Realising just how unimportant I am to him...

[sarandro]

Just realising (again) how unimportant I am .

Whenever I ask my husband to do something for me (things I can't do without help) he will say
'Stop telling me what to do'...'Stop asking me to do stuff'....'Can't it wait?'...'I'm busy'

Last Monday, I asked tentatively if he would go into the attic to get my stored fabrics so I could complete an order for my new sewing business.
I have a neurological condition that makes me unbalanced and I have great difficulty getting the ladder down and climbing up by myself, let alone hefting the large boxes of fabric down the ladder...he knows this.
He also knows that I need it for my business.

On Wednesday, I asked again...quite sweetly...'Please will you get my fabric down, I really need it, my customer is waiting to choose her colours'
Again...'Stop trying to organise MY DAY'

So now it is a week later...I am now behind with my order.
I ask kindly 'Have you got time this afternoon to go and get my fabric?'

He walks out of the room, saying
'Not that again, you look like hell anyway, you should probably just stay on the couch today, I've got MY stuff to do!!!!

So, here I am, writing this, feeling extremely upset and irrelevant.
Anything I ask him for help with is dismissed as unimportant.

I feel useless and hopeless.
It's bad enough to feel poorly most days, but to be shown absolutely NO RESPECT is really getting me down.
My little business is what keeps me going, having something creative to do helps with the pain (He knows this too)

I really need the fabric, so I am thinking of trying to get it myself.
If I do get it and don't hurt myself...he will say he was going to do it and I should have waited...and 'See..you can do it yourself, you don't need me'
If I attempt to do it and fall (very probable) he will say the same thing...'Why didn't you wait?' and then I will be ignored because I hurt myself by not waiting for his help.

My only option now is to contact my customer and cancel her order.
We need the money (he knows this, too)

Is he doing this on purpose, so my business fails and I feel even worse about myself?
Will my needs EVER be first in his mind?

Maybe I should just stop asking him altogether?
Maybe I should just ignore him from now on?

I am now feeling quite angry after reading my own post!!!!!

[sarandro]

I forgot this...
Last week, I spent a lot of time, decluttering and redecorating our bedroom...new bedding, curtains..the full makeover.
It took a lot out of me physically, but I took my time, made sure I was doing it all at a reasonable pace, it looked great, fresh and tidy...super clean.

The other night, I fell asleep on the couch, so he had one of our dogs sleep with him.
THE NEXT AFTERNOON, he casually tells me that the dog had peed on the bed, on the brand new bedding, right through to the mattress.
I said he had better put everything in the wash and disinfect the mattress.
He still hadn't done this by bed time, so I slept on the couch again instead.
HE SLEPT IN THE PEE!!!!
I think he thought I was going to clean up the mess.
Today, I went upstairs and the whole bedroom smells of pee, he has been sleeping on the dry side of the bed (my side)

What kind of a person does this??

[NumbLotus]

I have learned over time to dismantle any reliance I have on my H. There are some things I must still rely on him for - it would cost about $80 to Uber my kid to an orthodontist appointment and back - but everything I can think of, I've dismantled reliance.

I'd be thinking about where I could store ALL the fabric so it's not in the attic anymore. Under the bed? Set up a utility shelf for your business? Sure, it's nicer to have it out of your way but it's your business.

If there are no friends that can come help you one time to fetch all the boxes so you can set it up within your reach, I think it's worth hiring someone off Craiglist OR WHATEVER. Not just for this order, obviously that would be a loss, but for your BUSINESS. You need that fabric.

Your H has clearly shown you that he is working against you on this business. He wants you to fail at it.

If you won't get someone else in, what do you think about pushing him to get all the boxes down TODAY and just taking the bullshit he heaps on you. "Can you do this now?" "Why are you always nagging me?" And insted of folding, "I need it dine now." "You are ______" "I need it now, though." "(Abuse)" "Okay, can you get the ladder?" I dunno, but there are some things I will just take the bullshit for, not over and over but to get it DONE once and for all.

Also, "why didn't you wait?" "I did. So long I lost my order."
"I was going to do it today." "Too late."

"(Other BS)" Stare him dead in the eyes and say "I know what you are doing." I did that once to my H about something and he never tried it again. Ever.

This sucks.

[sarandro]

Thanks, Numb Lotus.

My fabric was stored in the attic as I was decorating, I normally do store it where I can reach, but now I need it bringing back down...that's the problem!

I have decided to go and attempt to get it myself anyway...I can take a flashlight and get each bundle of fabric out of the boxes and chuck it down the hole one at a time...not ideal and time consuming, but it is better than being held to ransom.
It's just a helluva lot more work though.

In the past, he worked away a lot and I became extremely capable and confident of doing everything needed to maintain our home...now because I am unable to do as much...it never gets done and it makes me feel even more useless and frustrated.
Having to ask him for help is very humiliating, especially as he dismisses my needs as unimportant.

[NumbLotus]

Ah, okay, my nuance of the situation was a little off, sorry.

He SHOULD help you.

But he won't. So I guess it's time to do it if you can.

With my H, there used to be things he did that I couldn't, but the list of such things has whittled away to nearly nothing. I literally cannot mow the lawn. So now it doesn't get mowed. I think about doing it but no kidding, I literally cannot. So I'll have to hire it done this year with money we don't have and it will be a big deal. I'm gonna get it. But I've been through similar enough times to know my H will blow up, then the thing will happen, and he won't mention it again and let me just take care of it.

And the math will be increasingly absurd. Why does he live here? Years ago I could say he contributed in this way and that, but the math is getting more absurd over time. A partnership doesn't have to be 50-50 and hardly ever is, but when the numbers are that wonky...

How's your math looking lately?

[sarandro]

Ha Ha...very one sided here, I do literally 95% of everything in the home (I can't really think what his 5% is...maybe it's less)

It really stinks.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Even though you need the help he is using it as a way to control you.  I'm sorry for your situation and that would be tough for anyone but you have an awesome attitude.  You will never get him to be the supportive H that you need.  Maybe if you are lucky you might get something done without complaint and that might keep you thinking sure ok I can rely on him.  I'm physically capable of doing most things so I basically do everything.  When I was incapacitated I did everything I could to prepare, cause I knew it was coming, to literally not have to ask him for ANYTHING.  Cause you are right, he is holding your fabric ransom.  It is the MOST helpless feeling ever to have to rely on someone else.  For me I just don't rely on my uOCPDh, which I know is completely unhealthy.  Any person with basic empathy and ability would go and get the fabric, heck I wish I could do it for you right now!  Like I mean literally how long would it take 15 minutes?

[sarandro]

I even said...just hold the ladder for me and leave me up there for a bit...not even that.

Now my customer has had no choice but to go elsewhere and has cancelled her order.

Not good for my fledgling business...or my self esteem.
New customers are hard to come by.

Feeling very cross X

[Rose1]

He is sabotaging what you do and doesn't care about cost. Words fail me (well not quite😃). Are you sure it was the dog? I think he's trying to make sure you cant be independent.

[eyesopen]

Are you sure it was the dog?

OMG, now that would really be next level disordered if it wasn't the dog.

As for getting fabric out of the attic, is there a neighbor you could ask to help?  It doesn't even have to be someone you know that well, just someone that could be kind enough to lend a hand.  Not at all PD related, but I once needed to move a TV (a heavy, 2-person-lift, tube TV) and just stepped outside the front door and asked a strong-looking guy that was walking through the neighborhood with his wife.  The job got done quickly, I thanked him, then he continued with his walk and I never saw him again.

[sarandro]

Thanks for all the advice...

When he told me about the pee, he said he thought it was the dog or it could have been him, he'd had a lot to drink...now I'm not so sure
Unfortunately, the order I had that the fabric was for has now been cancelled...I ran out of time..sabotaged by my so called husband!
I am getting the fabric down myself tomorrow...bit by bit.

I am determined not to ask for his help ever again unless it is an emergency.

If he is trying to stop me being independent, then why won't he help me when I need it? If I do things myself (as I have always done until I became ill) surely I am being more independent?
I just don't get it at all, why does he act this way?

He has now gone to bed on the stinking mattress with no sheets or duvet cover and no attempt to clean up the mess. I will not sleep in such disgusting conditions, not after I made everything so lovely last week.
I am sleeping on the couch now and for the foreseeable future...until he cleans up the pee and makes it all good again

What else can I do???

[NumbLotus]

I say you don't remake the bed 

[1footouttadefog]

You are being sabotaged and abused.  He is acting like and enemy and treating you like a slave.

[Rose1]

If you are able to earn money and not busy cleaning his messes and run off your feet doing everything you might have time and ability to think about leaving

[Call Me Cordelia]

Exactly, Rose. This is apparently common. I saw it with my parents, too.

Check out this thread. https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=77630.msg676142#msg676142

[rubixcube]

Sarandro,
This sounds terrible. The heartache that comes from realizing the person who you're supposed to be sharing your life with is incapable of empathy or love is devastating. You have thicker skin than I do apparently. It really hits home for me.


The pee incident(it's starting to sound like it WAS h that peed the bed) reminds me of something my uCovertPDw said a couple weeks ago.

She leaves her plate in the table after dinner and gets up. If I'm still there and I finish I grab my plate and put it in the sink. I'm consciously thinking "your stuff, my stuff" at this point. Well, she asked me very seriously why when I get up I don't get her plate too? There was a lot of victim playing in her words. I was dumbfounded at the entitlement. She was saying, "why don't you clean up after me"?

Our PDs are like toddlers in so many ways. It's hard not to have compassion for them.