Was my boyfriend a narcissist?

[N10ENE03]

I've recently just taken the move to end my relationship, even though it was one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make as we have a 10 month old baby together and a house we jointly own.

So this is my story:
We met mid December 2017 online. After about a week we had our first date which was a lot of fun.

On Christmas Eve we bought each other some little gifts which we shared. He then asked if I would go on holiday to Thailand with him. It had all been paid for and was booked with another girl he had been dating but they broke up. He said he would pay to change the holiday to my name, so I went and again we had a lot of fun.

After returning we met once or twice and he started behaving oddly and not so chatty on messages. He claimed his uncle had a heart attack and was very unwell. So I offered my sympathy. The strange behaviour continued and after around 10 days I hadn't seen him, so I sent him a message saying Thailand was fun but maybe he needs to have time sorting his stuff. His response was ok. I remember thinking it was odd considering and I left it there. I had a feeling there was more to it which was why I didn't engage anymore.

Two days later he made contact asking if he would ever see me again. I questioned what was going on and he said it was stuff regarding his uncle again. We then agreed to meet and again had a lot of fun and things seemed to be back on track. We would meet once or twice a week. He took me to a spa hotel for valentines and I booked us a weekend trip to Sardinia for valentines. I prefer giving experiences as gifts than anything else. Time is the most valuable thing I think anyone can give. Plus he had paid for Thailand and I wanted to return that experience.

He then told me he was going fishing for a week, which he claimed was booked for sometime. I bought him some sweets and fishing magazines and told him to have fun. During that week the co ta t was limited to a certain time of day as he claimed he was in the middle of France and needed to walk to a house to get reception.  He returned home a day early and was keen to meet in the next few days. From here things progressed quickly. The following week I met his three daughters and we all went away together for the weekend.  Things seemed to be going very well. In April I lost my pet dog and he was very supportive. From then we spent a lot more time together and the relationship moved very quickly.

We went to Sardinia and had an amazing time. It was then his birthday and I booked for us to go to Spain to a red wine fight. Again it was a lot of fun.

When we got home from Spain I had a lot of problems with my elderly neighbours. One sadly passed away and I had been looking after them for several years as they didn't have family. I felt exhausted and emotional and couldn't understand why as I work in social care so deal with these things a lot. I put it down to finding the elderly man dead. I ended up having a melt down when my car tyre burst and I went to a SPA hotel for the weekend whilst he remained at my house as he had just moved in. I invited my best friend to the hotel as she was about to start chemo the following week for stage 4 breast cancer. So this added to my stress.

I returned home and my friend suggested I do a pregnancy test as I was due my period four days ago. The test was positive. I cried as I never planned children as my parents wasn't the best and I felt I had no one to rely on apart from my sister who loves 5 hours away. I poured my heart out to my bf and explained I felt I couldn't do it as I don't have the best support around me other than friends who have their own stuff going on. He convinced me to have the baby. To which I am thankful he did now, but here's where the love story came to it's downward spiral end.

At 4 months pregnant he took me to Majorca for my birthday. He had bought me a holiday to go on safari like I'd always wanted but as I was pregnant we had to cancel it. In Majorca he made comments like 'do you think we will ever have a fun holiday like Thailand again', I took it personally as I felt he thought I wasn't fun anymore because I was restricted from being pregnant. He accused me of lying when I questioned it and said I was confused which I knew I wasn't. I was quite upset.

He then started making comments about my family history and not having contact with my parents. I started to think I didn't know this guy at all and that night I sat on the sofa and ended up looking through his social media, which I'd never done before. I found out he had lied about his ex girlfriend. He told me she was 24 but she was in fact 22 at the time I looked. Meaning she was just 19 when he met her. He was 40 at the time they met. I questioned him on it and he got angry. I suggested I ask her if what he had told me of her was true as there was some extravagant stories about her being a psychopath. He then confessed he hadn't been on the fishing trip he had been in Barbados with this very ex. I was shocked. I was so upset I left and got a flight home. The week before that holiday I had a scan and told everyone I was pregnant. Now I felt so alone.

He returned home a few days later but went to stay with his sister. When he came back to the house he claimed his sister told him he should just be single. It felt so hurtful.

I decided to try and put things behind me and offer him the chance as he assured me it had been a mistake and he came back from Barbados early as he realised it was me he wanted.
I asked what about the photos he was sending me during the trip. He said he had set up his fishing tent a few nights before in his flat, to set up the photos for me. It felt so deceitful.

We tried for months. I had a terrible pregnancy plagued by anxiety. Then our boy came along and it seemed to take everything away.

After my boy was born, I noticed he had been messaging a girl at work. He deleted the messages they exchanged. I asked why he deleted her messages and not anyone else's from work. Including other females. He is the company director. He said because I'd get jealous as he had sent her baby photos. I told him that was crazy. I felt something wasn't right.

There was other lies about where he was. He said he was at work when really he was at parents evening. He would blame the ex wife for ruining our plans as she sprung the kids on us. So I met her to talk about helping one another so this sort of stuff didn't keep ruining our plans. She was nice and wanted to work with me not to affect both mine and my little ones lives.

I've never been one to check my bf phone. But something told me to last week. He has a work group chat on WhatsApp and there had been all sorts of conversations between them all. Some where only he would respond to the woman he deleted messages from. She called him a predator, she suggested dressing up for a work meeting, to which he was the only one to reply. At this point I felt enough was enough. So I ended things.

I'm left feeling confused as to why someone would do all of these things. I ask myself why was he with me when it really looks like he never wanted to be with me. I'd have to ask for his time and when I did I'd be blamed for affecting his work. We moved to a house far from our friends/family. So I'm isolated unless I go to baby groups. Which he knew would happen but assured me he wouldn't allow it.

When I questioned him and things became heated he would call me a narcissist. It shocked me and triggered me to read up on it through fear I was who he said I was. When I did I was reading stuff that felt more like him. It's been so emotionally draining and I've been so tearful with it all.

I was hoping for some advice from others about their experiences and whether you think I'm dealing with a narcissist? Any advice would be amazing. Thank you x

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group-

i'm so sorry you had to go through all of that in a short time- like from being on a pedestal to the doormat in the snap of a finger.  we can't say if your ex is a narcissist for sure, no one here is a doctor- however we can give you tools and resources to cope with his ever changing behavior as you are connected to him by a child-  in whatever level of contact you continue to have with him.  i can say for certain i went through a lot of the name shennanigans with my ex and he kept on doing it after we broke up, just with different people than me......so in that respect his history and past actions that keep repeating may answer your question about if he's uNPD or not.

some good places to start posting would be separating/ divorcing and the co-parenting boards.

Separating and Divorcing
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships


another good resource for information is the toolbox- Toolbox 
  you may find a lot of your answers as to why he does what he does there.

wishing you and your baby boy nothing but the best on this fresh start for the both of you- hope to see you on the boards soon.