PD acting as if you require the eggshell treatment

[Stillirise]

Do you ever notice the PD in your life asking you for assistance in a way that indicates you require the eggshell treatment? As in, "If it's not too much trouble, would you mind to...? I'd really appreciate it."  Said in a way that indicates you might blow up any second.  This, for a task/favor that is basic, or you routinely do anyway.   Today, I happened to stare back blankly for several seconds about such a request, because it was early, and is something I already do nearly every day anyway.   I finally managed to reply that yes, that's what I normally do.  I was then criticized for "The look" I had, and seeming angry about his simple request.

I find since I've gone GR/MC, this is the typical way he asks me to do something for him.  Formerly, there would have been much more criticizing and guilt about why I needed to do said thing.   I feel like this is a subtle form of chaos manufacture—to try and make me feel like I was being difficult, when he was just asking nicely for something.  Also, projection, since I've stopped asking for assistance from him for anything that can be avoided. The drama is just too much.

I've really been feeling the weight of dealing with all of this lately. I sometimes think I'm being overly sensitive.  These subtle things seem so minor, but they all add up to being exhausting. Maybe it's just a bad day, and maybe this should be in "working on us!"    Thanks, all.

[NumbLotus]

Sounds manipulative to me, hoping to get a rise out of you and then blame you for being "moody," "oversensitive," whatever.

They'll hammer on any triggers they find. My H plays defense and not offense, but when things blow up and I'm playing it cool, I've noticed he found a button he can press: he'll say something absolutely absurd, just bonkers crazy, like blaming me for something that would be bizarre to blame me for. I used to take the bait but now I just ignore it.

The way I can ignore it is by seeing it for what it is and not taking it remotely seriously. I realized that not even he really believes what he is saying, so why should I be upset? It's just a game and I don't have to play childish games.

So you might consider not worrying about what a monster you are, after you've done a basic sanity check (which you have). Next time he minces and lrances around you, be ready for your beautiful MC answer: "sure, no problem," said clearly but without really giving him much attention. He knows you always do it. He knows he is just playing a game.

[notrightinthehead]

When this happens I would try to look inside me what feeling I have. The way you describe it, you might feel irritated and wrong footed because of the subtle underlying message you perceive. It might confuse you because it is contradictory to how you see yourself. The feedback you are getting is that you are being difficult and the intent might be to get an emotional reaction from you.
I agree with Numblotus, the safe response would be 'Yes sure' and to ignore the second and maybe even third meaning.

[GettingOOTF]

Sounds manipulative to me, hoping to get a rise out of you and then blame you for being "moody," "oversensitive," whatever.

Yes this. My ex used to do this to me all the time. Like I was this fragile thing that needed to be handled with kid gloves or she'd go crazy.

It's so manipulative and totally intended to get you to doubt yourself

[20yrsofcrazy]

Yes.  I get the "if it's not too much trouble,  can you help me with ______.  No hurry.  Just when you can...."

This boils my blood because for 20+ years he demanded, or better yet, insisted I should just KNOW when he needed help and if I didn't drop everything, including tending to young children,  I was selfish and arrogant. 

He can be so gentle and considerate now - now that I couldn't literally care less.

[Stillirise]

This boils my blood because for 20+ years he demanded, or better yet, insisted I should just KNOW when he needed help and if I didn't drop everything, including tending to young children,  I was selfish and arrogant. 

He can be so gentle and considerate now - now that I couldn't literally care less.

Same. This actually reminded me of something that happened many years ago, right after we were married. I was helping him on a weekend project. He told me to get a tool for him.  When I came back, he told me when he’s working and I’m getting something for him, I should always run.  I remember calling him on it, and making a joke of it. In reality, he was serious. He would have been furious at my joke, but there were others present. 

That is quite a long way away from the passive aggressive method he uses now.

Thanks, all. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed the last few days. You always help me keep perspective.

[20yrsofcrazy]

(Same. This actually reminded me of something that happened many years ago, right after we were married. I was helping him on a weekend project. He told me to get a tool for him.  When I came back, he told me when he's working and I'm getting something for him, I should always run.  I remember calling him on it, and making a joke of it. In reality, he was serious. He would have been furious at my joke, but there were others present. )

I copied and pasted- don't know how else to quote. 

Stillirise,

Were we married to the same man????

Mine did/does this, too.  We (kids and i) should run, literally, if he needs a tool or supplies to continue a project. 

I used to chalk that up to him having worked with a very demanding boss in the construction business for many years but now I think it's more PD related.   

He would also say things like,  "what kind of crap is this?  I know I didn't do it like this."  Or any version of that if we had tried to help or fix something on our own.  It really dented my self-esteem for years,  but now that he's somewhat crippled by injuries over the years,  I fix things a lot --  my way.  He doesn't @#$% all over them like he used to, but his voice is still in my head.  I try to drown it out with my own, which sounds like this: "I don't need no stinkin' man!! I can do whatever I want/need."  Fortunately, I have done many projects over the years... some with my dad (who is much kinder and patient) so I CAN do most anything I need to.  YOU CAN TOO!!! 

[bloomie]

I've really been feeling the weight of dealing with all of this lately. I sometimes think I'm being overly sensitive.  These subtle things seem so minor, but they all add up to being exhausting. Maybe it's just a bad day, and maybe this should be in "working on us!"    Thanks, all.

This sounds like it could be gaslighting to me. Covertly creating an atmosphere of chaos and confusion around your perception of yourself with a calm, deceptively accommodating demeanor. You are questioning your reality. I don't think it is minor and it is exhausting and creates a great deal of angst and it all adds up to ambient abuse and a potential power play - a new strategy since the old ones are not working any longer when you are MC and GR.

If you know what is being portrayed is at the least condescending believe yourself and your perceptions and continuing using your GR and MC awesome skills!

[athene1399]

uPD M does this to me, but her underlying tone is that she doesn't expect me to do it becasue I am lazy (i don't know how else to describe the tone). Usually she said it more like "can you possibly...." but with that tone. And if I didn't drop what I am doing to do whatever, she's the one that would throw the fit. If I ever heard "If it's not too much too ask.." I think I would assume she already knew that it was and was setting me up for failure.

sis does this as well, but more asks for favors and gets mad if I can't do them. And if she argues with me over the favor and I get upset because she won't drop it, she blames everything on me, saying I am moody.

[Cascade]

Yes, I have experienced that from my PDh at times. It really flabbergasted me the first time he hinted or joked that I was the one that is so difficult to get along with.

[Honey_B]

My mother does this kind of gaslighting/manipulation very often 

If she is visiting and has to get something simple from the kitchen (e.g. a cup), she will give me this dazed and confused look and ask "a cup?". As if its the most complicated procedure I asked her to do. Then she will roam around in the kitchen opening ALL cupboards EXCEPT the one where she knows the cups are. There will be heavy sighing and noises. Then after 5 minutes she will return, claiming that she simply could not find a cup because my kitchen is just so confusing and complicated for her. Then I tell her the cups are on a shelf above the sink, very visible. But then she will say she does not want to get the cup anymore because apparently "she can never do anything right" and my "demands on her a too high". And if she doesn't get the right cup, I will probably "blow up and yell at her".

As if I am this mean create who treats her like a slave and yell at her all the time because I am so demanding. Need I say that this is EXACTLY they way she would behave if the situation was reversed??

[SeaBreeze]

I think it's projection as well as distraction, and yes maybe some chaos manufacture. Years ago, when I confronted uNPDh and told him I was sick of the kids and I walking on eggshells to prevent his rages, he immediately yelled "Oh yeah, we all have to do the same thing with you!" Meaning, for instance, if I asked him a simple question or did some innocuous act, and then he blew up at me, and I then got upset and told him not to treat me like that,...in his mind that was HIM having to walk on eggshells around ME, or I'd blow up at him. (Major projection and deflection on his part right there!)

[Stillirise]

...in his mind that was HIM having to walk on eggshells around ME, or I'd blow up at him. (Major projection and deflection on his part right there!)

I can very much relate.  I learned a long time ago never to throw a term like eggshells, narcissist, disordered, hypocritical, gaslighting, stonewalling, contemptuous, etc., out there, as it would automatically be what he saw wrong with me.  I once, during a circular conversation, said he was cold and insensitive. That became his favorite way to describe what my problem was for a long time.  Now, I really try not to give him ammo to take me down with.   I don't always succeed, but I'm working on it.

[GettingOOTF]

When my ex didn’t do things like clean up or get groceries like he said he would (while he was home and I was at work all day) he’d say “I didn’t want to do the wrong thing and make you angry”. It’s infuriating  to type that. That was him not bothering and then making it out to be my fault. And I used to feel bad for him and think “well I do get angry”. My therapist eventually explained that my anger at these things was perfectly valid and expected. It was so crazy-making.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Do you ever notice the PD in your life asking you for assistance in a way that indicates you require the eggshell treatment? As in, "If it's not too much trouble, would you mind to...? I'd really appreciate it."  Said in a way that indicates you might blow up any second.  This, for a task/favor that is basic, or you routinely do anyway.   Today, I happened to stare back blankly for several seconds about such a request, because it was early, and is something I already do nearly every day anyway.   I finally managed to reply that yes, that's what I normally do.  I was then criticized for "The look" I had, and seeming angry about his simple request.

Yes!!

I feel like this is a subtle form of chaos manufacture—to try and make me feel like I was being difficult, when he was just asking nicely for something.

Yes!!

if I asked him a simple question or did some innocuous act, and then he blew up at me, and I then got upset and told him not to treat me like that,...in his mind that was HIM having to walk on eggshells around ME, or I'd blow up at him.

Yes!!

I learned a long time ago never to throw a term like eggshells, narcissist, disordered, hypocritical, gaslighting, stonewalling, contemptuous, etc., out there, as it would automatically be what he saw wrong with me.  I once, during a circular conversation, said he was cold and insensitive. That became his favorite way to describe what my problem was for a long time.

Yes!!

he'd say "I didn't want to do the wrong thing and make you angry".

Yes!!

then she will say she does not want to get the cup anymore because apparently "she can never do anything right" and my "demands on her a too high". And if she doesn't get the right cup, I will probably "blow up and yell at her".
As if I am this mean create who treats her like a slave and yell at her all the time because I am so demanding. Need I say that this is EXACTLY they way she would behave if the situation was reversed??

Yes!!
I'm sorry others also live like this. Thank goodness for therapy and Medium Chill!!
He's started trying to sell this odd characterization to my kids, family and friends with statements like;
"I didn't / don't want to get s**t from BC / your mother / your daughter."
"Don't do that or we will catch h**l from your mom."
"You know how your mom / BC freaks out about s**t like that!"
It sure raises eyebrows.

[Poison Ivy]

Related, kind of:  My ex-husband seemed to think that if I did anything other than show him 100% support all the time for everything he did and didn't do, I was being mean.  He acted as though he had to walk on eggshells around me because me having any kind of negative reaction to anything (e.g., his long-term unemployment) was too much for him to bear.

[Whiteheron]

Oh my yes to all.

Towards the end, stbx would scream at me "I'm not about to walk on eggshells around you!!!" when I was holding him accountable for his bad behavior. I wasn't aware that asking to be treated with respect was too much.

[Stillirise]

And even with MC, it doesn't stop. It just gets less out of hand.  Classic example from this morning...I try not to do anything "out of the ordinary" before he leaves for work. However, today I got up early, to finish up something in my office.  He came in, stood over me, and began the 20 questions, of which only about 12 were related to what I was doing.  The others were random.  When I seemed distracted, and not really answering—because, working, and none of his business—he got bent around the axle.  He threw some verbal vomit at me, that wasn't even memorable, because it's typically the same, and finally left.  While there was no direct confrontation, it still left me feeling anxious and flustered afterward.  That's the part I still have to work on most.  The aftermath.

[pushit]

I remember literally being told in the early stages of our marriage that exPDw and her family "felt like they had to walk on eggshells around me".  I was so shocked by it at the time, and took it as a legitimate statement.  I felt bad about it but was confused, because I have never been the type of person to blow up at people.  Of course it worked, and I tried to be nicer to everyone after that, and probably got walked on even more.  That was long before I knew anything about PDs and projection.  I look back now and laugh about it, man what a sucker I was to fall for that!   

[SparkStillLit]

Poison Ivy yes with the "mean"!!! That self same thing!!!
All of you!!! I get all that same shizz!!! Favorite statement is "I could say the same about you" any time I try to hold accountable. And whizzing it all back at me. BARRRFFFF