Scared to date

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I want to start dating again, but... I feel kind of overwhelmed and a bit scared, scared of making the wrong choice, and also, scared of it overwhelming me in some ways...

I'm looking for a new job, and trying to work out where I want to even live. SO much going on in my life.
I would like to date, but I feel like I'm holding myself back. It's hard to describe. Anyway. if anyone can relate I'd love to hear your thoughts!

[GettingOOTF]

I spent a lot of time in therapy and working on myself before I started dating. I also owned up to my part in choosing the wrong people. I used to think that I was just unlucky, that I attracted these people because I was so good and kind. Turns out I had major issues with codependency from my upbringing.

Even then you have to put yourself out there to test your new skills. It's scary how easily I fell into the same patterns in the beginning, but I was aware of what to look for and managed to pull back. My therapist says that you date to figure out what you don't want. This  was true for me. My list of what I'm looking for is different now than when I first started dating.

In general I find dating hard. There is a lot of rejection. And it's not only the rejection. I found the pool of people available to me frankly depressing. I want to date someone that is at least where I am in terms of income, stability, fitness and life experience. I'm in my late 40s so it's not unreasonable to expect potential partners to be where I am at the very least. The reality is I found a lot of people who hadn't done anything with their lives or were unhappy with where they were. I don't want to spend my limited free time listening to a grown man complain about his dead end job that he's had for 20+ years and done nothing about.

My experience is that you have to be pretty confident about your life right now and what you want for yourself in order to be successful at dating. I'm confident enough in myself now that I don't go on dates with anyone I'm unsure about just to "give them a chance, you never know". Trust me, you know. I have also walked out on dates - once when the guy lied about being divorced and once when a guy revealed that he was 6 months into recovery (and he picked a bar for the date!). In the early days I would have stayed as I would have felt bad for them. I probably would have seen them again to help "fix" them. This is why it's important to know your worth and your deal breakers.

My experience is that if you are looking to date to fill a hole in your life then it's not going to work out and you'll most likely end up with another person like your ex. If you go in with no expectations and take people as they are, not projecting what you want them to be on to them, it can be fun and help you on your journey. I gained a lot of confidence through dating, I honed my conversion skills, went to some cool places I'd never have gone to otherwise and for the most part met some pretty decent people. The flip side it that it really shines the spotlight on all the areas of your life that you aren't 100% happy with, all your abandonment issues and insecurities.

[JollyJazz]

Hi GettingOOTF,

Thanks for your interesting thoughts.
I have done a lot of therapy, which has helped with relationships a lot. My last relationship was substantially better than previous ones (thanks to lots of therapy). I have to sort out a lot in my life, and am just going to do that, and I think I'll start dating again slowly.
I don't think I have a hole in my life, just a lot to sort out, and I want to focus on getting things in a place that make me happy, and then I can augment it with someone that shares my interests

Best wishes for your dating adventures!

[bgirl12]

The comment about walking out on dates- I am all for it and I wish I would have walked out on many. Dating is tough. People act like they want to be in a relationship, then ask you why you are STILL single (like that is something to be fixed) and they should be grateful you are emotionally available. I think you have to listen to yourself and take it slow. Replay the date over in your mind and if things stood out as a questionable for even a second, think about why it bothered you. You don't have to like anyone because you went out. You can be respectful and have boundaries, and only date the way you feel comfortable dating. There will be rejection when you stand up for yourself and maybe that is a good thing. You don't want to attract everybody. You want someone a little like minded and with similar values who can respect your boundaries. I say "No thank you" sincerely and kindly very early on as I deem necessary. Tells you a lot about where someone is at. We all deserve good people around us so I hope you find that soon.