Ending a toxic "ship"

[Phoenix Rising]

I'm struggling to get Out of the FOG with this one.

I have had trouble getting rid of this person for the last four years. The relationship is toxic, always on his terms and I basically have to drink to tolerate this person. I suspect he is NPD or ASPD. He doesn't change. Sadly, he does not do enough to get the cops called on him but enough for me to feel like utter crap. I tried stupidly enough recently to get along cause he keeps coming around despite blocking but he gaslit me whenever I confronted him about his behaviour. Never apologized or admitted any wrongdoing, just turned it on me. So I told the person I didn't want to see him anymore.

I asked if he would be willing to mail back some of my clothes (my expense) and he ignored me for a few days. I asked if he was upset about something but he didn't respond. Just left me on read. After asking a 2nd time about my things, he agreed. But after a week, I didn't receive anything (post takes 2 days where we live). He ignored me again then responded some days later that he hadn't sent it and he would that week.

I ended up just buying new things after three weeks. I felt so hurt, angry and confused as to why he was not giving me back my stuff. It was also frustrating because he behaved like I had wronged him or that I was a nuisance yet he wouldn't do the one thing that would "get rid of me". But I managed to gather myself  together and see it as a small price to pay to get away from someone who treats me bad. I bought new things and said f him. I thought it was over.

Two weeks ago, I got a letter from the postal service stating he sent me a parcel. After some thought, I decided not to get it at all. I replaced the things and I didn't want to think on the situation anymore. Three days ago, he writes on Messenger (spam) that I "better go get the package and to leave him alone".

It was a month since I contacted him (the last time I asked about my things) yet he turned it on me like I am bothering him... Now it feels like he's in my head again. I've had some sleepness nights wondering what I did wrong. He was being emotionally abusive prior to this and I couldn't deal with any more. Today I wanted to unblock him... I feel so weak and wondering if I am crazy and wrong for not wanting to be treated badly :/

Would be super appreciative for any clarity, support or similar experiences you all may be willing to share.

[P&K]

Ignore ignore ignore!
There is nothing he can do and he is trying to bait you. Any response is supply for him.

Having been through this with a nasty exboyfriend, there was absolutely nothing he could do except leave vm or emails. You will see just how determined he gets but his tantrums have no power. My personal favourite was when he got to the point where he TOLD me to tell him what he did wrong so he could stop “loving” me as if I was the abuser.  Because I was going to jump into that projection trap. 

Just forget it and let it go. It would reflect too badly on him to push further and it sounds like he likes alternative hero/victim roles(whichever suits the narrative at the moment) Even responding/following his command to leave him alone will encourage further contact. Don’t play the game.

You are too good for him and he knows it. This is about power/control and your lack of response is  likely infuriating(shows you realize your own personal power) Let the person stew. If it escalates, you are well within reason to contact the authorities. If he can’t be charged, at least it starts a paper trail.

Peace and love to you, you are worth so much more than that piece of trash.

[clara]

Because we're not PD, we tend to view relationships from all angles, including who did what and why.  We take responsibility.  We feel bad.  We try to understand.  The PD does none of this.  In their minds, it's a one-way street.  Since, most of the time, they feel they did nothing wrong (and even when they admit to doing wrong, I often wonder how sincere that admission is or if it's just another manipulation) when something goes wrong, someone has to be responsible--and that person is you.  No matter how many twists and turns they have to  make in order to come to that conclusion, they still make it. 

You cleared a huge emotional burden when you decided not to pick up the package.  I think that shows a lot of inner strength.  In situations like this, taking back your power is extremely important, because that's the last thing the PD wants.  They want you to be weak so they can continue controlling you.  They want to always have the upper hand.  And they're just waiting for you to come back around, because they're convinced that if they keep pulling their tricks out of their PD bag full of them, you will.  I think the most important thing to remember is--they won't change, and what they DO is more important than anything they say.  Treat them like a silent movie and just watch the action.  When you're able to divorce their words from their deeds, you start seeing the person you're really involved with, not the person they want you to think they are.  You see the abuse and the disrespect, and at that point it's easier to psychologically disconnect from them.  The person you thought you cared about was mostly an illusion (and I say this as someone who once had an ASPD "boyfriend" so I'm familiar with their level of behavior).   Once you're psychologically and emotionally disconnected from them, the rest is just techniques for cutting off communication. 

So I, too, would say ignore him.  Don't walk into any of the traps he's going to set, and the best way to avoid that is to avoid any communication of any kind.  Hopefully, his need for supply will find another source (it usually does) because PDs need supply as much as they need air to breathe.  Don't give it to him.  You deserve better!

[GettingOOTF]

Continue to keep him blocked. He won't change. With my ex the abuse got worse each time I got back in touch with him as he knew I'd always come back.

I'd probably pick up the package as they will send it back to him and it will give him another reason to contact you. Not that they need a reason.

No contact is really the only way to deal with people like this.

I'd like to gently suggest that you take a look at your needing to drink to deal with him. No one makes us need to drink, that comes from within us and is dictated by our relationship with alcohol. I personally used alcohol in this way for many situations in my life. The need for this went away once I started looking at how I was feeling, why I felt that way and how to handle those feelings.

Good luck.

[Phoenix Rising]

Ignore ignore ignore!
There is nothing he can do and he is trying to bait you. Any response is supply for him.

Having been through this with a nasty exboyfriend, there was absolutely nothing he could do except leave vm or emails. You will see just how determined he gets but his tantrums have no power. My personal favourite was when he got to the point where he TOLD me to tell him what he did wrong so he could stop "loving" me as if I was the abuser.  Because I was going to jump into that projection trap. 

Just forget it and let it go. It would reflect too badly on him to push further and it sounds like he likes alternative hero/victim roles(whichever suits the narrative at the moment) Even responding/following his command to leave him alone will encourage further contact. Don't play the game.

You are too good for him and he knows it. This is about power/control and your lack of response is  likely infuriating(shows you realize your own personal power) Let the person stew. If it escalates, you are well within reason to contact the authorities. If he can't be charged, at least it starts a paper trail.

Peace and love to you, you are worth so much more than that piece of trash.

Thanks for your answer. I really can relate to your experience with your ex saying things to bait you into engaging. This guy does this all the time.

I have been ignoring him for a month now. I don't think he will do anything where I could actually contact the police (and not be laughed at) but I am scared about any future attempts for contact. I can't deal with it, in the past I just end up knocked off my feet so to speak.

[Phoenix Rising]

Because we're not PD, we tend to view relationships from all angles, including who did what and why.  We take responsibility.  We feel bad.  We try to understand.  The PD does none of this.  In their minds, it's a one-way street.  Since, most of the time, they feel they did nothing wrong (and even when they admit to doing wrong, I often wonder how sincere that admission is or if it's just another manipulation) when something goes wrong, someone has to be responsible--and that person is you.  No matter how many twists and turns they have to  make in order to come to that conclusion, they still make it. 

You cleared a huge emotional burden when you decided not to pick up the package.  I think that shows a lot of inner strength.  In situations like this, taking back your power is extremely important, because that's the last thing the PD wants.  They want you to be weak so they can continue controlling you.  They want to always have the upper hand.  And they're just waiting for you to come back around, because they're convinced that if they keep pulling their tricks out of their PD bag full of them, you will.  I think the most important thing to remember is--they won't change, and what they DO is more important than anything they say.  Treat them like a silent movie and just watch the action.  When you're able to divorce their words from their deeds, you start seeing the person you're really involved with, not the person they want you to think they are.  You see the abuse and the disrespect, and at that point it's easier to psychologically disconnect from them.  The person you thought you cared about was mostly an illusion (and I say this as someone who once had an ASPD "boyfriend" so I'm familiar with their level of behavior).   Once you're psychologically and emotionally disconnected from them, the rest is just techniques for cutting off communication. 

So I, too, would say ignore him.  Don't walk into any of the traps he's going to set, and the best way to avoid that is to avoid any communication of any kind.  Hopefully, his need for supply will find another source (it usually does) because PDs need supply as much as they need air to breathe.  Don't give it to him.  You deserve better!

Thanks Clara, I really needed to read this. I have a good idea of who I am yet I am often wondering if I am PD whenever I have dealt with this person (he is very good at deflecting, blaming and giving silent treatment). It took four years to see that he won't change and to be able to end things myself so I'm proud of myself for that.

Right now I think I need to find other methods of handling when he does try to come around. I can never predict when or how he will reach out. It has been as long as a year and as little as a week. I'm feeling concerned as for what is going to happen next.

Also thank you for the support on the decision not to pick up the package. I really debated with myself on that cause it seemed smarter at first to just go and get it but at the same time potentially taking that avenue seemed like I was giving him control. It was sent back on Friday without me having to do anything. I think it really helped a lot to do little things like just replacing the belongings.

[Phoenix Rising]

Continue to keep him blocked. He won't change. With my ex the abuse got worse each time I got back in touch with him as he knew I'd always come back.

I'd probably pick up the package as they will send it back to him and it will give him another reason to contact you. Not that they need a reason.

No contact is really the only way to deal with people like this.

I'd like to gently suggest that you take a look at your needing to drink to deal with him. No one makes us need to drink, that comes from within us and is dictated by our relationship with alcohol. I personally used alcohol in this way for many situations in my life. The need for this went away once I started looking at how I was feeling, why I felt that way and how to handle those feelings.

Good luck.

Thank you! I have noticed in my situation that every time we reconnect, it just gets worse and he seems to ramp up the things he does e.g. I behave coldly when he tries to re-enter and he persists for more and more or is able to pretend for longer until he thinks I believe he is changed, being nice, etc.

I opted not to pick up the package, it was sent back on Friday. He contacted me a few days before the postal service was set to take it back. With this person, it doesn't seem to matter what action I take.. if he feels like making contact, he does somehow. The best I can do right now is to just keep him blocked and hope that he doesn't find out my phone number (the government here forces everyone to share name/address/phone number unless you have been a documented victim of crime).

Thank you as well for your concern - The drinking was a big reason for me wanting to sever ties. I do not drink otherwise - I eat healthy, lift weights and have not used any alcohol/drugs in the past to deal with my problems. This guy is an alcoholic and his psychological abuse was so bad that I felt outright nervous and anxious whenever I was around him. I got used to a lot of underhanded comments, conversation stealing and I had to learn over a long time that his behaviour is not ok or "normal". So IMO some people's behaviour does drive others to drink but ultimately it is a choice one makes. I think I have done enough analyzing, particularly after having the tables turned on me and the solution is to just stay away from this person and never look back.