It feels disloyal to be happy

[KeepingMyBlue]

Logically, I know it's ridiculous, but every time I realize I'm getting healthy and happy, the first reaction is that feeling of trouble coming, like I'm breaking a rule.  Double that if DH tells me he's glad to see me getting back to old interests, or smiling.  He sees that  look and says, "I said something wrong again." and my heart just breaks, because he didn't! 

[_apparentlywicked]

Hi Keeping

I reckon this is one of the many 'gifts' we're left with when we've been in a relationship with people who aren't psychologically healthy.

Undxnpddad has always poured water on anything joyful in my life that isn't directly connected to him. Most recent example is my dh receiving recognition for something. Dad suggested how it was actually a negative thing. It's not that he is worried in any way for dh, he just doesn't want anyone to get anything nice. So he always makes out there's some danger involved that only his wisdom allows him to see.

Because of this I do it to myself sometimes. Like in preparing for nice things to turn bad. It's horrible isn't it.  You are allowed to be happy. When you're happy you're not taking that happiness off anyone. There isn't a certain amount of joy to go around. And the way I see it the more happy in the world people the better.

The only person who doesn't want you to be happy feels like that because they can't feel honest pleasure. And they're not going to get better by you keeping yourself down.

Happy people don't make it their life's work to cut people down. They pull people up and share that light. So in being happy you're loving the world, despite what someone has made you feel, your happiness is only adding to the beauty to the world.

[Adria]

It's part of the residual effects from living with miserable controlling people who don't want us to be happy.  Anytime, something really good in my life happens, I get a sense of impending doom.  I keep thinking I"ll get past it, but haven't yet.  One of my goals.

[blues_cruise]

It's not ridiculous and I get it. Whenever I start to feel happy something triggers in me (the impending doom that Adria describes) and I'm reminded that my relationship with my FOO is near enough non-existent, then I wonder how I could ever deserve to be happy with that hanging over my head. I think it's an ingrained shame response triggered by hypervigilance. I wasn't allowed to be carefree or happy as a child so stands to reason that a lot of that "shh, you'll get in trouble" mindset still exists.

[KeepingMyBlue]

Thanks, everyone. That's exactly it. GI Joe had it right, "Knowing is half the battle."

I hope.

[Maxtrem]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't feel ashamed to be happy, but every time I'm really happy, I realize that my uBPDM is ruining it in order to maintain the FOG! She even tried to ruin my engagement proposal as an egocentric revenge because I do not take enough care of her. Which is why I hate the idea of most holidays (especially Christmas) and never feel like celebrating my birthday.

[SpunHead13]

Yes, I can empathize with that. For me it comes from being put down by Nm every time I expressed happiness in her presence. It's a pattern I'm trying to break. So far mostly by just feeling my feelings and in the moment as much as possible.

[newlife33]

Thanks for posting this, it's been a constant thing i have dealt with in the 3 years I have been free of them.  It still comes up a lot and is really annoying.  It's like a drop of poison in a soda bottle.  it doesn't kill me or harm me, but I can still taste it and it tarnishes joy.  I am healthy enough where i have begun to activley battle through things and have had large stretches of joyous experiences.  I guess it's like anything else: practice makes perfect.  I had practiced living with miserable narcissistic fools for decades, so habit developed.  What helps me is knowing everyday away from them forms new habits and makes things easier and easier.  Here's hoping the same progress for you.