Just now realizing what "goal oriented" really means

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Andeza

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Just now realizing what "goal oriented" really means
« on: February 13, 2020, 11:07:33 PM »
To start, I'm almost thirty and my space looks more like a college dorm than the home of a married adult. Use your imagination :bigwink:

I hate cleaning. I always have. UBPDm didn't set me up with a proper view of it, instead leaving absurdly long lists of house cleaning to do once I was past 10. No allowance accompanied that until I was older and demanded one because I had no spending money at all and no means to make any. Inevitably I had also not done as good a job as she wanted, but no wonder since she didn't really teach me how to do it properly. Saying things like "You've seen me do this a hundred times, don't you know how by now?" Uh... No. I may have seen you cleaning, doesn't mean I was paying attention. :tongue2:

Okay, that's the background. So today I was lamenting in my mind over cleaning my car out. I had a collection of fast food bags in the back floor. :blush: And sweet tea cups, because I have a love affair with sugar. Different issue... I'll get to that one eventually. :roll: I stopped what I was doing and decided to linger on why. Might as well sit there a minute, I mean the baby was taking a nap and I was kinda stuck anyway. Why was I going "Ugh" in my brain every time I thought about cleaning my car? Why was it such a big deal for something that would take five, maybe ten, minutes tops? Because I was dreading it. Because I am not fond of the process itself. I dread the process... Okay, so how to fix it? Plenty of people don't agonize over cleaning their dang cars out. Besides, it's super nice to get into a nice clean car... And there it clicked for me. I was focusing on the process of cleaning instead of looking ahead to enjoying the clean space.

All that "goal-oriented" "eye on the prize" type stuff never made any real sense to me until to-freaking-day. :blink: Only took a couple of decades... I feel a bit silly. Okay, I feel a lot silly.

But I have a clean car. ;D

Next stop, organizing my closet. Because it's nice when you can actually find things, lol.

So I'm working on changing how I view the parts of my life I'm not a fan of, the inescapable parts like cleaning and laundry, so that I don't procrastinate or dread getting things done.

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treesgrowslowly

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Re: Just now realizing what "goal oriented" really means
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2020, 01:11:04 AM »
Hi,

I like these aha moments. They come throughout our journey ootf and this one is special for you.  :)

People clean / don't clean for various reasons. But what is beautiful is when a person sees that they can enjoy the space they are in. For some of us that means cleaning less and for some of us cleaning a bit more.

Over the last year during my looong recovery to be OOTF, I have been able to enjoy keeping small areas tidy. I have organized closets the way I want them organized not the way my inner critic used to (stuff pushed into drawers to sort through "later").

Good on you! I will think of this next time I clean out the car! Don't think of this as silly - some people never make the progress you just described in your post here.

I appreciated everything you wrote. Hooray for this new way to see your tidying up tasks!

Trees

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athene1399

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Re: Just now realizing what "goal oriented" really means
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2020, 11:17:44 AM »
I loved your point about "goal oriented". I've never thought of it that way.

I coax myself into cleaning and stuff by saying "you'll thank yourself tomorrow if you do x today". Not with everything, but some things. But it's the same idea. If I do x now I can enjoy y tomorrow.

 I'm glad you cleaned your car and get to enjoy the tidy space!   :)

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NumbLotus

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Re: Just now realizing what "goal oriented" really means
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2020, 02:45:12 PM »
Great insight.

Imagine if:

There were no unpleasant or traumatic feelings or memories associated with a chore. Chores may not be fun for anyone but having bad associations is much worse.

You were taught constructively how to do them rather than criticized for real or perceived shortcomings.

The work you were given was "fair" - a murky concept for sure, but its opposite does exist. Chores aren't fun but resentment for having to take on the lion's share takes it to another level.

You were praised and appreciated for a job well done. This doesn't have to be overboard but imagine a parent poking his or her head into your room to check that you cleaned it and saying "hey, looks great!" This teaches you pride in your work, the feeling that a chore has a point where it is (at least temporarily) DONE and you can pat yourself on the back and enjoy its fruits. The emphasis is now on the innate rewards (something is clean and pleasant, and you can stop working and do something else while feeling good about your productivity).

I am sorry you did not have that experience; you certainly deserved it.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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Andeza

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Re: Just now realizing what "goal oriented" really means
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2020, 03:50:35 PM »
Thanks all, and yes, I'm enjoying my clean car, but hubby borrowed it so we'll see how it fares  :tongue2:

Numblotus, you make an interesting point. In fact, you've brought a memory to the surface. I remember being young, not sure how old, and regularly reorganizing the collection of items on my dresser, and on a few shelves in my room. I brought my M into the room, proud of myself, to show her.

Her comment? "there's still just as much stuff... You only moved it around" Way to encourage your kid.

If it had been fair, if she had been kinder, a lot of things would have been different. I wouldn't have to figure this stuff out as an adult. Better late than never, as they say, but still.

Hugs to all, we'll figure it out.

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looloo

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Re: Just now realizing what "goal oriented" really means
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2020, 05:22:22 PM »
What an AH HAH moment!    :applause:

I hated cleaning until I moved out and lived with my friend at the time.  I actually kept my bedroom as a teenager in horrible shape-clothes everywhere, just a disaster area - in order to keep my mother OUT.  I didn’t realize at the time that that was why I did it, but once I moved into my apartment, I suddenly liked having my space clean and tidy.

My friend/roommate’s mother was a very stereotypical “happy homemaker”, and so that’s how I learned the best process and methods for housecleaning, lol. 
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Just now realizing what "goal oriented" really means
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2020, 06:02:05 PM »
Just a side note here that might be helpful...

I've found the Flylady system helpful.  You can find out about her ideas from youtube videos such as The Secret Slob and Diane in Denmark. She also has her own website.

Flylady has a "car and purse day" every week.

A little bit and often is her basis - and I've found it really helpful.

AOD