Sucks to be them

[Pepin]

Today I woke up thinking about all the PDs in my life and how really sad it is to be them.  All of them have been through some sort of trauma and "chose" not to do any inner work.  These traumas include death of a family member, war, divorce, emotional abuse.  How it is that they arrived at the decisions they have chosen for themselves on how to behave seems *absurd* to me.  The lack of awareness and place of narrow mindedness these PDs operate from is both disturbing and sad.  What a way to live and treat those around them.  Their hurt goes unchecked and they destroy people and relationships wherever they go - and generally get away with it.

And the flying monkeys that support these PDs....how sad for them, too being treated like puppets.  Again, what a way to live. 

I cringe when I think about trading places with these people and what it would feel like walking in their shoes.  How must it feel to constantly be devising new ways to undercut other people?  How must it feel to behave from a place of helplessness and not do anything good for one's self?  How can they not want to seek answers about how they feel and what their behavior means? 

I'm just incredibly baffled for them.  What a sad, empty way to exist - yet they can't and won't stop. 

[Poison Ivy]

By the end of my NPD former father-in-law's life, I still did not forgive him, but I pitied him.  He alienated all his children to some extent; my ex-husband was there for his dad but it was an enmeshed relationship.  The other children did not make a point of seeing their dad when he was very ill in the year before he died. I didn't blame them.  He reaped what he sowed.

[blues_cruise]

I cringe when I think about trading places with these people and what it would feel like walking in their shoes.  How must it feel to constantly be devising new ways to undercut other people?  How must it feel to behave from a place of helplessness and not do anything good for one's self?  How can they not want to seek answers about how they feel and what their behavior means? 

I'm just incredibly baffled for them.  What a sad, empty way to exist - yet they can't and won't stop.

Yes, I agree, "baffled" is exactly how I feel about it. I just don't understand how people choose to live their lives like that and feed off other people's discomfort while living a life of delusion. It's so self-destructive because people with any kind of self worth are naturally going to distance themselves from those who mistreat them, and because they create such a fantasy world I think PD people are genuinely in denial about why this happens.

[athene1399]

I agree. Especially when it feels they create their own chaos, then complain about the chaos. It doesn't make sense. It feels like they create the chaos so they can complain to get supply.

I've worked so hard on my fleas and bad learned behaviors and trauma reactions. I know there is much more that needs to be done, but I couldn't imagine pretending everything with me is fine. Or pretending the self-work is done. Especially if it's at the expense of others.

I'm not sure if I do pity them. I find myself wanting someone to blame. Have they not found the correct T yet? Are they just not doing the self-work? I just want to understand why.

I don't mind the flying monkeys. They can be irritating, but I feel I can wrap my head around why they are flying monkeys.

And sometimes I think it just depends on my mood and how I am handling everything.

[mdana]

Personality  disorders are so complex.
I think that's why their behaviors are so difficult to understand. 

I also believe that it's not always an issue of not wanting to change. Some (if not many or most) lack the capacity to change. Their ability to self reflect is so limited to begin with, that they don't see why they need to change, let alone have the ego strength, coping  skills, empathy for others, impulse control, reasoning ability,  etc... .  Their growth is stunted and somewhere along the line they formed maladaptive  ways of seeing and being in the world. Some of it is neurological too.

I spent a lifetime being angry at the PDs in my life. Angry because I felt that if I could change, why not them.  Then I realized, not everyone can (even if they have the will).

That's been my experience with the 3PDs  in my life (my mom, my exh, and my daughter).

M

M

[1footouttadefog]

When I ponder these things a certain question inevitably comes to mind.

What came first the chicken or the egg.

Do the of people become pd due to trauma etc or are they already PD and react to and heal or not differently due to being PD?

[Pepin]

When I ponder these things a certain question inevitably comes to mind.

What came first the chicken or the egg.

Do the of people become pd due to trauma etc or are they already PD and react to and heal or not differently due to being PD?

The PDs I know all have unresolved trauma...instead of choosing self care, they decide to lash out at the world.  They just never had that lightbulb moment to get them Out of the FOG.