MIL set me a card

[Adria]

MIL sent me a birthday card.  It was one of those ugly old lady cards. The way it read was like she was trying to put me on the same level as herself.  She is 90 years old and mean and crotchety.  After reading it, I promptly threw it in the trash. Dh saw it in the trash and said, he would have thrown it in the trash too.

I have been over the top nice to this woman.  Paid for redecorating her house after FIL died, so she had a change of scenery. Buy her pretty clothes because she won't spend the money.  Send her beautiful birthday presents, etc. Take her into my home for a couple weeks in the winter.  I know who she is. I still have been kind to her because I don't have my own mother to be kind to.   I've cooled off this last year, as I got tired of her antics. Seeming to be ramping up.  So, from here on out, I'm probably going to go VVLC.

Dh called her Sunday as usual to check in.  She asked dh if I received the card.
Dh said, "Yes."
MIL, said, "I thought it was funny."
Dh said, "We weren't sure how to take it."
MIL said, "I thought it was so funny, I about fell out of my scooter in the store."
Dh said, "Didn't read funny here." 
End of conversation. 

Of all the smarmy things she's said and done over the years, I've been able to bounce back and overlook most of it.  This card . . . not so much.  Maybe it was one too many, but I'm done. Just done. 

[Pepin]

Yeah....it sounds like the card really was a reflection of her.  How sad. 

Wow, your DH though....he agrees that the card was not a hit -- the fact that he agrees with you is a plus.  However, if it were me, I'd probably have destroyed the card in some other fashion like running it through the paper shredder or lighting it on fire.  Yeah!   

Sounds like your MIL hasn't cared about anything you have done to help her move forward with being a widow.  Well, that is on her honestly.  She doesn't want to embrace this new chapter in her life, so let her be who she is.  No one can change her.  My MIL is exactly the same.  I went out of my way and so did DH to include her in more things and help her through her grief.  It backfired huge.  She translated it to mean that she would become helpless and that she didn't need to do anything anymore.  Uh, NOPE!  I dropped the rope after I realized I was being played like a deck of cards and because PDmil was sinking her waify claws into DH.  Sadly, they are a bit enmeshed at the moment.   

Like you, I have been motherless for a VERY long time, since I was a little girl.  I cannot believe how naive I was to think that somehow I would be accepted into the fold of DH's family.  UGH, NO.  Me being a doormat was a big mistake.  My pleasing behavior caused PDmil to inch closer to DH and push me out of the way!  Sick.

Every day I wake up and thank whatever higher being that I am not like PDmil and how sad it is to be her.  What a horrible existence, really.  Depressing.  Gross.  Unfulfilling.  Cheap.  But hey, that's what she chose for herself.  PDs are trapped in their little world not really knowing who they truly are....because they don't want to.

Move forward and live your life for you and be with your husband.  Let him deal with his mother while you become nice and bland.   

[Adria]

Pepin,

Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, dh kind of surprised me on this one.  Nice change.

However, if it were me, I'd probably have destroyed the card in some other fashion like running it through the paper shredder or lighting it on fire.  Yeah!   

Thanks for the good laugh LOL. I needed that this week!

Like you, I have been motherless for a VERY long time, since I was a little girl.  I cannot believe how naive I was to think that somehow I would be accepted into the fold of DH's family.  UGH, NO.  Me being a doormat was a big mistake.  My pleasing behavior caused PDmil to inch closer to DH and push me out of the way!  Sick.

I'm sorry you have been motherless as well.  It leaves a huge void that, I think in a lot of ways, we subconsciously try to fill.  Yes, very naive to think that we would be accepted into our in-laws fold.  It's hard feeling like we don't belong anywhere.  MIL kept dh's and his first wife's wedding picture on the wall for a full year after we married. Dh said his mom couldn't stand her, so completely for my benefit. Also, would only introduce dh as her son and leave me standing by myself.  At 90 years old, I hope she is happy with who she is. I'd hate to go out like that, always thinking you got one over on someone.  I think she takes pride in it.  Yuck!

I'm getting good at being nice and bland.

[bloomie]

Adria - a belated happy birthday to you!

Isn't it something that we reach a saturation point on the disregard and are done each in our own time and way? For you, this not funny card that did not celebrate you and your life in spite of your beauty of spirit and generosity toward your mil was it. I soooo get that.

May the freedom that comes from reaching the 'had enough' spot and shifting from continuing to invest in someone who cannot, or does not, love us to investing in reliable and loving people, bring you much joy in the coming months! And bravo for your DH!

[Adria]

Thank you for the happy birthday Bloomie.  Your emojis made me laugh

Yes, the saturation point.  I had a really bad ex. You name it he did it ten times.  My breaking point after a looong decade of his abuses was he didn't come home in time for a chicken dinner.  Yup!  Of all the terrible things he did, it was the chicken dinner LOL!

Looking forward to the freedom. Been a trying few months, but maybe it was all to push me forward and move on.  We're gettin there girlfriend.