A remnant

[Associate of Daniel]

UNPD exH left nearly 7 and a half years ago and I'm doing ok, all things considered.

But I realised something today.

I was driving through a McDonald's drive through.  I'd ordered a frozen coke.  When I arrived at the pickup window I told the server to keep the straw.

(McD's straws are quite solid and I manage to reuse them quite a number of times before throwing them out.  I'm ashamed to say that I've accumulated way too many over the years so I'm making a more concerted effort to use the ones I already have by keeping a few in the car.  Just doing my very small bit for the environment...)

I was friendly - please, thanks, smiling, bye etc)

But as I drove off I realsed that I thought my tone of voice had been a little bit like ordering her around.

Then I realised that my speaking had been accompanied by my cheerful demeanour. And it hit me.

Tone of voice is not the only thing we use in communication to understand someone's meaning.  It's a whole package thing.

I think I already knew this but it struck me today that I'm still dealing with the accusations my uNPD exH used to lay at my feet. 

"Don't use that tone of voice."  "Stop looking at me like that."  "Stop patronising me." Etc.

For all these years I've worried about my tone of voice and my demeanour seperately.

And I hadn't realised that I still worry about either of them.

It's a remnant of that relationship and I think I turned a corner in dealing with it today.

I'm now 50 and am fast approaching the end of being concerned about how people perceive me.

I know I'm a decent person. I also know I make mistakes and have off days.  I can accept that of myself.  Other people should too.

Sorry. It's very late here.  Just wanted to put this out there.

Oh. And I still have way too many McDonalds straws.

AOD

[Stillirise]

In my opinion, the fact that you are caring and concerned enough to save your straws, and then actually remember to bring them with you to reuse them, says you are a tremendously kind, decent, thoughtful person.

I understand what you mean, though, about the echos of the past hanging on in your mind. I'm middle-aged, and can still hear my mom telling me one version or another of, "don't make waves."  I still have uPDh reminding me of my other "failings," too.  It saddens me to realize this may never go totally away.

If I find myself ruminating on something like this, I try and remind myself that what others think of me is none of my business.  Sometimes it helps. 

You've also reminded me to put my reusable shopping bags back in my car. Thanks!

[athene1399]

I think some remnants are so ingrained in us, they're difficult to even pick out. I'm glad you were able to identify yours.

I've noticed some of mine now that I am in healthier relationships. For example, my FOO can't take no for an answer, so when I want to say no I have a list of reasons why. SO's been helping me on this one becasue he'll respond with "It's okay if you don't want to do x. You don't have to tell me why you don't want to do it." It's nice because it helps me to realize I'm doing it and it takes the pressure off because he's fine with me just saying no. I never realized this was even something I do until he pointed it out. And I love that I can just tell him "i don't feel like doing x" and that's an acceptable answer. I never realized how much I felt obligated to defend my actions (or to defend not wanting to do something).

[11JB68]

Just today after returning from the hospital and trying to patiently listen to uocpdh's many requests.... He told me to stand differently. Somehow the way I was standing made him think I was giving him an attitude. I tried a different stance, still wrong. Ugh.