If you won the lottery would you leave?

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ICantThinkOfAName

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If you won the lottery would you leave?
« on: February 13, 2020, 03:33:46 PM »
I found myself in a dilemma and asked myself this very question.  I don't want to leave because financially it's going to be a big hardship, not impossible, but emotionally it upsets me because a big part of the money we have together is mostly due to my hard work and effort and us splitting means he walks away with 1/2 for basically being a jerk and letting me handle everything.  So I had to ask myself if I won the lottery would I leave and in my head I thought "Oh heck yeah".  I'd probably hand him the entire dang check and keep everything else.  Just go!  I feel like it's my fine in life for making a bad decision.  In the first part of the relationship he left and got mad and I gave him $1000 to get him going, he almost took it and then he said it felt like I was paying him off.  Now that $1000 is $100,000 and I am shaking my head, why didn't I just stick to the break!!!! ugh!!!!  I need to work out my emotional connection to this money and move on.  Thanks for listening.

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NumbLotus

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Re: If you won the lottery would you leave?
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2020, 03:59:24 PM »
It's a great clarifying question, could help us and others to out our fingers on things.

If I won the lottery (we're talking like a million bucks, right?).. I would stay married but the money would replace what I need from my husband.

I'd get the EFF out if this house. Travel, Uber wherever I need, whatever. I'd live my life and maybe meet people and cultivate some new relationships. (I am currently homebound because I can't drive).

I'd soend a lot more time with my mom (in another state). I could afford more frequent airfare.

I'd hire house cleaning services and fix up my home so it's the place I want to live in. A place I enjoy. (My needs here are very modest - just not leave it a dump!!)

I'd buy the house next door and encourage him to move there. Extra space for him and his stuff. He sleeps all day anyway, what's the difference?

I'd hire a dog walker to walk the dog he doesn't walk and I physically cannot. And take her to the dog park. Her life is even more miserable than mine.

I could control my own life, activities, space. That's what I want the most.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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Poison Ivy

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Re: If you won the lottery would you leave?
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2020, 04:31:09 PM »
I'm not sure if winning the lottery would have tipped the balance for me, either way.  (I'm already divorced.)  Finances were an issue in my marriage, but they weighed both for and against me getting a divorce. 

For:  (1) My then husband was unemployed for many years while we were married, and I became the higher earner and often was the only earner.  We reside in a marital property state so he was essentially entitled to half my earnings. (2) My then husband chose to entangle his finances with those of his father, and they both might have been engaging in financial fraud. Because of living in a marital property state, this put my share of husband's and my property at risk. 

Against: In the divorce, I chose to take the house (valuable but expensive to maintain), and my husband took a lot of liquid assets. 

If I were still married and won the lottery, I assume my spouse would be entitled to half the winnings.  It might be better to have all the money in the marital "pot." On the other hand, I assume my spouse would still be dishonest and potentially engaging in fraud.  So, if I were still married and won the lottery, I'd probably still split form my husband.

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: If you won the lottery would you leave?
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2020, 04:43:11 PM »
Since my only reasons for staying now are financial....
I would leave.
Oh yes.
Unhesitatingly.
Joyfully!
It needn't even be a large win. Forty thousand....
heck even twenty thousand... hello new life!!

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fish2019

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Re: If you won the lottery would you leave?
« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2020, 01:39:41 PM »
It's a really good question to help clarify your feelings. When the devalue stage got really bad with my ex with NPD, I knew I needed to get out but we were living together at the time and I didn't have enough savings behind me to continuing staying at the apartment on my own or to move out before the lease ended.

So, I stayed and quietly saved up as much as I could. He ended up discarding me not long after my friends started trying to convince me to leave and I told them my plan... pretty sure he would go through my phone regularly and wanted to get rid of me before I could do the same to him. He still owes me hundreds of $$$ from the furniture we brought together that he told his new girlfriend was 'all his'.

Some other useful questions from my therapist to ask yourself:


If nothing changed, and things stayed exactly as they are forever, would you be OK with that?

Would you want a child with them the way they are right now?

Would you want a child that was just like them?

Would they look after you if you were sick?
« Last Edit: February 15, 2020, 01:41:31 PM by fish2019 »

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Poison Ivy

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Re: If you won the lottery would you leave?
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2020, 03:12:52 PM »
This question was key for me:  "If nothing changed, and things stayed exactly as they are forever, would you be OK with that?"

It was pretty clear to me that any changing in self or circumstances would need to come from me. My ex-husband's circumstances recently changed (his parents died and so he's no longer a caregiver), but he hasn't changed.  I continue to feel okay about deciding to formally end the marriage (i.e., get a divorce) after he informally ended it (by deserting me).