Anyone ever move, or consider moving, far away from their adult sibling with BPD

[realitybaths]

My adult sibling (female) is definitely BPD and it is getting more pronounced as she ages. She moved into the town I currently live in after dropping out of graduate school. It's been a real roller coaster since she moved here 15 years ago and things aren't getting better and I fear will only get worse. She now has taken a disliking to my wife, whom she thinks wronged her. She cannot allow herself to forgive and has cultivated grudges for all the "former" people in her life whom she believes have wronged her. She and my wife used to be fairly close friends.

I have many, many great things happening for me where I live at this time; great job with lots of opportunity, lots of friends, great town. Oftentimes, though, I want to flee from the toxicity exhibited by my sister. Her kids are suffering, her husband struggles with mental illness himself. At times I feel trapped, as does my wife. We have dinner at my parent's house most weekends, but they have enabled her for decades and won't say anything to her. If anyone did reproach her for her rude and sometimes abusive behavior, we fear she would cut off all contact with us and we would never see her kids again.

Suggestions?

[p123]

My adult sibling (female) is definitely BPD and it is getting more pronounced as she ages. She moved into the town I currently live in after dropping out of graduate school. It's been a real roller coaster since she moved here 15 years ago and things aren't getting better and I fear will only get worse. She now has taken a disliking to my wife, whom she thinks wronged her. She cannot allow herself to forgive and has cultivated grudges for all the "former" people in her life whom she believes have wronged her. She and my wife used to be fairly close friends.

I have many, many great things happening for me where I live at this time; great job with lots of opportunity, lots of friends, great town. Oftentimes, though, I want to flee from the toxicity exhibited by my sister. Her kids are suffering, her husband struggles with mental illness himself. At times I feel trapped, as does my wife. We have dinner at my parent's house most weekends, but they have enabled her for decades and won't say anything to her. If anyone did reproach her for her rude and sometimes abusive behavior, we fear she would cut off all contact with us and we would never see her kids again.

Suggestions?

Ignore her. Let her crack on on her own....

Alas, the kids thing is difficult....

[bloomie]

reality baths - I see you are fairly new here and want to offer a warm welcome.

Living close to a high conflict, boundary busting, PD family member who is enmeshed with our parents is really hard. It makes perfect sense you would consider moving to get out of the wrecking ball that her behavior threatens.

At times I feel trapped, as does my wife. We have dinner at my parent's house most weekends, but they have enabled her for decades and won't say anything to her. If anyone did reproach her for her rude and sometimes abusive behavior, we fear she would cut off all contact with us and we would never see her kids again.

Something it might be easier to do over moving is cut back those points of contact being in your parent's home so many times/month with your sister brings. You have 100% control over how you spend your time and who you spend it with. To be in close proximity with this toxic behavior every single week is a lot.

You don't have to make a huge announcement as to why you are quietly fading out of weekly visits that involve your sister.  You can see your parents at other times or less frequently. There are all kinds of options and you get to choose.

One very valid response to ongoing toxic and rude behaviors is to politely remove ourselves from the source. I understand, trust me I truly do, how even that change can rock the precarious balance in an unhealthy system, but the most important thing to remember is... you may feel stuck and that is valid, but you are not stuck. You have 100% say so and control over your choices and priorities. We come here to learn that feelings are not = to facts.

Change only came for us when we began to live in the freedom to choose how much we invest in unreliable, conflict driven, enmeshed family members. It is possible to break free and live in the same town you love so much. I don't say it's easy to break free from the fear, obligation, and guilt, but that is what we are here to learn together to grow into.

[Adria]

Realitybaths,

I moved away from my hometown to get away from all the craziness.  In some ways, it has been a very good decision.  But, just because you move away, doesn't mean you leave it all behind.  To some extent it follows you, especially in your thoughts.  I am happy we made the choice, but just know, it doesn't end all problems. 

If I were you, I would take Bloomie's advice and try to work it out where you are if you have such a nice life there. Maybe read the book "Boundaries, by Henry Could and Townsend," to help you learn new skill sets.  The book is life changing.  Personally, I would not have dinner at parent's house if sibling is going to be there. Cut back, don't do it all at once. Kind of fade out and visit with your parents another day of the week.  I, also, wouldn't explain too much, maybe something like, "Oh, our schedules have changed, so we'll stop by when we can, etc., or have parents to your house for dinner without sibling.

Putting up boundaries will get you a long way. It's definitely worth a try before going all out with a move.  I wish you the best, Hugs, Adria

[GettingOOTF]

My siblings and I are scattered across continents. The distance didn't really stop the abuse.

I am now NC with my father and siblings. The distance helps with that as we don't have friends in common and they can't easily come round, but really I only got relief once I cut contact.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes, I considered moving away from my older sister who I believe has NPD. She lives five miles away. We used to be friends, but when I look back on it, I can see how much I gave up and gave into just to have peace with her. I also believe she has gotten worse as time  goes on. My parents never corrected her very obvious infractions.  Whenever I did, they told me to let it go.
Similar to you, life outside of this is great. I fantasize about leaving, but we are going to remain. We like it. Instead I decided to put up very firm boundaries with my sister about how often I will see her or when I will interact. She is too cruel for me to tolerate, and I gave up thinking I could make it better. So, this is where we are.  I chose me and my life.  My husband sees it too which is a huge support. It helps when you and your spouse are aligned. 
So, I see my parents only when my sister is not there. Holidays and special occasions are celebrated on a different day. My parents do not like it, but I tell them this is just the way it is going to be for the forsee-able future. I no longer call my sister, respond to her messages, or make any plans that include her. After one particular confrontation with her, I told her "no more". She does not get it. She has left messages for me but they are demanding and angry.  If her behavior ever changes, I will be open to her but so far there is no change. So, I live by my boundaries and do not attempt to get anyone to agree or understand. 
In the meantime, I do miss my sister's kids. I miss being their Aunt. That to me is the cost and it seems to be a common one. However, it is nothing I chose. It was more a last act of survival for my own well being which I believe must be my priority. 

[FoggedFrog]

It was always my intent growing up to move far away and never come back. But reality is reality, my life didn't turn out like that. I've been NC with my Nsis for years but we live in the same city. While our parents still had contact with Nsis, I would not come to the house while she was there. They'd tried to get us all together for holidays, but I stood my ground - they'd need to have 2 separate holiday celebrations or they could choose not to celebrate with me at all. Up to them. Maybe you can enforce similar boundaries into your life?

[sandpiper]

It's tough. I think you have to accept that sooner or later she's going to cut her kids off from you anyway. PD siblings tend to resent hell out of anyone that their children might prefer to them and at some point she's going to demand that they turn on you and play 'sides' or else they will be themselves under threat of excommunication. It's what they do.
I moved about an hour away from my FOO. It's made it much easier to avoid the toxic support crew that indulges their behaviour and it's given me the space that I needed to get clear of the mutual acquaintainces who were poisoning my life with the Flying Monkey tactics.
As others have said, it doesn't solve the problems, but I have found that geographic distance has given me a great deal of contentment. An hour's drive from FOO is just far enough away to stop them making demands of you and it's not so far away that they can demand to come and stay with you for days at a time. Worth considering, but don't sacrifice the other good things in your life. Try boundaries, first.

[Phoenix Rising]

I do not have any siblings but I wanted to share a perspective. I don't think moving away suddenly cures any problems and drama the PD causes, however, sometimes that's what one needs to do for their own happiness and mental health.

I moved to another continent completely. I have never been happier. I still have to deal with the impact from years of PD abuse and work on myself.. However the distance and time difference has really helped.  Like I am no longer this slave for my PDgran and her triangulation using other family members doesn't work because I am physically not there. I answer phone calls when I feel like it and they do not have my international number.

I would suggest to look at the pros and cons and try to use strategies to establish boundaries where you are first. But also keep in mind that in general (or if the strategies aren't working) that moving away can be quite freeing.

[Transcendence]

My younger sister evolved into a malignant narc when she married another one.  We were best friends and I took care of her growing up and looked out for her.  She moved to my town and lived with me and then later got established there as well.  As I look back I realize I catered to her and so did our parents and step parents as she was the youngest.  But she didn't totally devalue me and start cruelly betraying me until she didn't need me anymore and elevated her lazy entitled narc husband. 
At any rate they lived in the same town with me and when I was ready to break contact with my sister after many painful abuses and character assassinations...she became pregnant with my nephew.  I took care of my nephew at least once a week for 7 years.  She was so jealous of our relationship that she would try to sabotage it, constantly.  They moved to another state and it was freeing on one hand but I missed my nephew terribly.
They manipulated and exploited another one of my family members in that state and changed my family's will as I was originally  the executor.  I know they plan to take it all from me and my other sibs.  It felt good to have them so far away but when I visited I had to be in the same house as them and inevitably I would be attacked and slandered.  They are a malignant narc power couple and winning is all they care about.  They are very shallow and cruel.
They continued to ruin my relationship with my nephew with their slander and lies...and it is horrific how they skillfully destroy lives and relationships. Unfortunately I had to live in the same house with them for several years and I was traumatized nearly daily.  It was a hellish time of walking on eggshells and just trying to stay away as much as possible.  They still screwed with me and humiliated me when other relatives were gathered because they had snowed everyone. 
Given the chance to move far far away again....I would do it!   But that is my situation.  I do not have a family of my own or a bf or husband.  That would make a difference for me if I had anyone else who lived in reality and wasn't in denial about the damage and trauma caused by these heartless self centered out of control individuals that leave behind a wake of brokenness and evil.