MIL keeps calling about birthday

[Adria]

I wrote on the forum about MIL sending me an awful birthday that she told dh she thought was hilarious.  Well, now she keeps calling leaving sweet messages telling me happy birthday, and can I call her if I get a minute.  I don't want to call her back.  Ugh!!! What should I do?  Just ignore the calls?  She hasn't called me in a year.  She's busted and she knows it, and I don't feel like dealing with her. If they want to be nasty, then so be it, but why do they think they can have it both ways?

[candy]

I'd say: ignore it! You don't have a minute, it's been your damn birthday which is about you and your time and you get to decide what to do with your time. Calling someone you don't want to speak to shall not be on your birthday list.

To me it is a strange request asking you to call her back on your birthday.

I usually don't answer calls on my actual birthday. The only ones I do answer sometimes are the ones from my inner circle of close friends and family, and I only do it if it's convenient for me. The people I am close to are sympathetic about my habit.
In a nutshell there exist people like me who don't answer birthday calls and the world, and their friends, are fine with it.

I wish you a pleasant day today, Adria! Happy birthday, or happy belated birthday, to you!!!

[Adria]

Thank you Candy,

you get to decide what to do with your time. Calling someone you don't want to speak to shall not be on your birthday list.

I actually went out with dh  today, so didn't have time to call her.  I think the only reason she asked me to call her back is because she knows she sent me a horrible birthday card and wanted to see if I would talk to her. Normally, I would call, but I'm not going to.  I get tired of always being the bigger one, so she gets to sit with this one for a change.

Geez, my ex-MIL sent me the most kind loving birthday card ever. She even called and told me how glad she was that I was born. There's two ends of the spectrum.

Thank you for the Happy Birthday. It was!  I like your little dancing guys.

[bloomie]

I don't want to call her back....she gets to sit with this one for a change....

There it is. Your wise answer to yourself to drop the curtain on the latest mil attempts to try and stir up drama and hog the spotlight on your special day and not letting that O in FOG trip you up.

Sounds like a lovely time with your DH celebrating!

[Adria]

Bloomie,

Thank you. I'm learning to sit back and listen to my thoughts instead of always trying to do the "right" thing that would make everyone else more comfortable.

And yes, the O in the FOG. A big one. Can get ya every time.

You know what made me giggle.  I had dh read the beautiful heart warming card from ex MIL. He said, "You should send this to my mom."  Wouldn't that be fun? LOL

[treesgrowslowly]

My narc parent would do things like this so that she could say "well I called her and asked her to call me back and she didn't". It became a story where she was the victim. A story as much as goldilocks is a story. A fictional account they create for sympathy.

"I tried to help you with x but you didn't tell me what day it was" and other such variations on "I'm just a typical person doing a common thing everyone does but I'm just treated so poorly by people I buy birthday cards for".

It was an attempt at sympathy they might relay thus story to their mate or just a cashier at the store but theyve got a story now they can use to try to get people's attention in a way that they want. Manipulative. Its all a manipulation because this is what NPDs do they are manipulative.

I totally agree with candy - it is a manipulation to ask you to do something for her on your birthday. I'be been there so many times. Narcissistic people love birthdays. They take advantage of our desire to keep the peace on birthdays and holidays and therefore act out even more so on other people's birthdays and on family holiday events because they've had success with getting away with manipulations on those days.

NPDs can be so good at stories such as "I did x arn't I a good person" and "I tried to do x but you didnt call me back / let me / help me". Most stories are either about how they are a good person or they are a victim. None of these stories are even near complete and only people in the fog themselves or who are just listening to be polite, will buy into this story they are selling.

I'm glad you saw it for what it was and had yourself a good birthday.

[Adria]

Treesgrowslowlsy,

My narc parent would do things like this so that she could say "well I called her and asked her to call me back and she didn't". It became a story where she was the victim. A story as much as goldilocks is a story. A fictional account they create for sympathy.

You got it!  Dh called her for his Sunday night phone call to check in. And she told him that she called me on my birthday, but I didn't return her call. Wah . . . Wah.  I said to dh that I wasn't trying to be bad, I'm just sick of the disrespect and games, so not dealing with it anymore.  He said, he didn't blame me. 

It's funny because just before my birthday, she sent all grandkids a check for $100. Even my kids which she has made clear are not her grandkids.  Although she tries to triangulate them with me.  I got the ugly card.  Don't get me wrong, I don't care or expect anything from her, it's just the timing of it all.

[p123]

Deffo playing a game here. I'd ignore - she'll get bored.....

Dad did it with my wife this year. He'd been awful to her last year yet he moaned at me that she hadn't made a special effort to call him on his birthday. She NEVER done that ever, I've NEVER made a special effort to call my MIL either so I don't know what was in his head.

Like you, it was probably, both to see if you were still talking to her, and asset a bit of authority to make you do something, and play the victim.

Dad did this. Moaned a few times. I ignored him. Even went as far as to say to me "Its OK I know its not your fault". Obviously, implying that I'm stuck in the middle and my wife is horrible to him. Took all my power to let that one go!

Fair play to your DH though. Shes trying to get him onside and it looks like its failed. I guess he knows what shes like then....
In my case, he didn't say anything directly to my wife, and I didn't pass the message on. WW3 would have started after how hes behaved last year or so!

[Adria]

p123,

Even went as far as to say to me "Its OK I know its not your fault". Obviously, implying that I'm stuck in the middle and my wife is horrible to him. Took all my power to let that one go!

" I know it's not your fault."  Ooooh!!!  Good one!

Must be a thing.  MIL no longer needs me to take care of her when she comes to visit in the south for the winter because she is housebound up north now.  Maybe she just has nothing better to do, than to play more games.

Thank you for posting.  It helped put things into perspective as I hate thinking like this, but after years of dealing with this woman, what else can you think? I suppose since I know she won't becoming to visit anymore, I don't have to care as much either. Kind of a relief.

[NumbLotus]

Good for you for not calling back.

I am TERRIFIED of not calling my MIL back, lol.

[p123]

p123,

Even went as far as to say to me "Its OK I know its not your fault". Obviously, implying that I'm stuck in the middle and my wife is horrible to him. Took all my power to let that one go!

" I know it's not your fault."  Ooooh!!!  Good one!

Must be a thing.  MIL no longer needs me to take care of her when she comes to visit in the south for the winter because she is housebound up north now.  Maybe she just has nothing better to do, than to play more games.

Thank you for posting.  It helped put things into perspective as I hate thinking like this, but after years of dealing with this woman, what else can you think? I suppose since I know she won't becoming to visit anymore, I don't have to care as much either. Kind of a relief.

Thing is your husb sounds like hes ok. My wife had hell with my Dad - he was awful to her. Now she wants nothing to do with him.

Why should she? Hes my Dad not hers. I FULLY support her in this. If she wants nothing to do with him then its up to her. He deserves this. Shes fine with me still seeing him - she realises its not so easy to cut contact with a parent.

But an in-law? Nah easy. Hope your husb allows you this understanding too.....

My Dad moaned the other day he hadn't seen or heard from my wife for almost a year. I thought "dont hold your breath will you?"

[Adria]

NumbLotus,

LOL!

[Adria]

P123,

My Dad moaned the other day he hadn't seen or heard from my wife for almost a year. I thought "dont hold your breath will you?"

Yup, I think that's what it's coming to.  It's too bad that it has to be like this. I was a really good daughter-in-law as I'm sure your wife was too.  I'm glad you stick up for her.  My husband has been coming around lately. About time.

[p123]

P123,

My Dad moaned the other day he hadn't seen or heard from my wife for almost a year. I thought "dont hold your breath will you?"

Yup, I think that's what it's coming to.  It's too bad that it has to be like this. I was a really good daughter-in-law as I'm sure your wife was too.  I'm glad you stick up for her.  My husband has been coming around lately. About time.

Yes she was really good to him.... In the end, his selfishness and general rudeness drove her away - and I can't blame her. He doesnt help with his general chauvanism either - that didnt go down well. He was always "ask your wife to do my laundry" and similar.

[Adria]

P123.

He was always "ask your wife to do my laundry" and similar.

Which she probably would have done happily if he treated her with respect. 

[Adria]

Oh yeah, it can be pretty difficult to push a button the ole washer, lol. I get it.

[p123]

Oh yeah, it can be pretty difficult to push a button the ole washer, lol. I get it.

EXACTLY. But thats Dad. Why bother is his motto for life?

He can work out his TV (satellite/cable and know show to record etc) because he has no choice. No learn no have. But everything else nope. Wont use a cell phone because it is no advantage to him if people can still phone him and hes worked out if there is an emergency he can ask someone to use their phone to call me.

[Adria]

Sounds like he's got it just the way he wants it.

[Phoenix Rising]

Kinda late here but I hope you had a good birthday. Admire your strength in resisting the call back.. it was just a ploy to get in your head and cross boundaries IMO.

When reading this thread, I got thinking on how they always seem to make everything about them on special occasions. THEIR need to have YOU call on your bday for example. I kind of just went through this myself and MIL actually had the balls to text happy birthday after she did what she did. I left her on unread and deleted it. No thanks! 

[Adria]

Ingenting,

I had a very nice birthday. Thank you.

Admire your strength in resisting the call back.

Wow! Didn't think of that way. I like that.

Sorry your MIL did it to you to on your birthday. I hope you had a nice birthday anyway.

I also, had a flying monkey aunt that calls once a year on my birthday singing to me. Eeeek!  It sounds like it's all innocent until she starts dropping bombs about how I need to see my sick father, sister, etc.  You are so right. Now that I think about it, the PD's cannot resist messing up a birthday. Hmmm.  I guess it's a thing, huh?