She's coming. And I haven't sorted my feelings yet.

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DoorHeldOpen

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She's coming. And I haven't sorted my feelings yet.
« on: February 15, 2020, 02:18:57 PM »
So I have been avoiding my PD MIL for about 2 weeks now. It was gradual.
I wouldn't answer calls. When I did, I made myself busy and ended the calls quicker.
I wouldn't answer calls and texted instead.
Then I stopped all contact.

Now she is driving 6hours to come stay at my home. She rarely asks if coming to my home is ok. It's usually just stated that she's coming.
I can't help but think it is because I stopped talking to her and this is a way for her to force me to.

I've been thinking A LOT over a few weeks now and see how over 26 years, I've enabled her behavior.
I didn't set enough boundaries.
I've thought about all the instances that really burn me up and now I'm mad.

So after work I will have to face my MIL and I don't want to go to my own home.

I just don't want to blow up. This will upset everyone.
But I feel like I might not be able to control myself. I feel like I've had to fake kindness too many times.

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Pushpin

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Re: She's coming. And I haven't sorted my feelings yet.
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2020, 02:57:29 PM »
Do you have to let her in? Is there a way you can cancel?

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DoorHeldOpen

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Re: She's coming. And I haven't sorted my feelings yet.
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2020, 03:23:49 PM »
Thanks for the reply. I'm feeling a bit more anxious as the time is ticking.
This is helping me.  ;D

No way to cancel. My husband already dissuaded her to cancel last week.
She's determined.
She was going to come yesterday. VALENTINE'S - yes. The day her baby was conceived. OMG too much information.
She had car issues.

Nothing stops her. She's sick and unwell. This doesn't stop her.
She just wants to see her 'babies'.  :wacko:

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Bloomie

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Re: She's coming. And I haven't sorted my feelings yet.
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2020, 10:36:35 AM »
DoorHeldOpen - welcome! I see you are new here. I imagine the visit is underway and am wondering how you are coping?

I wanted to offer my support and also let you know there are great tools in the toolbox at the drop down menu and some helpful strategies in the top 100 traits where you will find a do/don't section for each identified trait you are facing with your mil's behaviors.

One of the things that has been important for me during the anger phase you describe yourself being in after so many years of this toxic behavior from you mil... is to learn how to work with my anger and keep it as an honorable sentry over what needs to be protected without harming anyone else.

Part of my own boundary work is learning to set both external boundaries and internal ones over my responses to baiting and bullying and intrusive behaviors where I felt backed into a corner with nowhere to turn in my own home by my in law family.

Some links that may be of support right now:

The work of Karla Mclaren in learning to work with our emotions has been incredibly helpful to me:
https://karlamclaren.com/start-here/
her work around anger in particular: https://karlamclaren.com/understanding-and-befriending-anger/

Boundaries:
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24.0

Top 100 Traits:
https://outofthefog.website/traits/

And a book that is faith based, but that I cannot recommend more for both you and your DH: Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend

Let us know how you are as you are able. We are here and we understand. I am so sorry you have this facing you and so thankful you have joined us.
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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Adria

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Re: She's coming. And I haven't sorted my feelings yet.
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2020, 12:39:10 PM »
Ugh!  So sorry you have to endure this.  MIL's can be such a burden to bear. 

Can you be busy?  Let dh deal with her most of the time. Be in and out, shopping, have coffee with a friend, go to a movie.  Read Medium Chill in the tool box and keep her at an emotional as well as physical distance as best you can.  Talk to dh ahead of time, so you can agree on a plan.  Also, you and dh probably have plans too, right?   So, you can both escape.  She can watch tv for a little while by herself when you go to your meeting, dinner with friends, church, etc. 

I hope it goes well. Try to stay cool, and leave the house and go for a drive if it gets to be too much. Hugs, Adria