I told him something true

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Fae Greenwood

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I told him something true
« on: February 13, 2020, 10:47:25 PM »
He had a call from an work acquaintance last week that turned into a personal conversation. This other manís wife is leaving him after several years of marriage. He said that she tried to commit suicide. Afterwards she filed for divorce because it turns out that she would rather be dead than married to him. Heís pretty cut up about it and my uNPDh was shocked that this could happen. This acquaintance is just about everything my husband considered successful. Heís an owner of a profitable business and showcase home, the father and grandfather of a healthy attractive family, and respected in his field. And it turns out his wife would rather kill herself instead of be married to him. Itís not the first time Iíve seen this happen.

I told my husband quite gently that some people forget that relationships need consistent care. I told him that some people push their part of responsibility for a relationship onto their spouse for a little while but never take it back because life is easier for them now. Then they do it again and again. Each time itís a little more and itís supposed to be temporary but it turns out to be in total a heavy and permanent burden. This can ultimately cripple the burdened spouse. They are deeply unhappy for so long. They look like theyíre a couple but they are actually doing life alone, trying to pay off some kind of emotional debt they didnít incur. They get broken. It seems like itís sudden but it is often plain to others. I said that itís likely that the only one really surprised by this was the husband, that itís going to be one more middle-aged man shopping for a copy of the Five Love Languages because now, after years of asking him to be responsible for his portion of the marriage and being refused, sheís left and he finally wants to ďfix it.Ē Heís in therapy! He can change! Everything will be great now! Heíll do all sheís asked of him! But, I said, he didnít act until it was too late. How sad.

And then I told him that heís done that to me. I just wanted him to know.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior so I know nothing will really change but at least itís been said.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am responsible for my choices but not the choices of anyone else.

When we have a child, we give a hostage to fortune and to the other parent.

I may not respond as I have to sneak onto this site and more than a quick view is challenging.

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NumbLotus

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Re: I told him something true
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2020, 11:41:52 PM »
How did he respond to that?
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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losingmyself

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Re: I told him something true
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2020, 07:36:27 PM »
That was beautiful, Fae. It's so true, some people are so broken, they feel it's the only way out. It's so sad.  I hope she finds peace in her life going forward.
I am also curious how he took this information.  The way you didn't make it about him or you until the very end was brilliant! He might have listened because you were speaking about someone else, and it didn't put him on the defensive.
I hope it made him think.
But you're right, you said it. You let him know what he's doing to you. What he does with that information is up to him.