The Affects of Abuse

[Kat54]

Not living with my two twenty something kids makes me more aware of their struggles with the affects of my stbxH verbal and emotional abuse. They are still living in the house with their father.
Though my son has expressed he would like to move out soon and live with a couple buddies. I think it will be good for him. 

When it's the three of us together for a dinner like last night it causes me concern and guilt at leaving them behind. They are older so it's not like I left little kids but I left them with their abusive father.  That's why I left him because of the verbal abuse. Constant put downs, criticism almost everyday. Some covert but a lot out of anger. Barking and yelling at me and our kids daily. I've been awake half the night after our dinner together last night. The family dynamic and interaction is upsetting along with my guilt.
Son, is very negative, constantly putting his sister down, and me. He doesn't have anger issues like his father but he's pretty bad with his sister.
Daughter has self esteem issues. And I worry for her health. She's had since grade school weight issues. Her father yells at her constantly about what she's eating. I always felt It exasperated the problems.  I'm always at a loss at how to deal with this In order to help them without being thought of as criticizing.
It would be talking openly about their fathers abusiveness which we as a family have not discussed.
It concerns me that I would alienate them because I'll be talking badly about their father. It's like this unspoken bad thing that's lurking in the background.

When the divorce is finalized I keep saying this is a discussion I should have with them. It's why I left.
It's my issue also, not talking about things, especially since it's all so obvious. I'm  getting better since being out of the house and finally finding my voice. Being put down and made to feel like nothing kept me silent and to not go against him. Any advice appreciated. 

[Penny Lane]

Kat, I know you want to fix this and bring your kids Out of the FOG like you've come Out of the FOG. But I think you need to take a very light touch with this. If they're not ready to hear it, you're not going to find a magic set of words that will make them understand.

I think the most effective place to start is setting boundaries with them. You don't want to hear your son treat his sister that was AROUND YOU. That's a good boundary to set and much more enforceable than insisting he not treat her that way when you're not around.

Your kids are adults and they need to make the journey Out of the FOG on their own time. The discussion should happen when they're ready. They will lead the way and let you know.

I'm sorry, I wish I had a better solution for you. It's very frustrating, I know. But I do think if you focus on your own healing that will set a good example for your kids.

[athene1399]

It's my issue also, not talking about things, especially since it's all so obvious

while it's obvious to you, it may not be to them. And if you talk about something they aren't ready to hear, you may push them away. If they bring it up to you, that's one thing. But if they aren't then just leave it be for the time being. Unfortunately it is a waiting game. It can be incredibly frustration because to you  stbx's inappropriate behavior is plain as day. It isn't to them. To them it's normal.

I agree that you can tell your DS that you don't want to hear him talking to DD like that. If DD says something like "I can't eat this becasue Dad says I need to watch my weight" then you can have a conversation about that. Validate her feelings. 

[Kat54]

Thanks for the advice, you're both right. They are adults and will find their way out and the boundaries I will do for sure.

[Poison Ivy]

Be open to hearing and responding to what your children say about their father. I think it is possible to do so without disrespecting him.