Surrounded by NPD, or imagination?

[gfuertes]

Is it common, once you feel sure someone close to you has a PD, to think you notice similar traits in many other people in your life, and to have trouble discerning whether that's real, or you being hypersensitive?

My sister and niece moved in with me while my soon-to-be-ex husband was being prosecuted for fraud. Once my sister opened up about the issues that had caused her to leave her ex, and I had a ring-side seat to their custody battle, it seemed easy and obvious to identify his behavior as pretty textbook Narcissistic PD stuff. 

I had long suspected my husband of something like that, but while I was living with him and caught up in the revolving door of stresses he either created or made worse, I just wasn't thinking clearly enough to draw a conclusion. Then he went to prison, and it rather quickly seemed obvious how many similarities there were between him and my sister's ex... which made me wonder why we'd be attracted to the same type of guy?  I thought about it, but really don't see a lot of similarities between our exes and our father.

When, in reading about NPD, I first heard of the concept of a fragile, or covert narcissist, I was surprised that this sounded in many ways like our mother. Surprised, because she's very generous and caretaking and doesn't seem at all arrogant. Yet, no one really likes living with her because she's rigid, micromanages, does a lot of blaming and shaming, and twists conversations to avoid taking responsibility even for small things that shouldn't seem threatening.  I love my mom and think, deep down, she's a good person who had a rough childhood and is doing her best with what she has to work with (like all of us). But it's been enlightening to think my sister and I both may have grown up thinking it's right to accept and excuse narcissistic behavior, and to take responsibility for the extra effort to make such relationships work, and -realizing that - we can consciously choose different types of people to get close to in the future, and set healthier boundaries with our mom.

But I am *also* noticing - and feeling turned off by - narcissistic behavior in some of my long-term friends, and even a little bit in my sister. And that seems like so many people - with me as the common denominator - that I suspect myself of being hypersensitive. I mean, the individual things I'm noticing are real, and unpleasant. But intellectually I realize no one, including me, is perfect, and everyone has *some* amount of narcissism, without it always being a big problem or disorder. I don't want to become the unreasonable party who pushes away or withdraws from people who've been important to me for decades, because the sour taste I have in my mouth about my marriage and my sister's mean ex have left me overreacting to any hint of narcissism in those around me.

Has anyone else dealt with this, and how did you manage it?

[Andeza]

We talk about this a lot on the pd parents side, which is why I'm posting. In short , yes it is common.

Frequently those raised by personality disordered people are then drawn to create relationships (marriages, friendship) with more disordered or flea ridden people. The theory is twofold.

First, we are drawn into these relationships because disfunction is normal to us, it is all we have ever known, and therefore those little red flags don't pop up the way they should or we don't trust them and ignore them.

Second, the disordered individuals and that we are easily controlled, victimized, and compelled to live with their abuse because we're used to it.

It's a sad reflection no matter how you look at it. Many members here recommend that we look within ourselves to identify why we are drawn to these troublesome people and then change that part of our thinking in order to avoid essentially being taken advantage of yet again.

You are of course welcome to join us in the pd parents discussions anytime.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Yes yes yes!!!  Everyone is a N but me!!! LOL.  Not really but I feel like I attract this type of person much like a magnet.  I think I my demeanor and even the way I walk tips me off and Ns are very keen to tune into that.  Whereas non-PDs seem turned off by some of the needy behaviors that I either subconsciously or unknowingly exhibit because I need external validation!  Does this dress look good?  Do you think I pissed him off with my comment?  Am I being too nice?  Am I being to quiet?  Am I doing a good job?  Am I ok?  LOL.  I have been working very hard to be self-validating and trusting my own thoughts and judgement.  Being raised by a PD shuts that part off in you.  And having chosen many of the PDs in my own life makes me trust my own judgement even less.  How could I let that person in my life?  What is wrong with me?!!

Understanding what Ns and what the traits are has enabled me to see traits in practically everyone, however, some are not out to actively be mean or try to use it as a way to get at you.  It is definitely on a spectrum and the more glaring it is, the more I treat that person like a nuclear waste dump, stay back! 

I now sit back and observe new people, A LOT, before I trust them.  I watch them interact with others, and get their opinions.  I work with one guy who is so nice and everyone likes him.  I don't think he has a PD at all and we have had some great conversations, he doesn't treat me mean or share any secrets and is completely respectful and non-judgemental.  But when he told me that he got irritated at his wife for leaving a plate in the sink, it kind of triggered me.  Then I started wondering if he had some PD issues.  But on the spectrum, he would be pretty low, given his overall behavior, but then again it's easy to keep up the facade at work.  And in my opinion, this is the only person I work with who is that low on the spectrum(and I believe everyone is on the spectrum) and I still wonder how bad he actually is when he is at home.  When in reality to me, he's very respectful and easy to talk to, so I feel like I have some work to peel myself back from the wall of safety and stop hiding out from other people.  LOL.  Everyone scares me!  Even the nice ones!

[Phoenix Rising]

I don't have a PD spouse but I think it is common actually. I can relate atleast.

When I first began to understand NPD, I didn't see everyone around me as being PD, just the NPDex. Then I met another person with NPD/ASPD and even then it took some time to conclude that he was PD. After that relationship, I really started to see behaviours in other people. People crossing boundaries, manipulating and controlling. This allowed me to really take time to get to know people and decide on who gets my time and energy. I definitely became a more cautious person after the last PDex.

Lately I've come to realize that my BIL's wife is PD and MIL is probably as well. Not long before this, I realized too that I was surrounded by family members who were either PD or have traits through being actively used by the PD family members. I have been asking the same questions - am I being sensitive? Is it really possible knowing what I know / experienced that I have encountered a PD person again?

I agree that it is important to look within. That has helped me a lot but I still have some ways to go. Looking within doesn't mean its "your fault" but it allows one to get to know themselves and identify what patterns or traits one possesses that causes us to keep entering poor relationships. Learning to establish boundaries has been a REALLY big help but so has also accepting that I may be more cautious is a normal reaction to years of PD abuse. Keeping an open mind about future encounters and knowing what is acceptable, healthy behaviour and relationships look like helps me as well.