Went NC in July, Got a “We Miss You” email today (first post)

[spiralout]

Hi,

This is my first post on this site so please forgive me if I'm violating any terms of service with this post. 

I'm a wreck right now because, out of nowhere, I got an email from my eDad after going NC since last July.

The tone of the email was ostensibly loving.  It was the standard "we miss you" email, but it was completely obvious that he was on another flying monkey mission. 

Since going NC with them, I'm finally able to live without drugs for the first time in my life.  I'd been dealing with addiction issues in one form or another for over 15 years, but have been clean since going NC with them summer.  I've gotten into therapy, read about NPD, covert incest and gaslighting.  I've also joined /r/raisedbynarcissists, which has been indispensable. 

Learning about the NPD family dynamic and what it has done to me has brought me a tremendous amount of freedom, but it's also brought out intense, burning rage about the gaslighting.  I'm addressing this in therapy, and it seems like fleas.  I hate carrying this anger around, but forgiveness is *out of the question* at this point for me.  The gaslighting that occurs with them is too egregious to even consider that.

Anyway, I responded to his email with straight up venom, basically telling him to fuck off.  I can't even say I'm technically NC anymore, goddamn it.  I feel really guilty for responding, because I know that he's just a flying monkey on a mission. 

I'll never get validation from either of them.  At its core, if I'm honest, that's why I even responded to him.  Even though I completely pushed him away, deep down I'm hoping he'll give me the validation I'm so desperately seeking.  I keep forgetting that that's never coming.

To anyone brave/bored enough to read this whole thing: thank you!  Again, apologies if I've violated any local customs.

[Andeza]

Welcome! So sorry you're going though this nonsense, that you didn't get normal loving parents. We get it.

Congratulations for being clean, that's a major accomplishment! I'm so happy for you!

Sometimes we receive these out of the blue communications, and everyone handles them differently. As you're carrying this anger with you, it isn't really surprising that you responded in the way you did. Don't feel bad about it, you haven't failed or anything like that. It's not like a school test where you could score badly. It's okay.

What's done is done, no need to regret your actions, merely decide from this point what you want do going forward. If you believe that no contact is your best course of action, then by all means simply resume. Block phone numbers, social media, email addresses. Go block happy! Shred any mail if you like too! It's a bit cathartic actually.

Personally, I understand why my uBPDm is screwed up, and proceeded to try to screw me up too... but that doesn't mean I have any desire to reconcile with her or have a relationship with her if she's just going to keep on being... well, untreated BPD. Your anger is understandable, based solely on the hints that you've dropped here. Anger can be a part of the grieving process. Grieving can be a necessary part of letting go of our expectations and wishes for the love, care, validation, and all other normal parental things that we don't get from disordered parents.

If you need to talk more, we're here to help you on your journey, welcome to the community.

[SunnyMeadow]

Hi spiralout!

Glad you're here with us. When I read that you're clean since you went NC I went Wow!, out loud.  That's a strong testament for going NC.

So many people say not to respond to the fishing emails from them, but I'd be just like you. Filled with anger that they are pushing their way into my life again. Sometimes the fuck off reply is the only way I could handle it.  Your dad has your answer and there is no mistaking how you feel now. Doesn't mean he won't try again sadly. My uPDmom has been NC with my sibling for over twenty years and she still sends shitty, seething emails and letters to my sibling. Truly ridiculous.

I'm glad that you were strong enough to go NC. I'm proud and impressed with you for staying clean and being so strong. Please keep posting, you have a lot of good stuff to share.

[moglow]

Hey Spiralout - welcome to Out of the FOG! Please don't get yourself caught up in the semantics of contact/no contact. You do what's best for and keeps you sane - you dont have to explain that to anyone. The parents may push back for explanation or try and provide justifications, but that's not your stuff.

I'm glad you're recognizing and looking for ways to manage the anger. So many of us internalize it, turn to various unhealthy coping mechanisms, or bite it back then explode when triggered the wrong way. It happens, and maybe giving yours an "earful" was overdue. You want to be left alone and have every right to see to it that happens.

As for forgiveness, that's *yours* to find in your own time and in your own way. For me, forgiving myself took precedence. I took on and caused damage to myself for WAY too many years. My mother's not interested in forgiveness because she's perfect in every way and above such things. Just ask her. I decided to let go of that idea where she's concerned and just do what's best and I can hold myself accountable for. Leveled that internal playing field, so to speak.

Glad to have you with us - hope we can all help each other along the way!

[Sweetbriar]

Hi spiralout, I just want to jump in and tell you that I too, whispered wow reading your post. It confirmed something that I hope and have faith in, that the backing away from toxicity will reduced my symptoms. Since I'm really new to NC, I don't know how it affects the nervous system, in terms of healing, but I feel much more at peace and I am having fewer days in bed (from nervous overload) having my FOO out of my life.

That's amazing that you ended your addictions and for sure a testament to why this is so important. Someone needs to research this and write a book, on how NC heals and what that looks like. Your post gives me a great and hopeful feeling.

So you told him to f*ck off.  I'm sorry you're feeling conflicted about it, but it's just being human. It must also be a good sign of the strength of your boundaries. I sense a victory feeling in it and I think that when I get to that point where I could imagine telling them to eff off, I'd be a little proud of myself. I haven't been bad a$$ enough.

But if you want no drama from it, don't be afraid to block.

And just keep doing what you're doing. Thanks for posting. It's a great, affirming post to me.

[spiralout]

Thank you all for your replies!  The support here is so heartwarming. 

Another testament to the power of going NC is that I've lost 70lbs as well.

One day after engaging with my eDad over email, I'm glad I did it.  It shows me that they're still stuck in the same, toxic dynamic.  We're just on completely different pages. 

I asked him to give me some space, that I didn't want to resume contact since I'm doing so well.  He replied, asking me if I'd consider having him and my nMom join me in therapy.  It was that request that made me see that they're not concerned at all with my feelings or desires.  Rather than giving me the space I asked for (and deserve!), he asked to invade my safe space. 

I say "he" asked me, but I know he's just a frontman for the dictator: my nMom.  He's the most obvious flying monkey in the world.

I'm so glad I got a glimpse into how they're still living.  It's sad.  They're both lonely and miserable.  I have to keep reminding g myself that that's not my problem.  It's not my responsibility to take care of my nMom's emotional health.

Thank you all so much!

[spiralout]

Hi spiralout, I just want to jump in and tell you that I too, whispered wow reading your post. It confirmed something that I hope and have faith in, that the backing away from toxicity will reduced my symptoms. Since I'm really new to NC, I don't know how it affects the nervous system, in terms of healing, but I feel much more at peace and I am having fewer days in bed (from nervous overload) having my FOO out of my life.

This is something I'm just finding out about now, the physical effects of trauma and how trauma gets stored in the vagus nerve. 

I'm also learning about adrenal fatigue, and what you mentioned above about laying in bed for days is very familiar to me.  It makes sense now why I get tired before everyone else: my adrenal glands are on overload and I'm hypervigilant.

Do you guys have any strategies for dealing with constant fatigue?  Will it get better with time?

[all4peace]

Welcome and congratulations! Tou have so much to be proud of yourself for!

As to your last question,  lots of tender self care in whatever shape and form.is.best suited to you. It can become a getting-to-know-yourself process!

[Fortuna]

Sorry you had to deal with the hoover tactic that is the 'but we love you' email. It's OK sometimes NC isn't successful at first. It's to give us space to figure out what we are willing to deal with, and how we need to protect ourselves. Don't beat yourself up over responding, sometimes you have to take it one day at a time. When I went NC I didn't realize that blocking a call only sent it to voicemail so I ended up listening to my mom's response to NC. I think a part of me wanted that action of going NC to be something that finally broke through, that finally would make her realize the damage she was doing and she would want to try to change. Like you I was still hoping for some kind of validation. What I got was more of the same. I was able to not respond because it was more of the same and it shattered all hope for change from her.  Use this as an opportunity to learn that NC was the right choice for you and do everything you can to prevent things coming to you. You can either block email or at least shuttle it to a separate folder you never have to see if you don't feel like taking a look at it. Block everything you can for your own peace of mind.

As far as physical symptoms, rest when you can, try meditation or yoga or tai-chi, something that  can engage the body and relax the mind, take a walk in the sunshine, make sure to take care of eating well (leafy green veggies are your friend for energy and comfort foods are the same for your soul). This is a recovery period, don't expect to have boundless energy yet, it's being used to process the trauma.

[moglow]

I'm also learning about adrenal fatigue, and what you mentioned above about laying in bed for days is very familiar to me.  It makes sense now why I get tired before everyone else: my adrenal glands are on overload and I'm hypervigilant.

Do you guys have any strategies for dealing with constant fatigue?  Will it get better with time?

I struggle with fatigue as well, sometimes worse than others. Even waking from several hours sleep when my body allows it, sometimes I don't feel rested at all.  It's a roller coaster for me. Honestly I think I'm better when I have less contact with mommie dearest - the ruminations stop [or at least back off] and my mind has time to relax and regroup. I found a CBD supplement that seems to help shut the inner voices down to a dull roar, so that's at least a step. I'll take what I can get!

More than anything I think it's important to listen to your body and do what you can to accommodate. We can't always shut down like we want, but maybe you can find places to cut back and just say No when you know you're not up for anything extra.