Yelling issue

[Findingstrength729]

Idk if hubby is PD or not, but regardless we are in a BAD cycle.  He yells at the time and refuses to discuss issues of importance, like money. We don't spend time together.   He always has an excuse.   If things go to hell (as they often do) it's always someone else's fault.   If the kids would do their chores, if I wouldn't spend money, if this, if that.   The stupid cat, the stupid dog.   I'm ready to throw it ALL away.   

My teenager keeps telling me She can't take it anymore.   She doesn't want to be around him.   I'd divorce in a heart beat, but I'm in a 50/50 state.  I don't want our children with him without me.   When I'm home, I can do damage control and shut him down from
Yelling.   But even that is upsetting.   When I'm not home, I have to comfort my children because daddy yelled at them.


I do think if he would take some anger management classes or parenting classes he'd benefit.   If he'd agree to seeing a marriage counselor it isn't such a big issue that it can't be worked out, he just won't listen.   I'd hate to throw away an almost 15 year marriage for something small.   Our youngest child is only 1 and the thought of staying together without any change "for the kids" is miserable.  I'm just tired of making excuses for his behavior.   It's always someone else's fault, not his own.   Everything! 

[Penny Lane]

Hi Finding Strength,
This sounds like a hard way to live, for you and for the kids.

What do you want to do here?

What do you want your life to look like in five years? Is it more likely if you stay, or if you leave?

If you were to leave, what would you need to do to get ready? Sometimes it helps me to think through a plan even if I don't ultimately follow through with it.

I will say, spending 50% of the time with a dad who yells at them and behaves like he does, that's not ideal. But your kids would also have 50% of the time in a house with no yelling. Right now they spend no time in a house with no yelling. I think it could be really good for the kids to experience what life is like, PD-free, even if only for half the time.

You sound exhausted and stressed, and I'm sorry for that. I hope things have gotten better since you posted.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

I agree with Penny Lane on this one.  I did have a small success with my current uOCPDh.  I basically told him that I wasn't going to be around when he was yelling and I followed through.  He got mad but he knew why I would just leave for the evening when he was having a tantrum.  And it has almost stopped completely.  Not that he's a joy to hang around in his negativity now but the yelling has stopped.  I also just didn't engage, AT ALL, just got up and left.  It really only took a couple of times.  But with a yeller you have to judge how dangerous this approach is.  If he's likely to get violent, you may want to take more of a MC approach. 

Beware though, they can turn to passive aggressiveness and snarky comments to get their point across as well. 

[Whiteheron]

I will say, spending 50% of the time with a dad who yells at them and behaves like he does, that's not ideal. But your kids would also have 50% of the time in a house with no yelling. Right now they spend no time in a house with no yelling. I think it could be really good for the kids to experience what life is like, PD-free, even if only for half the time.

This is what I held on to as I was debating whether or not to leave or stick it out. I could see the kids needed peace and space to just be. They were (are) at an age where they are trying to figure out who they are and their place in this world, and the constant PD control and antics only prevented this.

The kids love the peace at my house. DS has mentioned several times that he can finally relax when he comes back to my home. It pains me to let them go to stbx's house, knowing there will be manipulation and games. But they come back, readjust and get to be themselves.

My stbs was put on meds for bipolar - it tamped down his anger some, but the need to manipulate and control were still there. So while not getting yelled at as much, he was still awful to live with. He was also in T to work on himself, but since he sees he has nothing wrong, he basically used it as a form of supply.

[Findingstrength729]

I was taking to my therapist about the issue (it just so happened that my oldest was texting me about dad yelling).   She gave me another perspective.   My response has been to basically (unintentionally) undermine him and/or throw him under the bus.   Ie: "I'm sorry" and then text him to quit yelling at our kids.   Another time he was really frustrated with our middle and said "well idk she doesn't act like that for me.....".

I'll be honest, it was a hard conversation because on one side the anger and crap he's built up is obnoxious.   He needs to get it in line.   Yet, at the same time from my upbringing growing up in total dysfunction, I am not exactly the most supportive wife at times.   

It feels like a fine line between everything.   I've been in a very toxic position at work.   We each have a lot of resentments towards each other.   But I'm trying to press the reset button.  The toxic work environment carried home with me.   My mood has been so down in the dumps, depressed I don't want to do anything.   And I'm taking it out on him.  I just don't know how much is enough.