering yourself far less than you deserve and devaluing yourself.

I can see why this is a sentinel moment for you. It is important to hear what your wife is saying to you and of you. It is important to believe her when she has shown you repeatedly who she is and how she thinks and to find your way to responding appropriately.

Going toward a person who seems to be determined to maintain rigid power and control through toxic shaming and withholding may not be serving you well.

Just my two pennies.

Good strength, wisdom, and much insights to you as you sort through this.

My goodness!
Thank you. Truly. You say something so well, that I underestimate my own value. You're dead on too. Isn't that the cause of codependence is a sense? Ross Rosenberg likes to rename codependence as "Self Love Deficit Disorder". I see why.

You're so right. Why do I continue to offer myself up for a beating? It might be that very act that gives my w power over me.

I'm a bit speechless. Not because what you said is entirely new to me, it just hit at the right time. Bloomie, thank you.

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Bloomie

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Re: uCovertNPDw and sex(or lack there of)
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2020, 11:43:42 AM »
rubixcube - I must admit that it was with some trepidation that I posted the thoughts that I did. I didn't want in any way to cause further pain or harm to you in an already years long painful reality.

I am thankful I took the plunge and that hearing this -  black letters on a white screen from someone who has no agenda other than to support you and see you heal - was a helpful thing.
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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rubixcube

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Re: uCovertNPDw and sex(or lack there of)
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2020, 12:05:38 PM »
I'm very glad you did. I'm only interested in healing, so any objective perspective I can get really helps me.

Your statement really triggered something in me too.
I went from feeling that, "I've hit my limit", healthy hopelessness as you call it, to actually feeling pretty good and of some worth.
It's easy for me to overlook that I matter and have value.

Thanks again!