Surveilled

[tragedy or hope]

Hi,
So things are good right now. i got two bunches of flowers and two valentine cards. Everything is done for me on a regular basis. even if I say please don't do it for me.
Boy are unpd's good at charm. I have questioned myself repeatedly in the last couple of days. Every situation is different.

In public his same stories come out with anyone new. The thing that bothers me is this person says they are a Christian but I do not get a sense of that kind of connectedness. When alone, I see a more diabolical side. I am starred at, studied... today I had to get into our RV. EVERYTHING I did was shadowed. I got on the treadmill, he wanted to get on the treadmill. I was in the kitchen he was in the kitchen, I said I wanted to do something, he wanted to do something... etc.

We have been like siamese twins for three days. unpdh is always offering to take me even to the store if I need something. When I say want to do it myself, he says I just want you to know I love you. As if I can't do anything for myself. I know better but it is intense gaslighting and I don't like it. If I am too firm the fight begins.

Yeah, I get uninterrupted attention until there is another attractive woman around or another form of N feed... whatever it could be. Then I am toast. I may as well be invisible.  The best audience is someone who has a title or who knows someone with a title.

I am writing today because I feel crazy today. As if ALL the other incidents of unpd behaviors never happened and I am imagining everything, Even though today is just like all the rest manipulation. Being on the other end of the crazy behavior is intense and very disturbing.

[Free2Bme]

hi tragedy or hope,

First, I am sorry you are going through this.  Yes, it is VERY confusing for the brain to process these polarizing messages.  I can truthfully say that I have experienced much of what you are describing with my updxh.  You are not crazy. 

My T told me that staring is a very serious form of hostile communication that can sometimes be aggression.  Surveilling you is a violation of basic rights and courtesy.   

Do you feel safe?  When you say you had to get into your RV, do you mean you did this to distance yourself from him or you were both traveling together?  I used to escape to my car n the driveway and lock the doors to escape.

My ex claimed Christianity, quoted scripture, served in the church, pursued eldership, taught bible studies, etc.  These things mean nothing if the inner parts of one's life are a complete contradiction.

When you say " Everything is done for me on a regular basis. even if I say please don't do it for me.", I'm guessing you are referring to things HE wants to do for you, in other words HE decides.  Would he honor your request for space, distance, personal time?

It sounds to me like he is extremely insecure, wants to watchdog you for fear of you turning your attention to something other than him. 

I hope I haven't sounded too blunt, I feel compassion for you.  But this seems to be very unstable for you.

Stay plugged in here and take care   

[1footouttadefog]

My spouse went through a phase like this. I was followed and he interjected himself into every moment of my day.

It preceeded my being parentified by him.  It did not actually seem toxic but rather pathetic. It was like he was an over eager puppy trying to please. At first.

Then later it was more like separation anxiety and insecurity. 

Then later more like surveilence and monitoring, and criticised and micromanaging.

I ended up setting up my own room in the basement.  I refused to be monitored and micromanaged in the kitchen.  A new normal was established .  He remained a child seeking mommies attention and I had more space.

Out new normals are usually better in terms of abuse and negative behaviours but worse in terms of a real marriage.  The new normals have been stages  towards a roommate situation.

[tragedy or hope]

Thank you both above for your empathetic responses. I am setting up our RV for a trip and have found some peace as he isn't really interested in going in there unless we travel.

I am amazed and comforted by the fact that you know what I am talking about. I have mentioned the starring and the reply is, "I like looking at you." I feel studied because he watches how I respond to other things to know what to do with others.

In religious/spiritual situations, he has parroted my words and "stolen" my spiritual growth as his own. People think he is so wise and knowledgable. Sometimes he uses my very words. When I call him on it, he makes a joke, "yes dear, you have taught me everything I know." It then becomes a joke to everyone. Can't win...

i just got directed toward understand N's behavior by a friend in the last 6 mos. or so. Since I have been reading a lot and slowly getting it. It take awhile to come Out of the FOG. It does cost something. However the more I speak up or take care of me the easier it is to move forward. 

Thanks again for the meaningful responses. I will keep them in mind.

Wh

[Free2Bme]

T/H ...

I hear what you are saying with the "stolen" spiritual growth.  IME, my uPDxh used phrases, concepts, ideas and parroted me and others in our "Christian" circle.  It was as if he practiced these in front of a mirror in order to get the inflections, cadence, and corresponding facial expressions to jive.  I observed he did this with parenting our children (copied my parenting style), and also when relating to friends/family, etc.  He seemed to be collecting responses to go into a file in his brain, so he could call upon a socially acceptable response for a given situation, and one that would make him look good, spiritual, etc.  (I'm sure this sounds crazy).

It is my opinion that he studied people in order to camouflage himself, all part of the false persona.  It was frustrating, and creepy.  I felt as if he were a hollow person, the only time I saw the real H was when he was showing contempt for me or others, or in a rage. 

All the while, my updxh was lying and smearing me for years behind my back, to the church (especially the leadership), family, friends, neighbors.  When I left, it all came to light.  Even though I went to the church leadership with oldest child (DD18) and told them about H abuse to me and children, the rage, etc.  They didn't believe me.  I was put out of my church and received hate mail from leadership and a few FM's for 2 years while going through divorce. 

I say this because I was  unprepared for the stress the smear campaign caused me.  After the damage was done (to me & kids) I learned that this is a common scenario: churches taking the side of the abuser because he/she played the victim, spiritual abuse/coercion, etc.  I have learned that not all churches/leadership are bad people, but oftentimes they are not educated or equipped to deal with these dynamics.

A lifesaver for me was this site ....https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/tag/living-with-a-narcissist/
He gets it.

I am not sure of the details of your situation, and don't want to assume your dealing with what I did, but I would encourage you to learn as much as you can about strategies that PD's use to control and exploit, so you don't get blindsided.

Hope I didn't overstep here, I guess I just wish someone could have clued me in a little sooner. 

[Mary]

Wow, so I'm not the only one....
Mahor aha happening right now on the spiritual copying thing. Sometimes it seems to work in my favor, as when he adopts my good parenting strategies. But slandering me ti the church behind my back, not so much.

Glad you are posting here. I hope you find ways to set more healthy spaces between you without feeling guilty.