“Jargoning” AKA Language Manipulation as a Deflection Tactic

[DetachedAndEngaged]

I have an in-law who very publicly owns and broadcasts that she has been diagnosed by a psychologist as BPD. She's fond of posting about BDP and her struggles on social media, and recently she posted an article with the title "Please Stop Describing People With Borderline Personality Disorder as 'Manipulative'." I can't post the link, but if you google the title, you will see it.

I got quite a chuckle out of this because the article strikes me as classic PD manipulation. Specifically a technique that I call "jargoning," which  you could think of as language manipulation and redefinition.

My observation is that this technique is especially deployed by PDs who are themselves therapists, have some therapeutic training and/or have been through therapy and learned how to use insights from it manipulatively.

The way this technique works in general is to take a word that has a neutral or can have a neutral descriptive meaning and insist that it is defined in a pejorative way. Then, anytime one uses that word to describe a person's behavior, they accuse you of "labeling" or "name calling," which are forbidden, pathological behaviors, thus, casting themselves as victims of your supposedly illegitimate, unfair, unhealthy actions.

One definition of "manipulative" is "influencing or attempting to influence the behavior or emotions of others for one's own purposes." Yet, the article above, written by a BPD woman, objects to the term "manipulative" by saying "People with BPD are usually not intentionally malicious in their intentions." What she is doing is adding to the definition of "manipulative" to disallow a neutral use of the term by adding the criteria of intentionality and malice. Since none of us have psychic abilities, she can always argue that no matter how things look to an outsider, she is not being intentionally malicious in her actions and is, therefore, not "manipulative." The author goes even further and equates "manipulative" with being "inherently bad." Hence, we're being mean and pathological if we were to describe her behavior as such. Now, I believe that the author genuine feels her interpretation of the word. I'll gladly grant her the right to feel that, and acknowledge that whatever she feels is real for her. However, that doesn't mean it is real for anyone else.

This is a brilliant deflection tactic. Instead of focusing on her behavior, she can can turn the tables and focus on the word choice of the person who is talking to her.

What I've found works best when encountering this tactic is to immediately medium chill, grey rock and disengage. Subsequently, I minimize contact.

The worst response is to try to engage in a reasoned conversation about how I am using the word myself that doesn't imply what they think it does and insist that my definition is legitimate. This just feeds into PD drama.

In general, my interactions with PDs (and everyone, actually) has led me to put far less emphasis on people's intentions and focus on their actions and outcomes. Although inferring intention from behavior is reasonable and to some degree a natural human trait, it ultimately comes crashing up against our inability to read other people's minds. A bright PD will always accuse you of "mind reading" if you attribute negative intentions to them (though not if you attribute positive intentions). I have found for myself that the focus on someone else's intentions is closely related to me trying to explain their behavior sympathetically ("they meant well"), thinking that somehow they may act differently in the future. With PDs the is a recipe for banging one's head against a wall.

I find it useful to think about intoxicated drivers—regardless of their intentions, they are more likely to injure or kill themselves or others by driving than someone who is sober. It is wise not to get in the car with an intoxicated person regardless of their intentions or whether they are aware of their intoxication, just as it is wise to minimize as much contact as possible with PDs.

When I encounter people who accuse me of "labeling" or "name calling," I almost always find that they are engaging in this jargoning game as deflection. I'm a person who avoids using inflammatory insults and focuses on behavior rather than some imagined inherent essence of a person. However, PDs frequently don't like hearing that they've done things that other people find hurtful, no matter how you put it. No amount of trying to follow their strict language rules makes any difference—they simply refuse to take responsibility for the harm they do in the world. (Thus, Non-Violent Communication approaches don't work with PDs.) This is part of a broader tactic of PDs responding to anything they don't want to hear about themselves by criticizing the _way_ in which someone has expressed themselves, rather than the _content_ of what they are expressing.

The solution is simply to not play that game. Disengage.

I find that a sign of an intellectually/emotionally healthy and resilient person is their ability to listen skillfully to what is being said even if the manner in which someone else is communicating isn't ideal.

I'm interested to hear if others have encountered this.

And, also, other examples of how PDs use things they've learned in counseling as avoidance tactics.

[moglow]

Had a small giggle over the jargoning - and yet your relative has no apparent objection to the BPD label. She could seek counseling and learn better behavior but she chooses to hold and promote that label. Thats the problem with having a diagnosis sometimes, too many choose to focus on THAT rather than seeking healing and recovery. They own that label and happily lump the bad behaviors under that umbrella. Then you're/we're the bad guy for daring call it as we see it. 

[SparkStillLit]

I had a giggle, too..."you keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." However, I've been subjected to this very tactic. If my "horrible" word choice isn't a direct issue, it will be my tone, my face, the look in my eye...
All my Expressions are carefully monitored and either stored away or immediately questioned and/or attacked for being negative.
I've perfected RBF. I have it anyway. I just do it all the time now.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

Good point. I've been seeing BPD appearing a lot more in the general press than in the past. Seems like the TV Show "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" particularly has brought it into public attention.

However, as opposed to seeing PDs generally as horrible, destructive habits that can be overcome, some seem to treat PD like being born blind--it becomes an uncurable disability that should be accommodated by those around them.

Had a small giggle over the jargoning - and yet your relative has no apparent objection to the BPD label. She could seek counseling and learn better behavior but she chooses to hold and promote that label. Thats the problem with having a diagnosis sometimes, too many choose to focus on THAT rather than seeking healing and recovery. They own that label and happily lump the bad behaviors under that umbrella. Then you're/we're the bad guy for daring call it as we see it. 

[DetachedAndEngaged]

Oh yes! Exactly!

The most extreme example I've encountered was a woman I dated who had trained as a Buddhist psychotherapist and was obsessed with how her clients breathed. When she couldn't find any other way of deflecting, she would gaslight and claim I was holding my breath or not breathing deeply enough, and until I started breathing to her satisfaction I couldn't relate to her properly.

Heh heh, so much for her "mindfulness."

I had a giggle, too..."you keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." However, I've been subjected to this very tactic. If my "horrible" word choice isn't a direct issue, it will be my tone, my face, the look in my eye...
All my Expressions are carefully monitored and either stored away or immediately questioned and/or attacked for being negative.
I've perfected RBF. I have it anyway. I just do it all the time now.

[LemonLime]

Oh yeah, wow.  This stuff really rings a bell in regards to my uPDsis, likely covert N.

She's been manipulative since we were kids.  I knew something was weird then, but didn't have a name for it.  And she has always thought she can read minds, which I now see as just part of her huge boundary issues.

Guess what she majored in in college?  Yep!  Psychology! 
So now she can accuse all us nonPDs of "triangulating" and "eviscerating her with our daggerlike words" (ie anything she does not want to hear).
It really is something, isn't it?    She's smart and well-spoken and well-read, which makes it all the worse IMO.  She analyzes facial expressions and words in a way none of the rest of us do.   She reads negativity into so many situations.

I really loved this video on covert narcissists (he calls them "vulnerable narcissists").   It's about what they might be thinking.  Oh my gosh it explains my sibling exactly, and why she says what she does.    Someone else on this board recommended it, and I can't remember who.  Thank you!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cb9SyOQ2zAU

My sib sees the world very differently than the rest of us do.  And it's negative, and there is nothing I can do to change her mind.  Any evidence I could present to disprove what she is saying will be disregarded, lied about, or twisted in some way that makes ME look bad.  She must deflect any feedback that she doesn't like.  I really think she feels that her life depends on always being right.  Literally depends on it. 
So I have officially given up trying to fight lies with truth.
Which feels like defeat in some ways, but certainly a relief.   The best thing I can do is keep myself out of her range of vision.

The other narcissist that I've encountered in my life is now posting her own Meditation videos on You Tube.   
You must be kidding me!   She currently has several open lawsuits against contractors and others in her life she feels did her wrong.  She always has lawsuits against people.  It's part of her daily life to be in battle with others.  It's completely normal for her.   But she is going to teach YOU how to meditate.   Wow.

This PD stuff is mind-boggling and I need (and get) therapy to sort it out. 

[TriedTooHard]

DetachedAndEngaged, I saw that article too and I immediately thought this is a new phase we're now about to enter with PDs.  Just one more reason, in a list of many, for us to get as far away as possible while we can.

I can tell how you've endured a lot of this circular logic.  You've certainly been patient.

When I was a teen, before I knew anything about PDs, I started recognizing this tactic in my uNPDm.  I used to wonder if she was suffering from missing a chance to be a star on her high school debate team.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

TriedTooHard, social media provides an excellent venue for PDs to troll, high five each other and recruit flying monkeys.

You probably wont' be surprised to hear that the article posted led one guy who's obviously been burned by a BPD, but isn't sufficiently clued in not to get sucked into the drama, to post that BPDs are, in fact, frequently manipulative. What he got in response were crude insults from people brandishing their BPD status and claiming their were triggered and harmed by his one sentence reply.

So... he blocked those people so they couldn't be "harmed" by reading his opinions.

How did the original poster respond? By insulting him, telling him how pathological he was by expressing his experiences, and chastising him for blocking people. Then she said she took screen shots of his comments and sent them to the people he blocked.

Epic. She blasted him for saying supposedly mean things, then made sure the people he blocked saw the allegedly mean comments he prevented them from seeing.

So funny. She objects to being called manipulative, then acts manipulatively.

Of course, then she unfriended him to lock him out of the conversation, whereupon she and her friends proceeded to call him a "c-nt" and a "monster," all the while bemoaning how horrible people are to describe them as "manipulative."

So, apparently, "c-nt" and "monster" are perfectly acceptable words to use (at least against someone who isn't BPD), but "manipulative," well... that's beyond the pale!

They accused him of claiming that "all BPDs are the same" and that "he's the only person in the world who has had to deal with someone who suffers from BPD." Completely untrue, but using straw man arguments to deflect criticism is a classic PD technique.

The woman who posted that article owns her diagnosis and sometimes actually demonstrates that she can exert self-awareness and control, though always (and, yes, I mean every time I've seen it) makes a big deal about it and becomes the center of attention (regardless of whether that's what she intends).

She regularly posts crap like this. She's trolling. Most of the time all she gets are a few likes, but this time she hit the jackpot.

She also loves to post on Facebook about her Twitter battles and even wax indignant about getting put on Twitter time-out because of her offensive insults, which she wields as badges of honor. One of her favorite tactics is to post about how women in her industry are treated worse than men and then blast any man who writes in support, complaining that men are always trying to monopolize the conversation. If any man challenges her... well, she gets to be even more of a victim.

On the one hand, social media is a dream come true for the PD drama junkies. On the other hand, it lets the rest the of us see what is going down so we can avoid these people in real life.

[athene1399]

I have so much to say about this. i hope I keep it organized.

"manipulative" itself is not an emotional word, but we attach the emotion to it (that it's a negative thing). However, "manipulative" just describes a behavior. It's what someone does when they can't come out and ask for what they want. So in general saying "don't call manipulative behavior manipulative" is just dumb. However, if you change that to "mental health professionals should find better ways to tell PDs they are being manipulative", then I can agree with that. But if you don't realize you are doing it, then how can you change the problematic behavior?

I know others has said this feels a lot like "i have a condition and I can't help it". You can't change if you feel helpless to change. The way you describe the article, it sounds like she is saying "I can't help it, so don't call it manipulation". I feel that is not helpful for anyone.

Like trying to change what it is called does nothing to help change the behavior.

I want to believe she wrote this article to help decrease the stigma surrounding BPD.  I just don't think she went about it in the best way. It almost feels like victim blaming. Maybe there's a bit of projection going on here as well.

[Rose1]

I really enjoyed this. I've had far too much "they mean well, you just misunderstood" or "that's just the way she is" in my life. My experience is that they didn't mean well. I understood perfectly and that might be the way they are but the "just" word minimises it and is supposed to make us feel we are over reacting. Watch the actions became my response. And don't those actions clarify the situation well?

Thanks for posting.

[Bowsy26]

My PD certainly is proficient at jargoning.  It feels good to have it described in detail. I've been screamed at by dnpdh  for even referring to opportunities for him to practice empathy (his counselor said he can learn empathy).  All discussion then focused on me labeling him and how unfair that was of me, etc., etc., etc.  At least now I know how useless it is to try to rationally explain or to apologize and try to get the conversation back on track.  They don't want it to get back on track. 

[DetachedAndEngaged]

I've been screamed at by dnpdh  for even referring to opportunities for him to practice empathy (his counselor said he can learn empathy).  All discussion then focused on me labeling him and how unfair that was of me, etc., etc., etc.  At least now I know how useless it is to try to rationally explain or to apologize and try to get the conversation back on track.  They don't want it to get back on track.

I'm glad you found what I wrote helpful. Thanks.

You hit the nail on the head. Something as seemingly benign as indicating an opportunity to exercise a skill that's been discussed previously becomes "labeling/judging/being judgemental/putting them in a box/painting them into a corner/pigeonholing/finding fault/attacking/criticizing/diagnosing/insulting/demeaning/punishing/name calling/pathologizing" because you are pointing out that someone isn't exercising the skill.

Is there anything more productive in a conversation than someone labeling you as "labeling"?