Drama queen strikes again

[Phoenix Rising]

Well BIL's wife (BILW) supposedly caught the stomach flu so MIL has cancelled my birthday dinner in its entirety. Says we will have it this spring... my birthday is tomorrow.  Usually birthdays are not a big deal but without revealing my age, it's a new decade

It went from a dinner with just my husband, MIL/FIL and I to including BIL/BILW and their kids.  Adapted to that... ok more people to celebrate with *anxiety*

Then we switched restaurants because of BILW's "stomach problems"  My husband and I opted not to say anything about the restaurant change to them.

Now it's nothing at all. I stopped making plans when MIL said she was doing this .. now it is too late to travel to another region and celebrate with friends (trains sold out). Could still go out with my husband for dinner but that's not exactly what I wanted to do for the milestone in the first place.

Atm, I find myself blaming myself for getting excited at all and for feeling upset. Like it was a nice thing they were doing but it feels like BILW hijacked everything and MIL just bends over. I know I could try to make the best of it but I'm still like  right now

[WinterStar]

Well BIL's wife (BILW) supposedly caught the stomach flu so MIL has cancelled my birthday dinner in its entirety. Says we will have it this spring... my birthday is tomorrow.  Usually birthdays are not a big deal but without revealing my age, it's a new decade

It went from a dinner with just my husband, MIL/FIL and I to including BIL/BILW and their kids.  Adapted to that... ok more people to celebrate with *anxiety*

Then we switched restaurants because of BILW's "stomach problems"  My husband and I opted not to say anything about the restaurant change to them.

Now it's nothing at all. I stopped making plans when MIL said she was doing this .. now it is too late to travel to another region and celebrate with friends (trains sold out). Could still go out with my husband for dinner but that's not exactly what I wanted to do for the milestone in the first place.

Atm, I find myself blaming myself for getting excited at all and for feeling upset. Like it was a nice thing they were doing but it feels like BILW hijacked everything and MIL just bends over. I know I could try to make the best of it but I'm still like  right now

Wait, why in the world would your birthday dinner need to be canceled because someone who wasn't originally invited got sick? Can you say to your MIL, "I'm sorry BILW isn't well. I hope she recovers soon! As far as my birthday dinner goes, husband and I are going to the restaurant I originally picked and would love to see you there!"?

Also, your BILW definitely has a PD. No normal person would even want someone else's birthday dinner to get cancelled because they got sick. I mean, no normal person would want to change the restaurant of someone else's birthday dinner, so I guess this isn't a huge surprise.

[Phoenix Rising]

Well BIL's wife (BILW) supposedly caught the stomach flu so MIL has cancelled my birthday dinner in its entirety. Says we will have it this spring... my birthday is tomorrow.  Usually birthdays are not a big deal but without revealing my age, it's a new decade

It went from a dinner with just my husband, MIL/FIL and I to including BIL/BILW and their kids.  Adapted to that... ok more people to celebrate with *anxiety*

Then we switched restaurants because of BILW's "stomach problems"  My husband and I opted not to say anything about the restaurant change to them.

Now it's nothing at all. I stopped making plans when MIL said she was doing this .. now it is too late to travel to another region and celebrate with friends (trains sold out). Could still go out with my husband for dinner but that's not exactly what I wanted to do for the milestone in the first place.

Atm, I find myself blaming myself for getting excited at all and for feeling upset. Like it was a nice thing they were doing but it feels like BILW hijacked everything and MIL just bends over. I know I could try to make the best of it but I'm still like  right now

Wait, why in the world would your birthday dinner need to be canceled because someone who wasn't originally invited got sick? Can you say to your MIL, "I'm sorry BILW isn't well. I hope she recovers soon! As far as my birthday dinner goes, husband and I are going to the restaurant I originally picked and would love to see you there!"?

Also, your BILW definitely has a PD. No normal person would even want someone else's birthday dinner to get cancelled because they got sick. I mean, no normal person would want to change the restaurant of someone else's birthday dinner, so I guess this isn't a huge surprise.

Man! I have no idea at all. I've been sitting here wondering what the heck I did and why any "normal" person would do this to someone else? I shouldn't let other people or their actions dictate how I feel about myself but I'm feeling pretty damn bad. It's really confusing.

Btw, the ILs have no empathy at all about this and now I'm wondering if MIL is PD too... she spoiled the surprise then her and BILW pretty much controlled every aspect including the cancellation. DH and I took a long shot and told them that I felt hurt about what they did. They moved their "offer" for coffee on Friday to on my actual birthday now. Feels really insulting.

[WinterStar]

Man! I have no idea at all. I've been sitting here wondering what the heck I did and why any "normal" person would do this to someone else? I shouldn't let other people or their actions dictate how I feel about myself but I'm feeling pretty damn bad. It's really confusing.

Btw, the ILs have no empathy at all about this and now I'm wondering if MIL is PD too... she spoiled the surprise then her and BILW pretty much controlled every aspect including the cancellation. DH and I took a long shot and told them that I felt hurt about what they did. They moved their "offer" for coffee on Friday to on my actual birthday now. Feels really insulting.

Oh yuck. I'd feel insulted too. If it were me, I would say I didn't really want to do coffee, thanks. I used to spend a lot of time on compromise and trying to be the reasonable one. I'm done. I'm going to politely say what I want, and if they want to believe that's unreasonable, okay. And there's just no compromising with PDs because they don't really want compromise. They're just trying to get you to do what they want you to do and are willing to make it look like they're accommodating (by giving you something different that you also don't want) in order to close the deal. No thanks, I say.

I don't get why your MIL would do this either. Why does she care so much about what BILW wants to do? And I thought it was weird to begin with that she would invite BIL, W and kids along to your birthday dinner without talking with you about it first. Some people are just very open and inclusive with plans, so I had hoped it was that, but it could be a sign of an empathy deficit and possible PD.

[Phoenix Rising]

Man! I have no idea at all. I've been sitting here wondering what the heck I did and why any "normal" person would do this to someone else? I shouldn't let other people or their actions dictate how I feel about myself but I'm feeling pretty damn bad. It's really confusing.

Btw, the ILs have no empathy at all about this and now I'm wondering if MIL is PD too... she spoiled the surprise then her and BILW pretty much controlled every aspect including the cancellation. DH and I took a long shot and told them that I felt hurt about what they did. They moved their "offer" for coffee on Friday to on my actual birthday now. Feels really insulting.

Oh yuck. I'd feel insulted too. If it were me, I would say I didn't really want to do coffee, thanks. I used to spend a lot of time on compromise and trying to be the reasonable one. I'm done. I'm going to politely say what I want, and if they want to believe that's unreasonable, okay. And there's just no compromising with PDs because they don't really want compromise. They're just trying to get you to do what they want you to do and are willing to make it look like they're accommodating (by giving you something different that you also don't want) in order to close the deal. No thanks, I say.

I don't get why your MIL would do this either. Why does she care so much about what BILW wants to do? And I thought it was weird to begin with that she would invite BIL, W and kids along to your birthday dinner without talking with you about it first. Some people are just very open and inclusive with plans, so I had hoped it was that, but it could be a sign of an empathy deficit and possible PD.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.. as in taking the offer for coffee. Feels like I've been thrown a scrap or something. DH has taken the position that they are "trying" but he's not really getting it. He suggested we all sit down and talk about it    I'm all for communication but if they haven't understood this far then what will come from that?

When the rest of them were invited, it was more of a "oh, so and so are coming too now, is that OK?" I guess I should have just been honest and said no but it was like one of those situations where you're boxed in a corner. MIL is quite aloof and has boundary issues but I am unsure at this point about whether it is deliberate or not. For instance, there was a time we were all together and DH reminded MIL twice to speak English so I could understand. Everyone else was speaking English but she kept speaking in her language. Her English is good, English programmes are on TV here and she studying nursing using English textbooks.

There are many examples I could share but its hard to tell if she's just being a stereotypical MIL or if its something else. The all or nothing in this situation is a bit concerning. Makes me wonder about her motives in the first place and if there was ever a genuine interest or if it was being done for appearances.

[candy]

I've been reading your other recent thread - and I agree something is quite off about BILW, especially the part about the orange pop 

At all other incidents I first thought, wow,  I can see two things happening here:
1 ) BILW really is a entitled nutjob
2 ) BIL and MIL use BILW as an excuse for things they didn't properly plan themselves.
E.g. IL's forgot to book a table at the steak restaurant, then invited BIL, his wife and kids and layed the blame for the switch of restaurants on BILW's stomach 
Something alike I can imagine concerning the last minute cancellation that just happened.

Either way your MIL plays a part in this, I'd assume. She could be putting the blame on BILW, resisting to be responsible for her actions (it was MIL who cancelled, wasn't it?), or she could be triangulating, or enabling BILW's PD behavior. This is a choice of your MIL.

Have you contacted BILW directly? Maybe you could have asked directly if she did mind the four of you going on your own, given that she was sick  ?

I personally would probably step back from all offers and shaky compromises that follow and just do my birthday my way 

I wish you will have a wonderful day celebrating the new decade!

[WinterStar]

DH has taken the position that they are "trying" but he's not really getting it. He suggested we all sit down and talk about it    I'm all for communication but if they haven't understood this far then what will come from that?

It feels like you have been thrown a scrap because you have been thrown a scrap. And you were boxed into a corner with the extra invited people; I mean, I wouldn't say, "Hey, I know you already invited BIL and W, but un-invite them. Kay, thanks."

For what it's worth, I don't think what your MIL and BILW are doing is trying. My husband has the same blind spot. I have a different post about my MIL sending me an email congratulating me on being pregnant with, as she put it, "my grandson," offering to come help us when he's born with the emphasis on seeing her grandson. My husband is very encouraged by her offer to help and the email in general. But the email is all about her and her experiences being pregnant and her coming to see her grandson. Nothing about what we might want or need. This really bothers me.

[Leonor]

Hello, welcome and happy birthday!

I must say I read your post, took a deep breath and thought, dang, she's goooood ... In a horrible way, of course!

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that the major problem here is mil. It sounds to me like she's got all of the men in her orbit dancing like puppets while casting pity and blame among the younger generation of women, namely you and bilw. I'm going to guess that your dh is the "good son" and bil is the not-so-good son who constantly needs attention either on his own or vis-a-vis his "poor" wife. Even if bil and bilw are sources of complaint from your mil, she's favoring them because they are so easily manipulated into creating situations that further her interests.

And her main interest is getting *your dh* back into her orbit. There's just one problem: you. If you exist, then mil is no longer the woman in his life. So out you must go.

First, mil has no issue with joining her grown son and his adult wife to celebrate your birthday. That's weird. Most adult couples do not invite parents along as if they themselves were children and mom and dad were taking them out for ice cream. Most parents send a nice card or flowers or something small but respectful. They don't get all up in plans. Your mil is edging herself into your plans so that the center of dh's attention is not entirely on *you*.

Second, normal parents of adult children certainly do not invite anyone else along -- with or without your express consent. That would not occur to normal people. Maybe they make separate plans, or invite the entire family over on an entirely different day for an entirely different reason. But they certainly don't cancel yours! This is mil pushing you from the center of attention to the periphery, so that dh is paying more attention to her (or to what she's saying about bil and bilw, which is the same thing) than to *you*.

Finally, they do not change or cancel plans for your birthday to accommodate anyone else, let alone people they have invited along! This is mil, in effect, erasing your birthday. Now the center of attention is not on you at all! Everyone's attention is directed towards your mil, vis-a-vis bil and bilw. Now it's "Look at what I want you to look at! And look at how caring and wonderful I am being about it!"

Now you get the lame "come over for coffee" nonsense. If you don't go, and do not celebrate your birthday with dh, or do so while feeling upset, mil wins! After all, she has been trying *so hard*, right? It's you who is being difficult. You are being selfish and ungrateful. You are not being a team player or supporting your dh's relationship with his family. Unlike bilw, who may have her struggles but is  team mil!

Now let's say you *do* go. MIL for the win ... again! You have been ignored, marginalized and erased. Now you get to watch dh be literally sucked back into mil's central space of power: his childhood home, which is ruled by ... mil! No doubt she'll cluck and fuss all over dh while forgetting whether or not you asked for cream or sugar in your coffee or not.

That's why I said she was goooood. Your mil is a master, and you are going to have to up your game, girl. Take this round as a lesson. First, blow out your birthday celebration. Get on that train. Go to a fancy restaurant. Get a full day spa treatment. Go BIG.

Second, do not allow ils to ever, ever get up in your plans with dh. Even if it's his birthday. If he wants to see them, fine, but on a different day that best suits you. Your special days are now YOUR special days. No more chaperoning from the ils.

Lastly, do not ever, ever expect anything from the ils. You will set yourself up for deep disappointment. Don't get sad. Get mad! You are a grown woman and the ruler of your roost and the queen of your king. You *allow* them to be a part of your family's life, not the other way around.

We are on Team Ingenting!! You got this. Get on that train. Meet your girlfriends. Get a spa. Buy yourself fancy lingerie. And then come home ready to enamour your man all over again!

[NumbLotus]

I love the idea of "winning" this with an EVEN BETTER BIRTHDAY.

"Oh yeah, actually not doing the dinner after all worked out really well, because there was a much better restaurant anyway, plus we got to do X and Y too! So that worked out perfectly; we had an amazing time!"

[Phoenix Rising]

I've been reading your other recent thread - and I agree something is quite off about BILW, especially the part about the orange pop 

At all other incidents I first thought, wow,  I can see two things happening here:
1 ) BILW really is a entitled nutjob
2 ) BIL and MIL use BILW as an excuse for things they didn't properly plan themselves.
E.g. IL's forgot to book a table at the steak restaurant, then invited BIL, his wife and kids and layed the blame for the switch of restaurants on BILW's stomach 
Something alike I can imagine concerning the last minute cancellation that just happened.

Either way your MIL plays a part in this, I'd assume. She could be putting the blame on BILW, resisting to be responsible for her actions (it was MIL who cancelled, wasn't it?), or she could be triangulating, or enabling BILW's PD behavior. This is a choice of your MIL.

Have you contacted BILW directly? Maybe you could have asked directly if she did mind the four of you going on your own, given that she was sick  ?

I personally would probably step back from all offers and shaky compromises that follow and just do my birthday my way 

I wish you will have a wonderful day celebrating the new decade!

Yeah! I always got this vibe off her but couldn't put my finger on it. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. DH opened up last night even more and told me how she stole money from his parents but only BIL, DH and her know about it. So all these little things adding up just affirms that I need to have some strategies for whenever I have to deal with her.

BIL wasn't involved in this, originally thr planning was just between DH, FIL and MIL. However, MIL lacks boundaries and blabs a lot and DH thinks that BILW invited herself or MIL tried to turn it into a family event that became dependant on whether the needs to BILW and kids would be met and if they would come. Agree 100% that MIL plays a big part in this and after this happening, I kind of want to implement some strategies to use with her as well.

The funny thing is... BILW and I do not have a relationship. We have some things in common like both being parents but it stops there. She has been nice to my face and everything but we have never clicked I guess the way two people would if they met and discovered common interests. We don't live in the same town, have each others numbers or Facebook (and I kind of prefer now to keep it that way).

At this point, I have no interest im being around any of them. Tonight will be for me and DH and I am content with that. Nothing is worse than having to be around people who don't have your best interests at heart. Thanks for the well wishes!! 

[Phoenix Rising]

DH has taken the position that they are "trying" but he's not really getting it. He suggested we all sit down and talk about it    I'm all for communication but if they haven't understood this far then what will come from that?

It feels like you have been thrown a scrap because you have been thrown a scrap. And you were boxed into a corner with the extra invited people; I mean, I wouldn't say, "Hey, I know you already invited BIL and W, but un-invite them. Kay, thanks."

For what it's worth, I don't think what your MIL and BILW are doing is trying. My husband has the same blind spot. I have a different post about my MIL sending me an email congratulating me on being pregnant with, as she put it, "my grandson," offering to come help us when he's born with the emphasis on seeing her grandson. My husband is very encouraged by her offer to help and the email in general. But the email is all about her and her experiences being pregnant and her coming to see her grandson. Nothing about what we might want or need. This really bothers me.

Really appreciate the validation, needed that cause I've been stuck in thinking I did something wrong or that I am overreacting.

I would be bothered by that too. Your MIL made it all about her while making it seem like she was being super generous and helpful. Really easy for your husband to be fooled by that. I'm glad you see through it. I tried explaining my feelings again to my husband and I think he gets it now that  1)MIL crossed many boundaries, 2) the whole offer for coffee for example was not trying and 3) the dinner fiasco became more about BILW and grandkids than about me or my birthday.

[Phoenix Rising]

Hello, welcome and happy birthday!

I must say I read your post, took a deep breath and thought, dang, she's goooood ... In a horrible way, of course!

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that the major problem here is mil. It sounds to me like she's got all of the men in her orbit dancing like puppets while casting pity and blame among the younger generation of women, namely you and bilw. I'm going to guess that your dh is the "good son" and bil is the not-so-good son who constantly needs attention either on his own or vis-a-vis his "poor" wife. Even if bil and bilw are sources of complaint from your mil, she's favoring them because they are so easily manipulated into creating situations that further her interests.

And her main interest is getting *your dh* back into her orbit. There's just one problem: you. If you exist, then mil is no longer the woman in his life. So out you must go.

First, mil has no issue with joining her grown son and his adult wife to celebrate your birthday. That's weird. Most adult couples do not invite parents along as if they themselves were children and mom and dad were taking them out for ice cream. Most parents send a nice card or flowers or something small but respectful. They don't get all up in plans. Your mil is edging herself into your plans so that the center of dh's attention is not entirely on *you*.

Second, normal parents of adult children certainly do not invite anyone else along -- with or without your express consent. That would not occur to normal people. Maybe they make separate plans, or invite the entire family over on an entirely different day for an entirely different reason. But they certainly don't cancel yours! This is mil pushing you from the center of attention to the periphery, so that dh is paying more attention to her (or to what she's saying about bil and bilw, which is the same thing) than to *you*.

Finally, they do not change or cancel plans for your birthday to accommodate anyone else, let alone people they have invited along! This is mil, in effect, erasing your birthday. Now the center of attention is not on you at all! Everyone's attention is directed towards your mil, vis-a-vis bil and bilw. Now it's "Look at what I want you to look at! And look at how caring and wonderful I am being about it!"

Now you get the lame "come over for coffee" nonsense. If you don't go, and do not celebrate your birthday with dh, or do so while feeling upset, mil wins! After all, she has been trying *so hard*, right? It's you who is being difficult. You are being selfish and ungrateful. You are not being a team player or supporting your dh's relationship with his family. Unlike bilw, who may have her struggles but is  team mil!

Now let's say you *do* go. MIL for the win ... again! You have been ignored, marginalized and erased. Now you get to watch dh be literally sucked back into mil's central space of power: his childhood home, which is ruled by ... mil! No doubt she'll cluck and fuss all over dh while forgetting whether or not you asked for cream or sugar in your coffee or not.

That's why I said she was goooood. Your mil is a master, and you are going to have to up your game, girl. Take this round as a lesson. First, blow out your birthday celebration. Get on that train. Go to a fancy restaurant. Get a full day spa treatment. Go BIG.

Second, do not allow ils to ever, ever get up in your plans with dh. Even if it's his birthday. If he wants to see them, fine, but on a different day that best suits you. Your special days are now YOUR special days. No more chaperoning from the ils.

Lastly, do not ever, ever expect anything from the ils. You will set yourself up for deep disappointment. Don't get sad. Get mad! You are a grown woman and the ruler of your roost and the queen of your king. You *allow* them to be a part of your family's life, not the other way around.

We are on Team Ingenting!! You got this. Get on that train. Meet your girlfriends. Get a spa. Buy yourself fancy lingerie. And then come home ready to enamour your man all over again!

Hi, thanks so much! 

I agree with you that MIL is a problem here. Just like with BILW, there are these little things that are adding up about MIL. Your post really got me thinking about how MIL always tries to control where we all sit at dinner. I always have to sit beside her and she always must sit in front of DH for example. So what you're saying makes a lot of sense. It's kinda sad cause DH is 40 and doesn't need mothering from anyone.

I'm definitely not going to let this happen again and DH won't let them plan anything for his.. he has stopped letting people do that decades ago cause he feels like it becomes more about making other people comfortable than about a genuine interest to celebrate his day or do things his way for thay day.

We are going out tonight and I'm going to take lots of pics and post them on IG for MIL to see and seethe over