Newbie here

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tragedy or hope

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Newbie here
« on: February 12, 2020, 03:57:06 PM »
Newbie here. I feel a little awkward about all of this. I am in a committed relationship, 49 years. Unfortunately, just this year I got it. I have said all of the cliches' and described all of my experiences to a friend, and finally she identified the assumed pd.

I thought because I am a Christian the most important thing I could do was to "cover the other persons sin." I feel foolish, for as old as I am. I have been to  a myriad of 12 step programs and therapists thinking I needed to improve. Since 1992... and I continue to "improve." But it isn't all me.

I am so humiliated and disappointed in myself. I am tragedyorhope. Today feels like a lot of tragedy. I am looking for hope here. I live in a state of heightened awareness to keep my own serenity. It is the most important thing to me.

So grateful you are all here.  :D

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Newbie here
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2020, 05:24:44 PM »
Welcome!  You certainly are not the only person here who feels responsible for the "sins" of the other person (spouse, ex-spouse, parent, parent-in-law, child, etc.).  I definitely fall into that camp.  I picked my screen name based on my feelings of responsibility.  I'll probably never totally rid myself of the feelings of obligation and guilt, but I've gotten much better about recognizing what I can actually change and what is beyond my power to change.  I hope you will, too.

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tragedy or hope

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Re: Newbie here
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2020, 12:11:18 AM »
Thank you so much for the kind welcome!

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Lauren17

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Re: Newbie here
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2020, 01:13:56 AM »
Welcome.
Iíve certainly felt disappointed with myself. After my aha moment, and as I reflected on various aspects of my marriage that disappointment turned to anger. Iím still working through a lot of that.
I think many of us here have covered up for our PDs. Learning to stop is possible, but itís a long process.
The toolbox here is very useful. As is the How it Feels section.
I think youíll find this community to be very helpful.
ďYou held me down, but I got up.
Get ready, Ďcause Iíve had enough.Ē
-Katy Perry

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losingmyself

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Re: Newbie here
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2020, 01:58:53 PM »
Welcome.  I just wanted to chime in so you know how many of us feel exactly the same way. A huge part of how I feel is regret, shame, guilt, and also obligation, I think that last one was learned over the years by both me and my PDH, he said jump and I asked how high. Then I got scolded for not knowing how high I should jump. Because he told me a hundred times already....
I am climbing Out of the FOG slowly, and I would not have gotten nearly as far out without the great people here. I have not told anyone except the people here about how my life is, and that, I feel is my next step.
I'm glad you have someone to talk to.
Keep talking. And good luck. 

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Alax

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Re: Newbie here
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2020, 04:58:05 AM »
Hi  :blush:

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Hurting Bride

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Re: Newbie here
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2020, 12:34:34 PM »
Also a newbie here, and probably digging myself deeper into the Fog. Today i celebrate my five month wedding anniversary, and being separated from by BPDh for three weeks, with no effort on his part to make amends or contact me.  :(

Reading the stories on here has been eye opening. It's also disheartening because as they say, hope dies last, and i still haven't detached myself from the idea that he could change (if he wanted). I am feeling all of the emotions and waiting for the anger to set in so that i can move forward. It's a hard journey indeed, and i feel like mine is only beginning.

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Cascade

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Re: Newbie here
« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2020, 04:33:34 AM »
I was married a long, long time before I learned about personality disorders, and that my husband probably had one. I think itís far easier now for people to learn about this, with the internet and groups like this one so try not to be hard on yourself for not realizing this before now.

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tragedy or hope

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Re: Newbie here
« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2020, 05:44:33 PM »
I have learned so much from the little time I have been here thanks to those who are going before me.

Honesty without expectation for consolation or changes is what I am working on for myself. medium chill is working to help things stay calm. i do believe he is taking some of what I am saying to heart. Poor dear... unpdh... lost. So lost. I have to find my own way out of the maze and i can see how I have invested in being his healer rather than mine.  :sadno:
Question?????
How do you handle social situations when "they" get the limelight. I am a beautiful woman, very intelligent, funny and fun to be around. unpdh out volumes and out talks me, until all eyes and ears are on him.

I'm thinking take a walk, go  home without telling him... that's a little drastic.  it is better if we have some people in our life. he's really awful if there is no one for awhile. especially when my feed get's low, which is seldom as i am cheerful and interested in many things. I am also creative and rarely lack for words.

it is very hard to have mutual friends because even if they are MY friends, when he meets them, suddenly he is the star of the universe. I am proud and thankful that he is a vet, but.. 9 mos. in a dangerous military zone, 40 years ago, not on a front line... does not make one Patton. He has told me "people like me more than they like you."

If someone asks him , how long were you in? (military)  ... (because he has led the conversation that queston somehow) the stories begin, starting with the military and onto his painful childhood. (which gets more painful with each repetition... both in his memory and my having to listen to it.) we ALL have our stories. by his you would think he lived three lives!

I want to have some friends together, but it is really hard not to get hurt. Since we moved a few years ago, I have my friends he has his, but he is always trying to weasel me into being in his group.

He loves talking to the wives when he calls his friends. He loves including them in "hellos" etc.. even though he knows none of them. I pick my own friends thanks. his have those security tags on them, the beep and don't come off once I spend one time with them. unpdh thinks they are like family.

He zeros in on anyone semi-attractive, or even if she is connecting to his eye contact and I am left as if I were not there. Once at a church potluck his head was so close to a woman on the other side of him... he talked to her through the whole meal. when it was over, a woman from the other side of the table came over to give me a big hug...she saw the whole thing.

When I confronted it, sparks and a fire breathing dragon emerged. those few minutes with someone he used for his feed could never be called for what they were. I suffered once while experiencing it and a second time for revealing what I saw and felt.

I have learned some things since then, he has not. I make him look good. He is handsome and has learned social skills over the years, much from me.

unpd's are lovable. and dangerous to the soul. i don't recommend taking a chance if there is no legal connection. husband, wife, family etc... find someone who loves you for who you are today. if not; tomorrow he/she will be busy loving themselves.