Childhood Incidents taking on new meaning

[_apparentlywicked]

Hi all.  I'd like to share some of my latest realisations and am curious if any of you have had similar moments of clarity.

When I was 16 I was in my school's yearly production. A big part. Sang the opening verse solo. It meant a lot to me. I can't remember his excuse but my dad didn't come to any of the showings. Knowing the dynamic in the home I wouldn't have pushed it. (Don't know if I've mentioned before but mum had left when we were little and wasn't involved with us but that's another story!)

Also a couple of years ago I was on national radio when I called into a show. I was actually on my way to visit dad and had pulled over to call in. When I got to dad's I told him about it and said 'here, you can listen to my call on my phone through an app.' He could not have been less interested.  Immediately he looked away and then asked if I'd bought his indigestion tablets so I put the phone away and gave him his shopping just assuming he was having a bad day and was too absorped in his own thoughts.

Now previously I'd viewed dad as just woefully neglectful with anger problems. However with all this new information on personality disorders, specifically NPD, and his behaviour in hospital the last time I visited, these incidents take on new meaning.

He was never going to want to see me on stage or hear me on radio. Since my eldest sib cut contact because of his abuse I've always been dad's favourite victim.

It's clear that my teens brought the worst of the abuse because I was naturally blossoming as teens do.  This was one big narcissistic injury to him. It was during this stage that he was routinely throwing all my belongings into a pile during his many tantrums (and I still wanted him to see me in the play!)

Now I see that he had this devalued image of me that he needed to protect. I was a nothing to him and I still am.

Up until very recently I'd framed this disinterest as merely a by-product of his self absorbtion.  But having seen how alarmingly well the NPD criteria fits what I thought was disinterest was actually malevolent hatred towards me. Yet at the same time it feels even less personal now that I know he has to furiously protect his reality of me. And anything good happening to me upends this narrative of me being thoroughly and profoundly worthless. And I get that that's how he sees himself and that he put, and still puts that on me.  Crazy huh!

Anyone else got any of these retrospective gems?

[Pepin]

It's clear that my teens brought the worst of the abuse because I was naturally blossoming as teens do.  This was one big narcissistic injury to him. It was during this stage that he was routinely throwing all my belongings into a pile during his many tantrums (and I still wanted him to see me in the play!)

Now I see that he had this devalued image of me that he needed to protect. I was a nothing to him and I still am.

Yes....this is exactly when the sh*t started to hit the fan hard.  NF became a monster, ramping up his tantrums and moods.  It is laughable looking back and realizing that when he called out my siblings and I for being moody, that it was him that was being moody.  Our non reaction and gray rock toward him caused him to lose it.  My siblings and I were living in survival mode until we could finally escape.

Like you, my siblings and I turned out to be nothing like NF wanted us to be: to be living at home, unmarried, taking care of him.  Well, life didn't turn out that way!  Us moving on, marrying and starting families of our own was the ultimate betrayal according to NF.  We were supposed to be dumb and helpless until the day he dies and even until our own death. 

I am the oldest.  I was discarded by NF for several years.  We eventually started having contact again -- with no apologies or forgiveness.  And then a number of years later, my siblings saw the light and we all went NC.  12 years ago.  Waiting for NF to expire.  Lost lots of family over it but oh well...who knows what will happen when he is gone.  The entire extended family is in shambles....I think everyone is afraid to make a move, especially those that are receiving handouts from NF.  They know it is wrong but don't know where else to turn...*sigh*  It is amazing what one narcissist can do.  They live in their own delusional world.  Let them.  Step away.

[Spirit in the sky]

My father took zero interest in me as a child. Drinking was all he cared about. I only became useful when I was able to distract my mother, freeing him up to stay out all night and go away for drinking weekends.

Then when he became ill and needed someone to run up and down to the hospital, doctors appointments, collect medication (all the things my mother couldn't do because of her agoraphobia). When I was useful he was happy to play the game.

Now I have started to wise up to him, he knows, he hasn't said a word but I sense it in his body language. He's guarded and sees me as a threat to him getting his own way. Now we both know we're we stand, he's rejected and me and I couldn't care less.  He knows he can't emotionally abuse me anymore but he thinks my mum is still an easy target. She's wising up to, so he's starting to panic., but pretending to play it cool.   

[_apparentlywicked]

It is laughable looking back and realizing that when he called out my siblings and I for being moody, that it was him that was being moody.

Yes! I read that what they accuse you of is what they're doing or feeling. This was revealing. I called to mind some of the things he's said about me and turned them round. So apparently he enjoys making me angry, thinks he's stupid, is a liar, doesn't care about anyone and doesn't know how anything works. Yeah that about sums him up. 😀

[_apparentlywicked]

Now I have started to wise up to him, he knows, he hasn't said a word but I sense it in his body language.

Expect some serious projection. Expect him to hurt you with out of the blue rewriting of history.  my dad said I was wicked as child when I last saw him so I guess he has unconscious memories that are surfacing. And what do they do when that happens? They hurl it at you.

Bear in mind I hadn't mentioned my childhood so something is going on. But nothing that bodes well. I think he's falling apart and decompensating. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up in a psychiatric ward because he's fallen apart before and refused to eat. Me being the utter sap that I am nursed him. This was about 20 years ago.

In hindsight he was decompensating because he'd recently left work and wasn't getting adequate supply. He couldn't explain what was going on. He wouldn't talk to me just kept demanding stronger drugs to make him feel better. I could see that happening again soon.