Things Are Going To Change For Me In 2020

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HindSightIs2020

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Things Are Going To Change For Me In 2020
« on: February 14, 2020, 12:11:29 AM »
In a way, this is kind of surreal honestly. As I look back and put things together, it seems like the "family" I thought I had were actually nothing other than abusers. Kind of like not really different in any meaningful way from the abusive families that some of my friends had. I think that these are people who thought of me as disposable, and honestly that is essentially what they told me. I'm going to use their discarding tendencies to my advantage to leave and go live my own life without them in it. I'll walk out the door and never see them again, and I'm going to make it happen by the end of 2020. For some of us, that's just the natural course of growing up. And I think that I am one of them. I've had friends who've been through this, and I have seen that these stories are sadly quite common.

I used to be good and trapped with no realistic escape route in the near future. However, thankfully that seems to be changing. It has been a slow process, and it has taken me years to even make the progress that I have. I don't want to leave with them fighting hard and strong to get me to stay. I want to leave when they actually want me gone, but it won't be for the same reasons that most parents do. It'll be because they hate me and want nothing to do with me. I'm not going to do anything to poison the well myself though, because then there will be never a second of doubt in my mind that it was them that caused the no contact and not me. And it will be nothing other than not be afraid to show my own truth. And the truth will set me free.

In a sense, this is what I've been trying to do all along. But I was missing one key component, actual progress in my life to be able to launch forward with my escape. And finally, it looks like I have that missing piece emerging in my life. I'm earning more money with my work, which is going to make it possible for me to move out and move on. Previously, if anything, I have certainly laid the groundwork for them to see me as a "lost cause" and "give up" on me. Which actually will be a very good thing. Because that means there's a real chance that they'll leave me alone instead of continually trying to harass and control me for my whole life. And in a way, this other way of "growing up" will actually end up being a beautiful and amazing thing in its own way. It's own painful, traumatic, sad, and yet somehow incredible and beautiful way in its own screwed up and horrible sort of way.

Many people grow up and live their lives with their whole world around them, welcoming them, and appreciating them and who they are. And then there are the people like me who do not have that opportunity. And there are a lot of people like me who experience growing up very differently. Truly standing alone in the world. And yet surrounded by a whole new life that spawns within the seemingly insurmountable void, and it turns out that I'm not really alone and never really was alone. And end up creating something incredible from what seemed nothing, and ultimately doing what I was raised to believe was impossible. And not only living but thriving in that impossible space. That space that I got told doesn't exist. That space where being me, the real me is free to thrive. And even when I was told I had to change, to normalize myself for the world in a sense, the real me thrives on in this place and this corner of the world that my "family" of origin (e.g. my abusers) cannot even see. And even if they saw it, they wouldn't really see it.

Like a sort of "event horizon" in a sense. Those outside of it (e.g. my family of origin, their friends, extended family, etc.) just see a frozen, still frame image of a messed up, broken and "confused", immature person. However, to me, I fall right through all that so to speak and land in a whole other world. A world where me, the real me is actually okay. And it's fine that they'll never be able to see it because they won't really even be a part of my world. I'll be on my own new world. Yet they'll simply be so "uncomfortable" and judgmental towards who I am and my life that they'll probably end up wanting me out of their lives. And that's fine. Because I'll start my own. And that means forgetting about them and losing them forever most likely. But that'll be okay, just the natural course of things.

My guess is that as they see the real me, they'll want me gone and out of their lives more and more. And they'll discard and fade out of my life pretty quick. These people have shown signs of wanting to do that, and then dialed back who the hell knows why. But probably not for the right sort of reasons. At this point, I don't care if they rage, attack, and discard. That's just the natural course of things. When that happens, I'll respond accordingly by leaving and no longer being a part of their lives. And them no longer being welcomed in mine (and they might not even ever have much of a thought about me as I'd simply be discarded and disposed of according to them). But in my world, I could be doing great.

And if they don't do this, I would be surprised and to be honest I'm not sure what I'd do. If I go doing things my own way and they just act (or pretend) like everything is okay, that would be the more confusing scenario in a sense. And I really and honestly don't know what I'd do. Some things I've seen in them make me think that this could also be the way it goes. Whether that's because they just don't want to out themselves, because they're not following through on the threats I heard from them over the years, or what I don't know. If I don't get utterly raged at and discarded for expressing and acting on my own autonomy, I would be surprised and not sure what to do at this point. Not the other way around honestly.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2020, 12:25:24 AM by HindSightIs2020 »

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Ladymm

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Re: Things Are Going To Change For Me In 2020
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2020, 06:15:12 AM »
HindSightis2020,

I also think sometimes similarly:
- if they rage when I try to do what I want to do I will feel scared because my inner child is still (less tho) terrified of their rage, but at least it is predictable and then I remind myself I am an adult (something like this),
- if they dont rage what then?have they become good and I am the despicable being they made me believe I am?

I think this dialogue in both ways should n distanced a bit when we try to assert ourselves and just try to focus as much as we can on stating our boundary or doing what we want to do. We can also try to be as diplomatic as possible, I believe when we are less reactive they become less reactive too. Not necessarily, but at least we didn't let us get in a chaotical emotional moment.

Its an exercise of mind, self love and diplomacy imho. Its like choosing your food when you have a food allergy - annoyingly inevitable.

I can't decide if you wear me out or wear me well
I just feel like I'm condemned to wear someone else's hell