How has it affected you?

[FreeSophia]

Just curious- how has living with a partner with a PD affected you? I have been in a long term relationship with someone with a PD (20 years) and I was looking up online to see what the affects would be on someone and I really didn't find a whole lot of concrete information. But then I realized I already knew how it has affected me because I have been living it.

I lived for years in isolation, having no friends and no relationship with my family
I existed in a constant state of grey rock and MC
I was depressed and sometimes suicidal
I didn't always parent how I normally would- sometimes I would have a hard time getting out of bed and putting on a happy face. Sometimes I was harsher than I would normally be because I didn't want her to upset her dad, I lived on a very rigid schedule with my daughter because that is a way to find some peace in some moments with him- if he knows this is my story time with her he won't throw such a fit that I'm not giving him attention, sometimes I would make her stay in her room because otherwise he would have a freak out and start saying hurtful things about her in front of her. Sometimes I would make her stay in her room because he was saying weird, paranoid, hurtful things about me and I didn't want her to think they were true. (She can see the truth more now that she is older. But when she was young she said that she did think that it was me that was the problem because she heard so much of what he said about me)
I struggled with making any decisions because his opinion was so much louder than mine
I hated myself for staying with him
I developed a fake personality because showing my true emotions would cause a problem. I would act like I was happy when I was not, I would act like I wanted to do things I did not want to do. I began to lose the ability to connect with what I was really feeling.

Those are the things that come to mind. I'm sure there are more.
How has it affected you??

[notrightinthehead]

You sound so sad, Sophia. Living with a person with PD affects every aspect of your life. And to get Out of the FOG takes hard work, determination, and courage. Strength you have. Otherwise you would not have endured 20 years living with a PD.
Have you studied the Toolbox?
Everybody on this forum is on their own journey out of the abuse such a relationship brings.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

The losing yourself and hushing or trying to keep your kids under control so that they wouldn't upset him rings soooo true with me.  I hate that I allowed myself to treat my kids more harshly because he thought they "deserved" to be punished.  Otherwise I was a bad and lenient mother.  They left the garage door open once and he demanded that I punish them in a way that they never forget because we can't have that kind of thing happen EVER again.  Looking back I can't imagine what I was thinking to go along with that.  I was so afraid to be called out for having kids that were thoughtless and inconsiderate.  And it would be my fault for them being that way. 

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you can start to find yourself again.  It's not easy and it's a very slow process.  But I think for me the first part is forgiveness.  For allowing myself to be treated this way.