Update BF ex

[Christy22]

Hi I'm back with an update to my BF who has a son with his PD ex.  BF has attained an attorney for full custody and they are waiting for mediation.  Ex is now kissing his a$$ and even offered to take their son on Valentine's Day "IN CASE YOU AND CHRISTY HAVE PLANS OR WOULD LIKE TO MAKE PLANS" to which he declined. 

As I have posted before when her married BF lived with her, their son was "second best" and their son did not have a good relationship with her.  My children and I were introduced to their son and we all got along with our few day trips.  All heck broke loose when her BF went back to his wife and she began turning their son against our relationship.  We took a step back with the kids, I have been going to counseling with BF, and with help from his counselor he will mention some positive things about me to their son from time to time. 

BF's ex has now moved her mother into the home.  Their son is once again "Second best" and things are not good.  He comes to my BF and complains/cries about the way he is being treated.   It appears to be continuously disparaging remarks and disapproval.  Their son has become once again extremely anxious. 

How should my BF deal with this? What are some good things to say to his son without it being another B**tch session?    Any advice on how to handle this? Thanks

[hhaw]

Your  bf's son will benefit from understanding good/better/best choices.

We can practice this all the time.... when we make sad choices, when a playground friend or teacher or waitstaff or person in traffic cuts us off.....
we can discuss with our child all the choices involved, the responses.... good/better/best choices..... what that child would have done, or would do in the future.

This sets us up to discuss the really difficult PD stuff with our child and hopefully stay calm,  non judgmental, level and curious about what our child really thinks.   Listening more than we speak.   Repeating back to the child what they've said validates them.... helps them feel heard.  Children need to feel they have a voice and can impact their world.  We want the kids to come up with the answers.  We don't want to tell the child what to think or feel, kwim?

Children need to be given voice, and feel they may impact the world they live in. 

These are universal truths.  Everyone deserves to be treated with compassion.  Everyone requires empathy. 

No one deserves to be yelled at, name called, blamed, bullied. NO ONE. That's always the truth and we model this for our children.  We model how to speak with compassion, require respectful treatment, ask for it and respond when we don't receive it.

The lessons aren't about the PD.... or maybe sometimes they will  be, but all in all.... these are lessons our children carry into their relationships and futures with them.   

Everything should be something they can deploy in the classroom, workplace, home and parking lots when someone cuts them off.   

It helps when we're capable of asking what happened to someone to make them behave badly.  That way we're able to respond to them and their treatment of us opoosed to react and lash out,  feel shame,  otherwise internalize that treatment as being ABOUT us/the child.

Teaching our children to stop and take a breath...... breathe deeply when they're upset.... teaches them how to be resilient, think more clearly, respond opposed to react. 

Sad/happy/good/better/best choices are adjectives our children can use with court officers that help the officer understand what's going on in a child's life.   

Children trust us when we resist judging.  They trust us when we ask them what they think and listen without expectation.

Christy22, what exactly is the BioM and her mother doing/saying to bf's son that's upsetting to him?

What is the T saying about it?

[Christy22]

Hi, BF's son has not said much.  He will not get into specifics about what happened over there are he is afraid to "get mom in trouble."  I told BF to not react negatively when he talks of his mom and to be positive.  I read one of the books that was recommended and he is now reading it. 

The other day she dropped off son and he was very sick.  She didn't supply any meds.  BF asked me to go to the store to get his son meds and Pedialyte.  At first I was worried and asked him if that was a good idea as what if son gets mad and demands to be with mom? (As you know he told BF that if he doesn't break up with me he will never see him again).  BF told me that he told his son that he asked me to go to the store and his son was ok with it. 

His son was appreciative when I dropped of the meds and Pedialyte (I did not go inside; BF met me on the street).  I asked him what if son tells BioM and she gets mad? He said he doesn't care anymore about what she has to say about it. 

The BioM's mother moved in last week.  We will be talking to the T about it this week. 

[Penny Lane]

Sadly I think we've all seen the PD do these cycles, where for awhile they are super involved and manipulative toward the kids and then suddenly they turn mean and neglectful. I really think the best thing the non parent can do is to provide a soft landing place and consistency no matter what is going on at the other house. The other thing is to validate them and teach them how to handle the PD parent's behavior. That's doing things like, modeling good boundaries with others. Teach them to hold in their head the idea that 1. you love someone but 2. you don't like how they're treating you, both at the same time. Show them that you don't have to yell to get your way - by not yelling at them - and that you don't believe they deserve to be yelled at. That sort of thing.

It can be very confusing for kids to deal with the emotional roller coaster of a parent who's really hot and cold. If I could only give my stepkids one thing it would be the certainty that it's not their fault. They didn't cause their mom to act like this, and her behavior reflects on her not them. Unfortunately you can't say that directly, it's too close to criticizing their mom. But if you can teach them generally how to respond to bad behavior, I do think it ultimately helps them deal with that. DSS is now 12 and he seems to have really realized his mom's limitations in the last year or so. I do think that us stepping out of it, never telling him what to think but always telling him the facts that he asks and letting him make up his own mind - all that gave him the space to really assess her behavior with somewhat objective eyes.

It's a marathon not a sprint, and things won't get easier just after a couple good-bad cycles. But I do think equipping the kids early on with the skills they need will really pay off once they're preteens or teens and they start pulling away from both parents anyway.

[Stepping lightly]

I think the most important thing is that BF's son feels taken care of by a parent, even if it is just one.  Him being sick and his dad taking good care of him, and you pitching in but maintaining the requested barrier- is all really good stuff. 

Things we have told the kids, " I will always be here if you need me", "you are always welcome here, this is your home".   We try to counter the inbalance/instability of the PD but letting them know that no matter what, we aren't going anywhere.  On our end, BM has told DSS (when he was 7) to get out of her house because he asked her to stop saying nasty things about DH.  There are going to be really tough days, but it's important that he understand that although you may not like his behavior at times,  he is still loved very much. 

Definitely do not do B*tch sessions, that will only backfire on you in the long and short term.  Never say anything negative about BM- if son starts opening up about what is happening, validate his feelings, "I'm really sorry that is happening", "what do you do when that happens", "what are some ways that we can think of to handle some of this challenging situations?".  My DSS was being manipulated by BM into emotional outbursts so that she could get him diagnosed as mental ill (yeah, read that again...).  She would accuse DSS of doing something he didn't do and apply a ridiculous punishment for it.  He would refuse because he was innocent of the infraction, and BM would continue to push him and push him until he was out of control upset.  We had a lot of talks with him about managing our emotions when faced with someone that is in a very different emotional state.  We gave benign examples, like if someone comes in screaming and crying, you don't have to start screaming and crying; stay calm and try to understand what is going on.  He learned, and now he does it!  He told us "Mom screams at me sometimes and when I don't react she gets  even more mad and calls me apathetic", he rolled his eyes and went back to reading his book.

I try to think of how I felt as a child,  "what would make me feel secure?", "what would make me feel loved?", "what would reduce my anxiety in this situation?". 

[athene1399]

I think it's also important to show that you love them unconditionally (which is basically what everyone is saying). The kids do not get the unconditional love with the PD parent. It's looking that now with the ex, someone bioM's mom has moved in and he is now second best. That's the conditional love. I love you until I get bored or x happens and catches my attention. The non parent needs to be the opposite of that. They need to be the calm in the storm too.

Validating son's feelings are very important. he's going through a lot and probably doesn't know how to express it well or even talk about it. Help him work though it. help him pinpoint who he can talk to if he wants to. Is there a school counselor he can chat with if needed? stuff like that.