The act in front of outsiders

[11JB68]

I can't stand that uocpdh puts on an act for outsiders. Contractor came by today to do an estimate to paint out house. H does this whole act around 'whatever you want' etc. Contractor thinks I'm so lucky to have this h who is like this, and tells h he's so smart to be like that... That's the secret to HIS long marriage etc. Makes me sick. This is not how our marriage is in general. He loves to tell people that I'm 'the boss' etc and it is so not true!

[SparkStillLit]

It does make you ill the way they gain people's approval with this BS, when the real truth is far, far different.
I always wonder about those other agree-ers, though. I want to talk to THEIR SO's.

[Poison Ivy]

In these types of situations, my ex is not quite the opposite but definitely different than your husband. Ex seems to have a deep inferiority complex or shame or something about hiring people to do work on or in the house or on vehicles, so he always has to show or tell such workers that he (ex) knows how to do the work or fix the thing. This also means that it was hard to persuade him to hire someone to do work or fix things, even if ex lacked the time or skill or desire to do the work.

[GettingOOTF]

If you met my BPDxH you would doubt every single word I've written here and feel sorry for him for having such a crazy wife.

Abusers cannot be abusive all the time and they know exactly who they can get away with abusing and who they can't.

[SparkStillLit]

Poison Ivy IF we ever had anyone here to do work (Never Ever), that would happen. Some extended family members have done things for us at my behest (SUCH a fuss that created, "why did you tell them, I was going to do that, why didn't you just wait, you always have to have your own way and have things done when YOU want them done, never when it's convenient for anyone else (LOL!!!!!)"
That is what happened to the family member. Dh had to help, to show that he coulda-woulda, if I had only waited. (Ten years? Till it broke/was catastrophic/whatever?)
These other shows he puts on are in public.

[Janeite V]

I can't stand that uocpdh puts on an act for outsiders. Contractor came by today to do an estimate to paint out house. H does this whole act around 'whatever you want' etc. Contractor thinks I'm so lucky to have this h who is like this, and tells h he's so smart to be like that... That's the secret to HIS long marriage etc. Makes me sick. This is not how our marriage is in general. He loves to tell people that I'm 'the boss' etc and it is so not true!

This always feels so icky and invalidating. I hope you are doing as well as can be expected and are holding on to your truth, even though it can be so difficult when others (intentionally or otherwise) act as a mouthpiece for the covert PD!

The covert PD knows that those on the periphery have only seen that ego-mask that they wear, while you have seen the ugly truth in excruciating detail. Maintaining that ego-mask is really hard work for them but they get a good source of supply vs. effort if they use it in short bursts.

The creepiest thing is how the ego-mask drops within seconds of the other person leaving 

[clara]

For my NPDexh, the "act" was never complete until he managed to get in a dig against me while doing it.  He was the great guy, agreeable and charming, and too bad my wife isn't more like me!    It was routinely along the lines of, good thing you're dealing with me and not her, she's...(fill in the blank).  So, I'd get the insult vague or overt, while he'd come across as Mr. Wonderful.  Usually it would happen so quickly or covertly I wouldn't have time or thought to respond, and even if I did I knew it would just encourage him to more BS so I would let it go, feeling helpless against him (feelings he worked hard to encourage).  I always hated dealing with third parties when he was around, would just rather do it myself or let him do it himself, than go through that humiliation one more time.  He didn't even need to do it, it would have nothing to do with the situation, but  was simply another opportunity to put me in "my place" that he couldn't pass up.  So naturally, he'd always have to include me in these transactions. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Insulting one’s wife does NOT make someone look like Mr. Wonderful. I think most healthy people would pick up on that quick.

I understand how crazy making it is. Why do they care what a contractor etc. think to the point of putting on this major act? It makes our version of events seem even harder to believe and if we let it lead to our doubting ourselves more.

[Free2Bme]

"If you met my BPDxH you would doubt every single word I've written here and feel sorry for him for having such a crazy wife.

Abusers cannot be abusive all the time and they know exactly who they can get away with abusing and who they can't."

GettingOOTF ~
This is my reality as well.  He is so charismatic and believable, & controls the narrative.  He reads the room, and knows how to enter in evidence with just the right inflection mixing in just the appropriate ratio of truth & lies to be very convincing.  He has cultivated this skill all of his life, I can't compete with that. 

This has been one of my biggest hurdles to overcome because I anticipate that I will not be believed.  So, I've become reluctant to talk about terrible things that happened (except for here).  There's nothing worse than going through  the trauma of not being believed but I end up feeling really defeated and isolated.   I really don't know how to overcome this. 

[GettingOOTF]

Free2Bme no one believed me. Not even my own friends and family. This was something I had to learn to accept in order to fully move on.

I am no longer in contact with any of “his” or “our” friends. I’ve moved on and my life is now full of people who love and support me. People who believe what I tell them.

I was very isolated and alone after I left. It takes time to build a supportive network and I feel strongly that we need to mourn and work on ourselves before hand to avoid attracting the same kinds of people.

It’s not easy and it is by nature lonely work but so worth it in the end.

Now I look at the situation more clearly I see that our friends all had “issues” too. There was something about them that let them to admire and want to be around such a clearly manipulative and abusive person. I was in my 20s when I met my ex. I’ve noticed that over the years his more stable and “healthy” friends have moved on.

Hang in there. I lost nothing by leaving and I’m gaining more every day.

[ToAudrey]

Been thinking about this post today. In a group text convo with uNPDH and other parents that are friends of my child and my goodness you'd think it was father of the year. The lies he tells! Meanwhile he routinely spends all day on the phone and ignores our child when not yelling at him or making negative comments.

[Lauren17]

I realize I'm pulling up an older thread, but my opportunities to post are sporadic and brief. This topic has stuck with me.
My uBPDh just loves the "My wife is The Boss!" trope. And he's so good at promotion it that for a long time I believed it. 
It's a perfect win-win for him on supply. If I'm silent, he gets the man-slap on the back and commiserating chuckle. If I speak up for myself then it just proves how I always have to be right.
My H is covert, very passive aggressive and wraps everything in a joke. People won't believe me either. But this forum helps me hold onto my truth.

[losingmyself]

Everything everyone has said here..
Poor, poor victimized baby by a big ol' meanie...

[Boat Babe]

Yes, they can turn their "good" side on and off in a nanosecond. Same with the abusive side. Depends entirely in the context and what they want to achieve.

This is clear evidence that they are choosing their behaviour. That is one of the scariest aspects of PDs. We do well to remember that they CHOOSE to abuse us.

Not this Boat Babe anymore!