Relentless

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eddiegirl

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Relentless
« on: February 12, 2020, 01:10:06 AM »
I've ended the relationship more times than I can count. My situation is so pathetic. I knew from day one that he was off. He was my first love way back in high school. Now in middle age, we reconnect. Now I see how the love never was love at all. Even back then. The laughing at my hurt, the cheating, the lies, the intense love followed by indifference and absence. Round and round. At 18 I somehow knew how to get out but now at middle age, I struggle.

I left my family for him. Destroyed my life. Believed all of his future fakes. I moved into a house, away from my loving husband (who was devastated). I got a full time job. And what did he do? The weekend I moved, asked me for money and said he's so sorry he couldn't be there to help me move. Kept side relationships. I kept getting calls and texts from other women. He said "out of my control" or "they're just trying to keep us apart." Lies.  I knew. Rewind to months before. I kept saying NO- I won't see you. Stop saying you love me. He said my life was boring. He said I was numb. Yes, raising 2 kids can feel numbing.  He knew what to say. Sent me love songs, said he never forgot me.  My god. I fell for it all. I went to visit him and his ex girlfriend was living there! He lied the whole time and I kept taking him back! Gaslighting... "We deserve this time together." then... "I don't owe you shit. You're married." Random I love you texts with no reply. Total breadcrumbs. But the pull, the history, the attention, was too much. I fell hard.

Gave him money. Bought him things for his place. It's just more than I can even report.

Coercion. Lies. Round and round conversations. I took it all seriously. It's unbelievable. I want my soul back.

I can't feel anymore. I miss him. I wait for the texts. I moved back home and am trying to do the right thing to make my life right. No one gets it. I'm hopeless. He's relentless. I've tried no contact and I break every time and respond or unblock. I want out of this hell.

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Jsinjin

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Re: Relentless
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2020, 01:16:53 AM »
I'm so sorry.   There are no ways to fix past mistakes we just have to live with them.

You'll be stronger in life someday and the welds that hold you together will be tougher too.

You deserve a man who will treat you as a partner.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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eddiegirl

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Re: Relentless
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2020, 01:24:47 AM »
Thank you Jsinjin. I'm suffering. 2 years now and I want it to stop. My husband is a wonderful man who deserves a wife who is present and connected to him. I used to be that person. I hope I can bring her back.

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athene1399

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Re: Relentless
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2020, 11:51:54 AM »
Quote
I miss him. I wait for the texts.
Maybe try to think about what do you miss about him. Is there something that he does to make you feel special (during his hoovering) that your H does not? Maybe if you figure out what it is, let your H know: "I wish you did more of x". Or maybe you could try therapy to find out what makes you crave the attention from this other man. Once you figure out what that is, you can work on it and grow as a person. Maybe then it will be easier to block and delete his number. You won't need whatever it is he gives you, becasue you will be enough for yourself.

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NumbLotus

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Re: Relentless
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2020, 12:04:05 PM »
It's a good idea to think what may be the pull, but the answer may not be healthy or something your husband should do.

That love bombing stuff is not sustainable in a healthy relationship. It feels so great to get it and feels like love, but it's not. It's manipulation. And it is fueled by the energy of desperation.

But it certainly is reasonable to give and receive attention in your marriage. It may go better to GIVE that attention and let it naturally come back to you, then ask for it. So maybe you want a date night - ask him on a date rather than ask him to ask you. If you like getting "I love you" texts, send them to him and enjoy his replies. If you like being listened to, give him your full attention when he talks to you.

Your dividends in working on this relationship may make it easier for the other relationship to fade.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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PeanutButter

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Re: Relentless
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2020, 11:49:04 AM »
Hi eddiegirl. I didnt welcome you on your introduction so welcome im glad you found us.
I've ended the relationship more times than I can count. My situation is so pathetic. I knew from day one that he was off. He was my first love way back in high school. Now in middle age, we reconnect. Now I see how the love never was love at all. Even back then. The laughing at my hurt, the cheating, the lies, the intense love followed by indifference and absence. Round and round. At 18 I somehow knew how to get out but now at middle age, I struggle....Coercion. Lies. Round and round conversations. I took it all seriously. It's unbelievable. I want my soul back. I can't feel anymore. I miss him. I wait for the texts. I moved back home and am trying to do the right thing to make my life right. No one gets it. I'm hopeless. He's relentless. I've tried no contact and I break every time and respond or unblock. I want out of this hell.
All of this resonates so strongly with me. (I could write the underlined portion verbatim about my own experience.)
 I think I get it alittle bit. The war within myself went on for so long. I would go back even though it made me literally sick in my gut, like an anxiety response assailed me as I stepped back into the home we shared. Why oh why then could I not stay away?
 I dont have the answers to why I did and how to not. But I want to tell you 'DONT give up!' Just because you havn't succeeded yet doesnt mean you cant!
I eventually did. Noone believed it was the last time (even me) untill it was the last time. Early on after this particular leaving I identified the (staying friends) phone calls were being used to try to use same old tactics to get me back again. So I cut it short and then cut him off. FOREVER!
My self esteem was at rock bottom; non existant at this point. Even though I had finally seen behind my unpdxH's mask I had not acknowledged deeper issues within me. So I rebounded quickly to more unhealthy, hurtful, degrading treatment.
NOW i see that because of long established abuse patterns in the way I was raised that were called 'love' and 'care' set me up to misidentify manipulation, control, and jealously (just to name a few) as his love for me. AND i see that the pain (broken hearts) I felt over and over I misidentified as my love for him. In fact I see that the pull was always the strongest when he was hurting me. (Sick, I know) I think thats a trauma bond.
Im here to answer any questions or listen or tell you more of my story. Im sorry you are going through this.

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clara

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Re: Relentless
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2020, 02:36:15 PM »
I allowed a toxic ex-boyfriend to lurk around in my life for far too long, so I understand the emotional pull people like that have over you.  He would come and go as he pleased, usually went when he found someone else, then hover me back in because he knew I'd respond.  He liked having that control over me.  He liked having that power.  In time, I came to realize I meant nothing to him, and that he actually meant nothing to me.  He was a terrible bf--selfish,  narcissistic, self-pitying, in general a loser.  He really had nothing to offer me, but I had a type of addiction to him because I wanted him to represent what I needed.  I hooked up with him not long after leaving my uNPDexh, so  I had a lot of expectations that this relationship would be "the one."  It would be better than what I'd had.  It would provide me with everything I craved in a relationship.  Instead, I got none of that, but I kept hoping because I wanted it so badly.  He wasn't a "real" person but rather a screen onto which I could project my needs.  I saw what I wanted to see.  It wasn't until I took a step back and regarded him for who he really was that I realized no, this person contributed nothing positive to my life.  He was primarily  made up of my fantasies.  When I let go of the fantasies, I finally saw reality.

He lured me in with lies and promises he'd never keep, but I stayed there of my own free will.  I allowed this relationship to continue.  I failed to see how much control I had over what was happening.  I tried to blame him, but he was just doing what he was psychologically programmed to do.  I was just another woman he was periodically involved with.  I wanted him to be my One True Love.  The last time he tried to lure me back into his life, I saw nothing but disgust over what he was trying to do.  I said, "no, I don't think so," and then, to no one's surprise, I never saw him again.  And I didn't miss him.  Because there was no one to miss.

I guess my point is, you can get through this eddiegirl, and over this.  Convince yourself that you can, and you can.  Find a good therapist (be careful for there are a lot of bad ones out there) to help, if necessary. 

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Sweetbriar

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Re: Relentless
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2020, 03:13:15 PM »
Dear eddiegirl,

I hear you and I especially hear your desperation. You want to stop but you haven't been able to do it yet. Yet. What you are trying to disengage from is not just a normal run of the mill break up. This man sounds like a predator. He uses the tactics. He love bombs, then he distances. He love bombs and then he distances. He is a sick and dangerous person and it sounds like you are caught in a trauma bond.

I urge you to read Sandra L. Brown's website Safe Relationships. It has all you need to know about dangerous relationship. You can get out of them, but you have to treat it like withdrawal. Your brain is going thru the same experience as a gambler trying not to go to the casino. You've been intermittently reinforced. I went thru this and to disengage from it was very very hard. But I did it, and many people do. It just really helps to read a lot about how to get out of them and educate yourself to the max.  If you can find a good therapist who knows about these sorts of relationships all the better. The therapist must have a background in personality disorders like narcissism and psychopathy.

I am so sorry you are going though this. I really understand though. I was there and I am out the other side of it. Psychopath Free is another website with a lot of excellent support and information.

Begin to educate yourself as best you can and don't be too hard on yourself. You are not alone and you can get through this.
« Last Edit: February 13, 2020, 03:15:27 PM by Sweetbriar »

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eddiegirl

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Re: Relentless
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2020, 02:35:35 PM »
Thank you for the replies. I unblocked him (again) and he snuck his way in over a few days. No calls, just texts. Calling me "Mrs. (his last name)" after I'd told him I'll never marry again. Love bombed. Saying he was bettering himself (lol) and asking me all kinds of questions about my life. It's like he's obsessed with what I do. It's so creepy. Saying he's going to build a better foundation so we can be together (future fake), has all kinds of new job opportunities (making himself seem better than he is), telling me he's not as big of a player as I think he is (lie), and asking me what my budget is for my new house I'm planning to buy after my divorce is final (fishing for financial info). I told him NOTHING. He tried every sly way to get info out of me. I just flat out said, "None of your business." But, I was feeding his ego by even replying. I knew that and told him I knew he texted me when he was with other women, hoping to get a reply back to put them on unstable ground. Told him I won't contribute to hurting someone that way and that I wasn't part of his "harem." But, of course, by even replying, I was contributing. It gets clearer every day. And here's what happened next....

I got a text from his girlfriend saying "xyz said I could text you". So, he had been using my texts to triangulate (shocker). I had even called him on this and he denied it. Then the text came. Next she called me a fool. I don't disagree. Blocked them both and then got a call at 2:30 am from an unknown number. I didn't answer and deleted the phone number so I couldn't call it back. I know it was from them because of the area code (they live an hour away- thank GOD). I just walked away and I'm proud of myself for that part at least. I've started to see that this whole ridiculous thing is just a fantasy world. In part, it distracts me from the tough realities I have to face in my current marriage that has been falling apart for 9 years now. My current hubby is not a narc.

In real life, I'm going forward with my divorce. Being in an unhappy marriage set me up for this toxic affair. I'm going to take a year or two to spoil my kids and myself, build my career even further and get myself stable. My soon to be ex hubby is a good friend and we are walking through the divorce together, strong for our kids and ready for a more healthy future.

I need to stay strong and not let the narc get in my head. I'm moving towards positive and healthy. My new life will be better. Honestly, I'm going to use the experience with the narc to make me stronger.

So grateful for this forum. I can come here to stay grounded and hope I can offer the same support to other survivors of this horrible abuse. We have each other to stay grounded in reality!

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PeanutButter

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Re: Relentless
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2020, 04:01:20 PM »
Thanks for sharing more of your experience! The most important relationship you will have is with yourself. (Dr Phil Mcgraw) so I think that your plan is very wise! Go easy on yourself if you 'relapse'. It happens to EVERYONE imo. Take care of yourself so you can be the best you for your kids.
 :hug:

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fish2019

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Re: Relentless
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2020, 06:30:44 PM »
I agree with Sweetbriar and PeanutButter's posts, it sounds like classic trauma bonding. All the emotional abuse and intermittent reinforcement has got you caught in a cycle. It exists because they love bombed you in the beginning so you fell in love with that version of them, every time you get a little glimpse of that version of them again you get sucked back in only to be abused again.

My therapist says life is repetition compulsion. We repeat the same patterns in relationships that we learned from our relationships with our parents over and over again until we change our behaviour and close the loop. Which is why every relationship I've ever had with a guy has followed the same pattern. If you look back over your life yours will too.

My friends are so confused and frustrated why I haven't gone full no contact with my narcissist ex yet... it's so difficult to explain if you haven't been through something like this. I just feel like I'm not quite ready yet and I don't know why. Maybe it's because then I'm admitting to myself it's really over, that the hopes for the future I had with him are over... and I may never get the children etc that I dreamed of having with him.

I did have a realisation this weekend that might help you too though. When I thought about it, I realised that he hasn't been the person I fell in love with in three years. That seemingly wonderful version of him changed just before we moved in together. I'm not missing him in the present, I'm mourning the person I thought he was who died years ago now. The false projection I fell in love with.

Ask yourself when did he truly stop being that person? You might be surprised at the answer. Once you realise that version of him is long gone it might change how you feel a little bit.