Uocpdh had a heart attack today

Started by 11JB68, February 23, 2020, 11:49:19 PM

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11JB68

Honestly I think this was his 4th one. Minor. He's in the hospital, procedure tomorrow.
Arguing with me of course about stuff like I brought him the wrong underwear.  :stars:
Doctors and nurses astounded that he hasn't seen a dr in over 30 years.
One of the nurses already picked up on his anxiety.
Will be interesting to see how this all goes.
He's inclined to blame others (for stressing him out etc) vs taking responsibility for his poor habits.


GettingOOTF

I wish you strength through this. My ex had a surgery that required lifestyle changes. He of course refused to make them which had a negative impact on both our lives. It was a nightmare.

He also weaponized his condition and used it as an excuse of all kinds of behavior. And of course it all somehow was my fault.

I am dating again and No. 1 on my list is that anyone I go out with must be in good shape.  They must be within a certain weight range, work out regularly and take care of how they look.  I have experienced first hand how someone else’s refusal to take care of themselves can negatively impact my life. I won’t ever go through that again.

When I was married I had so much sympathy for my ex and really put up with a lot around his various health conditions. I see now how much he used them to manipulate those around him.

I spent so much time taking care of my ex and nothing I did was good enough. I spent hours in hospitals ensuring he got care and attention and all he did was complain about thinks like your husband - you brought the wrong food/shirt/dvd. It was exhausting.

Hang in there.

D.Dan

It's not quite the same thing, but my uPDbro1 has almost completely destroyed his health since being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in his mid teens, for about 15 years... He always gets a caregiver (Girlfriend) to try to increase his health and quality of life while he sits there sabotaging all their efforts. It's gotten so bad that me and my other siblings are actually quite surprised that he's still alive. I hear the doctors that treat him are also quite shocked at his survival.

I won't go into how he weaponizes his health issues (it's rrreeeeaaalllyyy bad!) but one thing I've learned is "I shouldn't put more effort into helping my brother than he is willing to do himself".

He is very surprisingly good at taking care of himself when no one else is willing.

(P.S. Make sure you can't be held legally responsible for your H's lifestyle choices)

Be sure to take care of yourself  :bighug:

SparkStillLit

Ugh. Sending all my best thoughts to YOU for strength and MC!!!
I can only imagine how it will go. Much like Out of the FOG has suggested.

Frankie14

QuoteI wish you strength through this. My ex had a surgery that required lifestyle changes. He of course refused to make them which had a negative impact on both our lives. It was a nightmare.

He also weaponized his condition and used it as an excuse of all kinds of behavior. And of course it all somehow was my fault.

I am dating again and No. 1 on my list is that anyone I go out with must be in good shape.  They must be within a certain weight range, work out regularly and take care of how they look.  I have experienced first hand how someone else's refusal to take care of themselves can negatively impact my life. I won't ever go through that again.

When I was married I had so much sympathy for my ex and really put up with a lot around his various health conditions. I see now how much he used them to manipulate those around him.

I spent so much time taking care of my ex and nothing I did was good enough. I spent hours in hospitals ensuring he got care and attention and all he did was complain about thinks like your husband - you brought the wrong food/shirt/dvd. It was exhausting.

Hang in there.

:yeahthat:

Sorry to hear this 11..

I think we or I, have discussed the PD H not taking care of themselves here before, knowing this is their end game...

As I get closer to 50 I am now more worried about how my PD H is trying to trap me by PURPOSEFULLY becoming ill (H is 70 lbs overweight, obese, high BP, high cholesterol and pre-diabetic, an alcoholic, was a long time cigar smoker/has quit smoking/for 20 years he has had recurrent gout attacks so badly --- he can now barely walk most of the time..he shuffles, he is only 49 and he walks like an 88 year old man, and we have two young boys who want to skate and ski, and H cannot because he is too obese, and b/c his feet have been destroyed by the gout. 

10 years ago his GP told him he would end up like this if he didn't lose the weight, cut out the alcohol, H refused.  Gout is caused by his sedentary, obese, alcoholic lifestyle. It has taken me YEARS to realize this - but  this is what he wanted.  I am worried how his poor health is going to drain me from 50-60 as I get older, he certainly won't become MORE healthy...

Someone getting cancer, an unpreventable illness or something they cannot help is one thing; a PD H purposely sabotaging his health - to play the victim - is another entirely.

My H was slightly chubby when we met; faked working out to marry me, then promptly quit all attempts at losing weight once we married and upped his alcoholic intake, food intake and instead of losing the 20 lbs he needed to - he gained 70.. when I mentioned the gaining, the obesity, the needing crutches for yet another gout attack, I was told to 'shut up' 'mind your own business' 'worry about yourself'.... My H doesn't have any healthy habits, no hobbies, he does nothing but begrudgingly go to work, then come home at 5 - shuffling, miserable and annoys the boys and I til he goes to bed.  Weekends are hell - because he does nothing, he won't even walk our dog. 

I am not overweight, and workout and walk regularly.

Long and the short; they want to get sick, it will create endless supply for them as they are infirm and needy and trapping us because how can we divorce an ill man..its part of their trap...my H ultimate goal - stop working altogether, sit in my house, obese, shuffling and sick til he dies..with me the only adult in the house - with my sons seeing this mess as their male role model..I am at the breaking point there also...I am not doing this much longer. 

Getting Out of the FOG - I also will never ever date a man that does not workout or maintain his health...ever. again.

ICantThinkOfAName

This is a bit of an eye opener for me... I guess I should have been thinking about this all along.  The red flags I still choose to ignore, wow.  My uOCPDh has an issue with drugs but outwardly he tells everyone that he treats his body like a temple.  Then berates me for eating something with sugar in it.  I am a bit overweight but I definitely am working on fixing that, some of which is caused by stress eating and such, but coming here makes me realize how important self care is.  And I think I've been ignoring the possible health consequences of his drug use because I feel bad for not having my own eating behaviors under 100% control.  So if I am not doing the right thing for me health wise, how can I hold him accountable for the same thing? 

I am not overweight to the point of causing health issues and I do go to the doctor and get tested and everything is within good limits.  I exercise and I am actively working a program for weight loss.  Sometimes I feel like I have to BE a fitness model in order to lay down the hammer on him and say I can't accept his abuse of his body with drugs and the likelihood that he will suffer a heart attack or a stroke or something that will make him dependent on me.  Because then he will use the ammo of well "you're eating cereal with sugar in it, you're just as bad as me!"  This post is making me realize that I am actively taking steps to keep myself from being a burden healthwise and my risks are significantly lower than him doing that to me and he is actively trying to make it happen.  I honestly think he just wants it to kill him. 

Sorry to get off track a bit but thank you for posting your responses here another light bulb moment day for me!  I think this is my breaking point.  Not the drugs but the lack of respect to me to try and not be a burden.

GettingOOTF

QuoteMy H was slightly chubby when we met; faked working out to marry me, then promptly quit all attempts at losing weight once we married and upped his alcoholic intake, food intake and instead of losing the 20 lbs he needed to - he gained 70..

This is EXACTLY what my ex did. Except he also quit his job. It was like I woke up married to a totally different person. I have since read of this happening to others. 

11JB68

Procedure was a success. Stent in. Can come home tomorrow.
Hoping for the best, preparing for typical pd antics...

11JB68

Visited this afternoon.
He finally accepted a nic patch, but is already arguing against it, 'something always happens that makes you say f it and you start again anyway'. Everyone's nice there, but the Drs are snobby, 'and I don't tolerate that, they think they're smarter than me, well guess what they're not, maybe one iq point' (so here we go already with he doesn't need to listen to them).
Wants one of his otc pills that I tell him I don't think he's supposed to take 'well leave one and I won't take it I'll ask the nurse'...
This all tells me there will be no lifestyle change...
Oh and then of course he is blaming stress caused by others!!
So if everyone would just do what he says he'd be fine...
But then crying about how he just wants to keep being here for me and ds... And apologizing that he didn't listen to me when I said he needed to see a Dr...
But then rationalizing that well when your in your 20s or 30s you don't need medical care, maybe by 40s you do...
He was 30 when the life insurance nurse told him his bp and cholesterol were high and he should see a Dr!!!
I left the hospital sort of depressed.


NumbLotus

That's depressing. Even if he falls off the wagon quickly, today of all days he should be motivated. And he's not even there. He's already quit the patch in his mind and decided the docs don't know anything.

On the menu today is "no change whatsoever."

Support to you.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

11JB68


Jumpy

This too was eye-opening for me. My uppdw hasn't been to a doctor in over 3 years (the medical community is out to get her). She's been feeling lousy in one way or another for most of the year thus far, and it is up to my children and me to feel sorry for her and accommodate her. Frankly, she is of an age where menopause is imminent or has started, and I don't know too much about it, but I would imagine having a doctor in your court would only help. I worry about that.

One strange thing is when she sees a picture of herself, she is shocked, and in disbelief that she looks like what the picture shows her. She has gained a fair amount of weight, and is of course older than she used to be, but I think she maintains a strange self image from her past, and is shocked when presented with something that contradicts that.

Until now, I hadn't seen the trap aspect of her declining physical health. I certainly was aware of the trap of her declining mental health, but this is  a  new aspect that I need to ponder further. Thanks for sharing.

11JB68

Jumpy, imo it's like they bury their head in the sand and don't want to face reality. All this while (at least with ocpd) feeling they can tell everyone else how to run their lives.
H was shocked at his weight in the hospital.
On the way home it started, how we (WE) need to change how we're doing things. He did include a fair amount of his own stuff in there but it felt like a lot of here's what I need 11jb to do!
Ugh.
There are so many things that I can't jade about... He brings up something from years ago, how he ate one of my yogurts and I got mad. Well.... He has always had me on a very restricted allowance. I've tried to do my best with it. But when I buy what he wants and what I want/need and the grocery money is gone then yes I'm mad if he eats my yogurt! I can't go buy more.
He brought this up a couple of times and sadly I finally reacted passive aggressively with an oh I know I'm a terrible wife.
Oh, give me strength!

NumbLotus

So he ate your yogurt 50 years ago and that's why he can't eat healthy today?
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

11JB68

Also he's making a big thing about trying to eat right etc, which is great. But he's so picky and like a spoiled child. For years I would try to introduce healthy options and he rejected them. Wheat pasta?? Etc. Always needs sauce, gravy, ketchup etc on everything. All of these have tons of sodium. God forbid I made something without sauce, 'well this needs something on it!'
He has always taken the attitude that he should have/do what he likes.
Back to med care... His theory that when you're younger you don't need to see Drs. But he has always claimed he had asthma. If you have asthma you need a Dr!! So he takes otc pills, which are bad for heart/bp. I told him this tonight, he insists he needs them for his asthma and if not then what's his alternative. Idk I said, that's a primary care Dr question. (I offered to set him up with a PCP 2 days ago, 'why would you do that?' was the response. Why indeed...
And the health stuff... Of course he's smarter than everyone, including me. I know some stuff about being healthy, as evidenced by my annual physical results...
This is all very frustrating.

Frankie14

#15
Quote from: GettingOOTF on February 24, 2020, 12:18:59 PM
QuoteMy H was slightly chubby when we met; faked working out to marry me, then promptly quit all attempts at losing weight once we married and upped his alcoholic intake, food intake and instead of losing the 20 lbs he needed to - he gained 70..

This is EXACTLY what my ex did. Except he also quit his job. It was like I woke up married to a totally different person. I have since read of this happening to others.

Yup, mine quit his steady longterm (8 years big company)  job 3 months after we married, he whined daily after marriage how much he hated the job, his boss, he's an idiot, he needs to 'make his own hours' and 'be his own boss'.  Once married he moved into my home, and within 3 months working a part time sales gig for low pay in a make shift office in my guest room...with H having MORE free time THAN EVER, I figured he might get an MBA, lose the weight, get healthy..nope..the free time was for more drinking, no boss hawking over him when he was hungover...and to golf, drink, sleep, nap, go to the bars meeting friends....

How are you doing today 11..I am glad he has been released...