Suspect yet another PD.. BIL's wife

[Phoenix Rising]

I really hope I am wrong on this and not just seeing PD everywhere but I could use any advice about dealing with my BIL's wife. I don't have much interaction with her but on occasion, we all must be together. She seemed nice on the surface but I've noticed some behaviour that concerns me and she gives me really bad vibes. She has done really petty things like ask my husband for gas money any time BIL drives out to see us but I've just ignored that.

My husband and I recently moved from one country back to his home country last month. His parents, BIL and the wife came to help us. We had been planning the move between MIL/FIL/BIL for months and everything was confirmed. A week before the move, BIL tells my husband that we can't move on the planned weekend because BIL's wife has booked something and BIL had to babysit. My husband told BIL that we had to be out of the apartment on the Monday (we gave 90 days notice to the management) and there would be no other time to do the move since everyone works during the weekday. Like why would she plan something knowing full well that we are moving?   

The move ended up happening as planned but she appeared not to be happy about it. I discovered this after we moved to the new country that she must have poured orange pop in one of our dragon tree plants. She was the only one drinking pop/brought pop and the affected plant was in the same room as she stood in doing nothing incredibly helpful  (other two survived and were in different rooms). I talked to my husband about it and he thought it was strange but we just agreed to keep it between us and to buy a new dragon tree.

This month, I have a milestone birthday and my IL offered to take us to a steakhouse to celebrate. My husband was a vegetarian but now eats chicken so I have been super excited about eating steak as its been years since I've had it. Two days ago, my MIL calls us and says that BIL, his wife and their young kids are coming. We don't have kids between us and sometimes kids get cranky late at night but I said it would be fine. Tonight, the IL say that we are going to eat somewhere my husband and I go to often because BIL's wife has a funny stomach and doesn't like steak.

I probably sound awful and unappreciative and I hope I'm just not overreacting by posting this but since when is this the *BIL's Wife* show?

What to do?

[PeanutButter]

If you dont like the change of plans you can change YOUR plans too.  Two can play that game. Tell them that restaurant on that evening no longer works for you.
I think your bil's wife sounds horrendous. I cant help wonder why bil and mil are catering to her whims. That seems like an additional problem for you too especially on YOUR birthday milestone.
Happy Birthday 

[Phoenix Rising]

If you dont like the change of plans you can change YOUR plans too.  Two can play that game. Tell them that restaurant on that evening no longer works for you.
I think your bil's wife sounds horrendous. I cant help wonder why bil and mil are catering to her whims. That seems like an additional problem for you too especially on YOUR birthday milestone.
Happy Birthday 

Thanks so much  and for listening

Haha you are absolutely right - I opened up to my husband just now actually and we are talking about doing our own thing. We are a bit conflicted on telling MIL/FIL that the new restaurant doesn't work because they are doing a nice gesture for me and I don't want to come off as entitled or demanding. But I'm considering it.

I had stopped making plans for the day when MIL said she wanted to do that for me.. I was really looking forward to it and just being the four of us. It feels like now that if I don't go along with this, BIL's wife "wins" and I look like the bad guy or entitled princess. Maybe I should care less about how I may appear but it really annoys me that BIL wife hijacks anything the five of us plan with her woes

[PeanutButter]

I totally get that you are kind hearted and dont want to be unthoughtful in any way. My H is the same way.
But I dont think that is what you will be if you do your own thing.
Sil is being "entitled princess" she sabatoged the dinner for your bday!
Mil is being "bad guy" for promising you something for your bday then renigging on it and catering to sil!
I would not call them out on it but I WOULD tell them that you changed your mind and want to be with just your hubby on your milestone.  Thank them for the thought but since everyone is going now it just wont matter if you dont! SHE ISNT EVEN PICKING A RESTAURANT FOR YOU!
What you want matters. Getting what you want for your bday DOESNT make you selfish!

[WinterStar]

We are a bit conflicted on telling MIL/FIL that the new restaurant doesn't work because they are doing a nice gesture for me and I don't want to come off as entitled or demanding.

Oh man, I lived this way for 15 years, kept thinking that at some point the people in my FOO and inlaws would recognize that I'm the reasonable one. Guess what, it didn't work. So I spent 15 years bending over backwards to accommodate everyone else and all the crazy, setting my wants and needs aside, thinking it would eventually lead to respect, and I would get my turn. All for nothing. My brother still favors his wife and her family who all treat each other terribly. My husband's family continues to enable my SILs abusive behavior.

Now, I say, "That doesn't work for us." I don't even discuss why anymore because that leads to them trying to poke holes in my motivations and kicks off an exhausting back and forth about the plan. I end up getting worn down and agreeing to do something I don't want to do! It might not be as unwelcome as the initial proposed plan, but it's nowhere near something I want.

I would never advocate for using their tactics, but I encourage you to say you really want to go to the steakhouse for your birthday. It's your birthday; you should get to decide! And it's never rude or demanding to nicely say you prefer something different.

[Phoenix Rising]

I totally get that you are kind hearted and dont want to be unthoughtful in any way. My H is the same way.
But I dont think that is what you will be if you do your own thing.
Sil is being "entitled princess" she sabatoged the dinner for your bday!
Mil is being "bad guy" for promising you something for your bday then renigging on it and catering to sil!
I would not call them out on it but I WOULD tell them that you changed your mind and want to be with just your hubby on your milestone.  Thank them for the thought but since everyone is going now it just wont matter if you dont! SHE ISNT EVEN PICKING A RESTAURANT FOR YOU!
What you want matters. Getting what you want for your bday DOESNT make you selfish!

Deep down, I know you're right about this (I am thinking the same LOL). MIL is a bit aloof most of the time.. My husband opened up about BIL's wife, and suggested that the ILs are just going along with whatever BILW wants because she's quite verbally abusive when she doesn't get her way. I didn't really know how she treats BIL until yesterday so I think I was right about my suspicions sadly.

I really appreciate your support, I really thought that my feelings were unreasonable (despite alarm bells going off that this crap isn't fair to me). Asserting myself after dealing with different PD people during my lifetime is something I am working on 

[Phoenix Rising]

We are a bit conflicted on telling MIL/FIL that the new restaurant doesn't work because they are doing a nice gesture for me and I don't want to come off as entitled or demanding.

Oh man, I lived this way for 15 years, kept thinking that at some point the people in my FOO and inlaws would recognize that I'm the reasonable one. Guess what, it didn't work. So I spent 15 years bending over backwards to accommodate everyone else and all the crazy, setting my wants and needs aside, thinking it would eventually lead to respect, and I would get my turn. All for nothing. My brother still favors his wife and her family who all treat each other terribly. My husband's family continues to enable my SILs abusive behavior.

Now, I say, "That doesn't work for us." I don't even discuss why anymore because that leads to them trying to poke holes in my motivations and kicks off an exhausting back and forth about the plan. I end up getting worn down and agreeing to do something I don't want to do! It might not be as unwelcome as the initial proposed plan, but it's nowhere near something I want.

I would never advocate for using their tactics, but I encourage you to say you really want to go to the steakhouse for your birthday. It's your birthday; you should get to decide! And it's never rude or demanding to nicely say you prefer something different.

Hi, thanks for your reply

I like the response you use now, I am going to try that in the future.

I will consider this as I think personally it would be good to show BILW that she can't control everything. At the same time, I am so turned off from the whole thing. I don't even want her there 

[PeanutButter]

" I really thought that my feelings were unreasonable (despite alarm bells going off that this crap isn't fair to me). Asserting myself after dealing with different PD people during my lifetime is something I am working on"

It is the same for me and my H too. The lies that abusers told us, even when it was years ago, haunt us in our internal world. (Inner and Outer critic) We (me and my H) have speculated that it may not be as loud or as often, but might be with us for a long time to come. IME just recognising what it is and acknowledgment that it is not coming from your true self is helpful.

[Pepin]

I love what PeanutButter suggests.  Two can play at that game. 

For years I was subject to birthday plans that had nothing to do with my birthday.  The last time it happened, DH tried to invite PDMil along for my birthday dinner and he phrased it as: it would get her out of the house and give her something to do.



No.

I turned the tables and told him that I was only spending my birthday with him and our kids.  That's it.  My birthday, my rules.  The f*** if I am going to sit at the table during my own bday dinner and listen to DH and PDMil not speak in English in front of me.  It is insulting. 

Stick to your guns and turn those tables!

[Phoenix Rising]

I love what PeanutButter suggests.  Two can play at that game. 

For years I was subject to birthday plans that had nothing to do with my birthday.  The last time it happened, DH tried to invite PDMil along for my birthday dinner and he phrased it as: it would get her out of the house and give her something to do.



No.

I turned the tables and told him that I was only spending my birthday with him and our kids.  That's it.  My birthday, my rules.  The f*** if I am going to sit at the table during my own bday dinner and listen to DH and PDMil not speak in English in front of me.  It is insulting. 

Stick to your guns and turn those tables!

Wow  Shocking to hear that something similar has happened to you too. Seems like the concept of birthdays is so simple yet for the PD, it is always about them, their wants, and so on :/ This is my first experience (attempts to have birthday plans controlled) and it is absolutely mindboggling

My husband's family speaks a different language than I do as well and I can understand why you felt insulted. It's almost like you don't exist! DH and his family speak English more now but BILW never bothers. Kind of inconsiderate I think.

Was your husband supportive with your decision to celebrate with him/kids? My husband is supportive of whatever I choose in this situation but he is more afraid than me on "rocking the boat". He suggested today that I look at it like a free meal  Could look at it but it still bugs me.. feels like taking that approach gives BILW a "win" or some pass on her crap behaviour

[Pepin]

Was your husband supportive with your decision to celebrate with him/kids? My husband is supportive of whatever I choose in this situation but he is more afraid than me on "rocking the boat".

Yes, he was supportive.  He chose his words poorly by trying to invite her along...what he often forgets is that my Birthday is MY BIRTHDAY and I have the right to decide how I want to spend it and with whom.  Thankfully, there has been no PDMil at any of my recent birthdays since that incident.  However, it has been tough to keep her away during the birthdays of our teens.  She honestly has no place celebrating with us.  She just sits there awkwardly, not saying anything and only interacting with DH.  She behaves like a child and needs help with ordering.  She has no desire to learn better English or even to speak it, which I find so odd considering that all the grandchildren only speak English.  She just thinks she can get by in her little world...and sadly, she does.

She is generally the only person that treats me like I don't exist...and a few others.  I've long ago given up being inclusive with her.  It's not worth it anymore when she behaves badly.  So much for examples from the elder generation in my life....*sigh*  - Immaturity its finest.