Dealing with NFIL

[gcj07a]

Hey all,

I mostly post over on the parents forum since my main issues have been with my uBPDm, but my NFIL is also an issue. He and my MIL are separated (and have been for about 3 years) because of the verbal, emotional, and (at times) physical abuse she suffered at his hands. She lives with us (she has some medical issues and shouldn't live alone) and she is a fantastic housemate. My DW and I have a great relationship with her. And she is built in babysitting! However, she is still very much in the FOG about nFIL. She keeps holding out hope of reconciliation despite what I, DW, and her therapist have told her. She will often get to the point of wanting to talk to an attorney, but then she will back down. And meanwhile, he is so good at manipulating her to get what he wants. But I see him with clear eyes. I know who he is. And he knows I know and we don't talk at all. I'm all for going NC with him. It was the best decision I ever made about my uBPDm; ain't nobody got time to deal with toxic relationships. However, DW is a lot less sure of that. He actually does a good job when he is with our kids, but over the past couple of months I have grown so disgusted watching him touch them or talk to them or play with them. I literally vomited the last time he was over. DW and I disagree on this. She thinks the LC we have with him (he's over maybe 2 or 3 times a month) is sufficient, but I am growing increasingly opposed to that. With my uBPDm it was easier since it was my side of the family; I had some freedom to make decisions, but since he is DW's father, it is less of my place I think. Any advice from anyone who has been down this road?

[notrightinthehead]

In my experience you can't open someone's eyes to what is going on if they don't want to know. You might need a lot of patience and keep on pointing things out that you notice. Stick to the facts, don't interpret. Rather ask questions than make statements. When your wife or MIL make a critical remark about FIL, support and confirm them.
By the way, I don't think 2-3 times a month would count as low contact.