Narc father uses my maiden name

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starshine23

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Narc father uses my maiden name
« on: February 15, 2020, 04:47:03 PM »
This used to infuriate me. It doesn’t bother me as much anymore or trigger me like it used to but I’m curious if anyone has any insight into this. Anytime my father sends me anything which is rare he uses my maiden name ( his last name) even though I have been married for almost 10 years. (And gladly took dh’s name.)  It feels very invalidating. Thoughts?
It takes strength to be a good person.  That's why the biggest bullies are truly the weakest cowards.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Narc father uses my maiden name
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2020, 05:31:23 PM »
My pds are really weird about names.

They're my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife.

Several years ago they started calling me by my official name which I've rarely been known as throughout my 50 years of life.  I guess in their eyes I wasn't fit to be called by my preferred name.

They also are furious that I have kept my married name (we have a ds) and have me in their email contact list as "official 1st name, maiden surname".

Throughout the last 7 years they've alternated between calling me my preferred name and my official name.

I guess it depends on how well I've been behaving.   :roll:

Personally, I'm now at a point where I'd prefer they don't call me by either name.  They really don't deserve that privelege.

I can't wait to change back to my maiden name.  I hate using my married name now and my maiden name is far more interesting and attractive!

I'm not sure about the parents calling their children by their maiden names.  Maybe it's a thing of wanting their name to continue down the historical line?  Maybe they feel like they're losing their own identity if their children don't use their surname. Maybe they're incensed that that you dared to break away from them and formed your own identity.

AOD


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candy

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Re: Narc father uses my maiden name
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2020, 05:46:18 PM »
My narc MIL and uNPDFIL do it.

DH took my maiden name. We decided my maiden name should be our FOC‘s last name when we started our own family. It‘s fine-sounding and full of history , so we thought it was a good choice. We chose traditions from DH’s side of the family for other areas of our life, not to be even but bc we simply liked them better.

Although it’s not uncommon for men to take the wife’s maiden around where we live, the IL‘s were furious about our choice.

The occasional cards we receive as a family are addressed to:
family Mr. DH (his maiden name = their last name)
For me it feels like they are not for me nor our child. I assume that’s exactly what the IL‘s want me to know: I am not „family“, this is not for me. Sigh.

IMO using your maiden name is a way to covertly tell you that Ndad doesn’t agree with your choices. Covert as it is still possible to say: what is there to be upset about? why are you this sensitive, it’s just a name ?!  :whistling:

Using a wrong name to make a point is childish and truly impolite. With regard to business communication this would be a no go.

Around where we live it would be formally correct to write an address like this:
family Ms X and Mr X (or Y, in case the couple isn’t married or they have different last names)

In my case by using DH‘s maiden name the IL‘s avoid to write down my PhD  :ninja:
FIL doesn’t have a PhD, consequently it bruises his ego I have that degree.

In the beginning I used to be offended, just a little bit but still. Exactly what they wanted me to feel, I guess. Today I laugh it off as indeed its obviousness is pathetic.

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Andeza

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Re: Narc father uses my maiden name
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2020, 06:05:07 PM »
My first impression is that he doesn't like your DH. But that might not be true.

My second impression is that this is your narcf trying to exert control over you and keep you in line by saying "Remember! You will always be My child first and foremost." As though he's trying to make you stay in the place you belong in according to his mind.

No matter what exactly the reason is, it's passive aggressive as heck.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Narc father uses my maiden name
« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2020, 06:11:29 PM »
I have two siblings. My father can never keep our names straight. He has always called us by another sibling’s name.

He claims he gets “confused”. He’s done this since we were kids. I just accepted it until recently when I realized he did Thai on purpose. I mean who can’t remember their own children’s names?

I think he does this to invalidate us. I think it’s probably similar to your father. If I were to guess I’d say he’s invalidating your adult decisions. When people do this they know exactly what they are doing. He knows what your name is.

I have come to see that pretty much everything my father said or did to me was come kind of dig designed to keep me in what he thought was my place.

Among other “sins” I have found a lot of professional success in an industry he wanted to be in but couldn’t hack it. He always said it was due to incompetent managers, but I see now that it was his attitude.

I think the very least anyone can do is to call someone by their actual name. It’s such a small, basic thing.

I’m sorry your father is doing this to you. It’s super invalidating and hurtful.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Narc father uses my maiden name
« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2020, 07:12:36 PM »
I kept my own last name when I got married.  My husband's parents always addressed correspondence to me using their (and husband's) last name.  It felt disrespectful to me.  My husband's dad probably had NPD.  But I don't think his mom did.  So I don't know if the refusal to use my chosen last name was old-fashioned, NPD related, or both.

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p123

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Re: Narc father uses my maiden name
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2020, 06:52:13 AM »
OMG that is so rude....

Dad does it. My wife has double-barrelled her name. Up to her - why do I care?

Dad from day 1 "Its silly you can't do that" so he sends birthday cards with my surname on. On purpose. I've told him its nothing to do with him and hes being so rude and he just shrugs his shoulders and days "well thats her surname by law". (It isn't actually her passport has got her legal name on it i.e. double-barrelled).

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Cassandra T

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Re: Narc father uses my maiden name
« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2020, 04:32:38 AM »
My covert narcissist mom, whenever I mention my nephews or nieces, she will "correct" me and say "you mean ANDY'S nephew." Andy is my husband and these are my nephews by marriage. But they are still "my" nephews, right? They call me "aunt."

So I tell her "no, I mean MY nephew. He IS my nephew." She says "well, by marriage. It just sounds strange to hear you say 'my nephew.'"

We've been married 32 years, and I'm already a great-aunt. It won't be long before I'm a great-great-aunt. I didn't have children of my own, so maybe that's why it sounds strange to her. But, I can't help but wonder if she wants me to feel like my family of origin is my only "real" family, to keep me isolated to because she's jealous.