"My" Grandkids

[WinterStar]

I just received a large envelope from my Ndad addressed to "My Grandkids", and it's really triggering me. I'm so very angry with him. My oldest daughter was two the last time he saw her. She's now 11. He's never met either of my other two daughters. I don't pass on anything he sends them. The only contact I choose is to send him a Christmas gift each year, which is sent from me alone, not my husband and not my daughters. I know that this is straight out of the PD playbook, but I'm still shocked that he feels some kind of ownership of them.

This man was a horrible father whose main message to me when I was growing up was that I was stupid. Nine years ago he plead guilty and went to prison for downloading, viewing and sharing child pornography videos. He takes no responsibility for that and says it was the fault of the investigating officer, arresting officer, judge, prosecutor and his own lawyer and that they were just making an example of him. I haven't seen or talked to him since. I sent a letter letting him know that I wouldn't plan a visit with him unless he got help. His response, predictably, was that he doesn't need help.

Around that time he sent my FM brother over with the message that "Dad feels like you're keeping his grandkids away from him." The fact that my dad thinks that way is just proof that he's an idiot. I think it's pretty common for parents to not allow sex offenders access to their children. What really hurt was that my brother would deliver that kind of message to me and not see anything wrong with it, instead indicating that he agreed with it. My brother allows his three children to interact with my dad, including having my dad stay over in their home. Why SIL allows this, I cannot understand (she's always disliked my dad and shouldn't fall for his crappy excuses). My brother tells me he can't understand why I don't interact with dad because "he's our dad."

Sometime last year my dad sent "Thing One", "Thing Two" and "Thing Three" shirts. I hate the Cat in the Hat. I hate Thing One and Thing Two. I hate the idea that my kids are "things". I know some normal people think these shirts are cute, but it just felt like an extension of my father viewing other people as objects. I threw the shirts out, and then my brother FMed me again and said dad wanted a picture of the girls wearing the shirts. I've never sent my dad a picture of my kids ever. They don't even get mentioned when I send him the Christmas gift. What in the world would make him think I would send him a picture?

I used to feel hurt that my dad wouldn't put any effort into getting better even for the sake of seeing my children. Now I mostly just feel glad that he got caught and went to prison. But for that, my kids would have had sporadic interaction with him, and it may have taken me a very long time to figure out that he was toxic enough that I should make sure my kids were NC with him. He made the decision super easy in a way that I never second guess it (which is unusual for me). Thank God for that!

[all4peace]

WinterStar, this sounds really difficult. Please feel validated in how you're setting boundaries with your father in protection of your children. I'm sorry that your brother feels the need to be a spokesperson for your father. Are you ok with this?

[Pepin]

Hmm...that certainly sounds triggering to me.  My father has played a similar card when in all honesty, he doesn't deserve nor has he earned the name "grandpa".  EARNED.  That is a word I think about a lot.  How it is that the birth of a child means that they automatically get to call themself grandpa falls deaf with me.  NOPE. 

If it were me, I would check the envelope real quick for cash and if none, toss it, light it on fire, donate it, etc.  But, I would document first what it was so that you start a paper trail.  A quick couple of pictures with the date should suffice and then file that in a folder online that won't be in your way.

As for your brother, I would seriously start thinking about your relationship with him.  He is playing you hard by being the middle guy between you and your father.  Quite frankly, any communication between you and your father, should be ONLY between you and your father.  Your brother needs to remove himself.  You can kindly tell him this by saying that your relationship with your dad is none of his business.  If your brother wants to have a relationship with you and your family, then he needs to respect your wish not to have your father mentioned in your presence.  If he does, then you initiate consequences, i.e. hang up the phone, leave, change subject, etc.

I'm guessing your bother is a GC in addition to being a FM? 

Be as bland as possible about everything.  Share nothing.

Also, you are not stupid.  Believe me, I grew up with hearing that, too.  It is a hard word to shake when we hear it from someone that is supposed to love us and care for us.  You are SMART for bettering yourself and for providing a better life for your kids than what was provided to you.     Any anyone that deals with their past trauma gets an A+ in my book.  That's growth.   

[Pepin]

I also wanted to add that I adore Kris Godinez.  I listen to her "We Need to Talk" podcasts on YouTube.  Love that woman!  She has given me a backbone.  I think she would be highly beneficial for you. 

[WinterStar]

I'm sorry that your brother feels the need to be a spokesperson for your father. Are you ok with this?

Absolutely not okay with this. The initial FM incident was about nine years ago before I knew what a FM was. At the time, I allowed my brother to talk about my dad with the hope that he would see how harmful and ridiculous my dad is. Once it was clear that my brother had succumbed entirely to my father's brainwashing, I stopped responding to his comments about my dad and changed the subject.

My brother has taken to complaining about my dad to me, which is a funny thing. He wants me to have a relationship with my dad, but all he ever communicates are negative interactions. Apparently, my dad teased my niece until she cried, which sounds like par for the course. And my dad has been posting offensive crap on Facebook, which also sounds right to me. My brother is shocked and sent me an email saying that he's never really understood why I cut dad out of my life, but he's now concerned because of the posts. I responded by saying that my brother has inadvertently adopted my father's narrative, that I didn't cut dad out of my life, that I tried to address concerns with my dad and dad refused to address them. I'm not going to say it again, but it felt good to clearly state that. My brother just ignored it.

I've decided that the next time my brother brings up some kind of difficulty with my dad, I'm going to say that it sounds like an issue between him and dad, that he would need to address with dad and that I have nothing to offer since it doesn't involve me.

Triangulation is the main way we have always communicated as a family (mom, dad, brother, me) with me being the main hearer of grievances. I'm the only one with any empathy. I accepted that role for a very long time. It's a recent development that I understand how harmful that is for me. I've come up with the above response and am just waiting for my mom and my brother to activate it.

[WinterStar]

Pepin, I love what you said about earning that role as a grandparent and couldn't agree with you more. My dad's live in girlfriend, who I've never met signs my kids' birthday cards with Grandma followed by her first name. Really? So weird. Guess what? The kids never see those cards or her and my dad hasn't even earned the right to be grandpa, so...

How did you figure out that my brother is the GC? Lol. I got to be the GC while my dad was in prison. My brother vowed to never speak to my dad again, and I kept in contact with my dad on the off chance that he used this experience as a wake up call. I knew he was receiving counseling and, though I always knew it was a long shot, I wanted to be there in that unlikely event. I also felt safer communicating with him while he was in prison than I had when he was not confined, and I had a sense that I was saying goodbye to him. Being the GC for just a little while was fantastic; I'd never had my dad's approval in my life. I liked it, but it wasn't going to change how I viewed the situation. I read all the court documents so that I would know what the truth was, addressed the issue before his release and quickly fell out of favor. Ah well, I think being the scapegoat helped me Out of the FOG, and I'm grateful for that.

Thanks too for the affirmation that I'm not stupid. I always intellectually knew he was wrong about that, not sure how. But on an emotional level it really screwed me up. I've come a long way on that front, though I still fall back into it when I make what I deem to be a very stupid mistake.