I feel alone but I know that I'm not

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St. Adler

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I feel alone but I know that I'm not
« on: February 14, 2020, 03:13:08 AM »
What an amazing privilege to read some of the posts on the forum and to realize that I am truly not the only one going through this. It is hard when you go no contact with a family of origin that seems to have entangled the entire planet. Daily triggers make me aware of just how entrenched the roots were that I am removing and have already removed.
I have attempted emotional cut off, moving away, gray rocking and eventually after going low contact for a couple of months and seeing a therapist to help me deal with the abuse I endured as a child growing up, I ended up stepping out of denial of the abusive marriage that I was in and separated from my husband. I had to communicate stronger boundaries with my parents at that time to prevent them from using my separation from my husband as an opportunity to get their paws on me.
I then became the villain and had flying monkeys coming at me left, right and centre. I also started a new job at the beginning of the year and moved into a new house.
I am very fortunate to have good close friends who have carried me through many breakdowns.
My mother was sexually abusive, emotionally abusive and insistent on a relationship with me no matter my restraint. She has apologized on the two occasions that I confronted her about it, but still states that she cannot remember it and that if God has forgiven her it is over now and dealt with. I tried to reconcile but couldn't make it happen on my own off course. I then laid down even more boundaries going no contact with them after she sent me a message about how I will always be a part of them and they of me, and how she and my father are the trees from which the branches were cut so that their children could write their life stories on those pages. She also told me that I am the beating of her heart which sickened me. My father is a full blown narcissist, I suspect my mother also has some narcissistic characteristics as she sees me purely as an extension of herself and disregards my boundaries. I have tried to help her stand up to my father's emotional abuse, but to no avail. My siblings have turned against me, to be expected I guess. Some days I feel like I stand alone against an army of a 1000 people, yet I know that this is not true.
I know I have many challenges ahead of me, but for the first time in my life, I can feel the little girl inside of me tugging at my skirt saying: At last, I can trust you a little bit now...
Thanks for reading and for the safe space.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: I feel alone but I know that I'm not
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2020, 04:04:14 AM »
Welcome! You have come to a good place. So glad to read that you are in therapy and you seem to be well on your journey of healing.

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sarandro

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Re: I feel alone but I know that I'm not
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2020, 06:33:05 AM »
Hello and welcome...
I know this forum will help you..the lovely folk here have helped me.

It IS a good place!

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St. Adler

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Re: I feel alone but I know that I'm not
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2020, 07:10:26 AM »
Thanks so much! Looking forward to getting to know everyone.

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FogDawg

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Re: I feel alone but I know that I'm not
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2020, 08:22:02 PM »
Greetings, St. Adler. "I don't remember that," is one of their favorite lines. Any boundaries will be ignored and pushed through. No matter how many times you call them out, you will not be shown the respect that you deserve. You are your own person and not any part of them, in spite of what may be claimed; narcs love to spout that bull. Even though it may feel like it, you are definitely not alone in what you are dealing with. I wish you the best.

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St. Adler

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Re: I feel alone but I know that I'm not
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2020, 06:31:51 AM »
Thanks so much. I cannot express how much I appreciate the validation offered in your response. Just means so much to me today. Thank you for making me feel so welcome and hear.

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FogDawg

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Re: I feel alone but I know that I'm not
« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2020, 03:19:17 PM »
You are most welcome. I'm glad to be able to help. It is a rough journey and we all need as much support and validation of our feelings as possible.