Does anyone else have anxiety/OCD?

[Blackbird11]

I have had anxiety and OCD all of my life. I've usually been able to keep it in check for many years just through talk therapy/diet/exercise, but as I wrote on here a few weeks ago I had to go out and get some additional help.

The stress of dealing with my uPDh compounded and I had panic attacks and OCD spikes combined for days. It's definitely reduced in severity now but I'm starting to ramp back up again (not surprising given now I'm pushing the divorce process forward).

The tough part is that now is the time I wish I had a partner or family member who could help me emotionally and with my kid while I manage this. Unfortunately I'm on my own for the most part. Trying to stay strong.

Just curious if anyone else goes through something similar. I have some medication to take if needed but actually ran out and waiting until the doctor can refill.

Also - a lot of people think OCD is just handwashing, being overly clean/organized.  My version of OCD is all mental rituals (sometimes called Pure O). It can be very debilitating. PS. A lot of people have Pure O but don't know they have it. I didn't know for 20 years! 

[Poison Ivy]

I have anxiety.  I can recall things that happened when I was very young (5 or 6) that indicate to me I have had it my whole life.  I can talk about it with my adult children and my siblings (we are all afflicted, to some extent) and one coworker, although I try to not dwell on it with anyone.  Because I too think I need to be the strong one!  My ex-husband is useless as a support.  He has been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD but never sticks with treatment long enough for the treatment to stick or be something he can turn into self-care once the therapists are out of the picture. 

I'm having a medical diagnostic procedure done this morning.  I'm very anxious about what might be found.  The only person I've told is my coworker.  She is a close enough friend to understand and sympathize but doesn't tend to flip out about medical things, as my family does.  So I've been in "trying to be strong" mode for a week.  I'll give you an update about what happens to my anxiety after the procedure.

I had some OC tendencies when I was in high school, but they were probably a symptom of the eating disorder I had at the time.  I haven't been overly obsessive or compulsive about things for many years now.  Definitely still very anxious, though.

[Blackbird11]

Poison Im so sorry you are affected by anxiety as well. Same boat here - it goes as far back as I can remember but of course I didn't realize how far back until recently.

I get health anxiety and OCD thoughts so I understand how procedures and checkups can be nerve wracking. Good thing you have a calm coworker who you can confide in. One of my good friends is literally unbothered by anything and is the polar opposite from
me. I have symptoms and I think the worst, then I call her and she tells me to calm
down  If I tell my mom she starts freaking out and scares the living hell out of me. Needless to say I don't share that kind of stuff with her too often.

Sending you hugs and strength. Will check back for your update!!!

[BeautifulCrazy]

Oh Blackbird!! I am having very similar problems!
I have managed my OCD my entire life with a good degree of success. I have done CBT about once per decade since my teens and, except in periods of very high stress or anxiety, I have rarely had symtoms that negatively impacted my daily life.
But right now (preparing to leave my uPDh) my OCD (and c-PTSD) symptoms are redlining!! I am spending an increasing amount of time and energy on both mental and physical rituals and it is killing to my productivity and self esteem. It's a horrible cycle of anxiety about my OCD symptoms, causing more OCD symptoms, causing more anxiety about my OCD symptoms, causing more OCD symptoms.... ugh.
I have never used any medication to help but I have been thinking about it the past couple weeks. Any advice would be very appreciated!!

~BC

[xredshoesx]

i'm a checker/ list maker and did a lot of repetitive counting as well as a child, esp counting where food was involved.  i've been on medication once and it was super helpful in getting me through a really bad patch at work.  the other time i was at my worst (when ex and i were officially breaking up) it got bad to the point where i needed to plan about an extra hour and a half in order to leave because i was using my checkings to balance out being overwhelmed by the truth that i had let myself be abused for 6 years....

i've had several jobs where checking was an asset and that has helped too because i get the amount i need but it's for a purpose and i'm not going back inside 20 times to make sure the stove is off.  i've been working on weaning myself off of list making but it still happens when i get stressed. 

what i now understand with the help of my last T was that this was my way of exerting some small measure of control over my life as a child and it's been a journey learning how to live and not let it rule my live.  it takes a lot of courage to speak on it and to break the taboo-/ stereotypes and i'm glad you started this thread.

[Poison Ivy]

Anxiety update:  It was at a very controllable level during the medical procedure.  I get very anxious but I also have a lot of self-control. They might actually go together, right? I spend a lot of time in my head, and I've learned a lot about myself and my typical feelings and responses over the years.

And I'm very relieved to report that my doctor already got back to me and I don't have any of the alarming conditions that he and I were concerned about.
So now, I'm trying to tell myself, hey, take a break from worrying for at least a day!

[NumbLotus]

WONDERFUL that you are cleared of the worrying medical issue(s), and you are DONE with the procedure!

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, NumbLotus!

[Spygirl]

Veryhappy to hear you are getting help.

I have OCD and anxiety  as well.

I had a nervous breakdown. Had to see a shrink after i fled my marital home. I learned my OCD was a lifelong coping mechanism to deal with the anxiety and stress of a violent upbringing. This upbringing is also why i settled on my pdexh.

My OCD is also rituals. Control of my enviroment, i learned.  Harmless things like daily breakfast stop, same order, same route to wk, ect. That fell away as my situation has calmed and settled.

For the anxiety,  i learned to sing the ABC song out loud. It cuts off the tailspin. You cant think about anything but the song. It really helped alot.

I am 9 months divorced now, and 3000 miles away from my ex and former life. It really does get better. You just have to keep pushing forward and think of no one but yourself and the welfare of your child. The people who count will not abandon or belittle you. As for everyone else, including family, if they are not supportive at this time, step away from them too. You lose little, and gain peace for now. You need that. Youll make it, i have faith in you. You already did the hardest part. Keep going.

[Poison Ivy]

I mentioned above that I told one coworker about my health issue.  On one hand, I'm glad that she was willing to listen; on the other, I was a little bothered that after getting back a generally good result from the diagnostic procedure, she said, "See, I told you you shouldn't worry."  That statement felt kind of demeaning and dismissive.  How do other people (on this forum) who have anxiety feel when their worries are minimized by others?

[NumbLotus]

Your coworker was fishing for "you were right" feed.

[Poison Ivy]

Good point, NumbLotus.  I didn't say that to her. But I will still be supportive of her when she shares her woes with me.

[NumbLotus]

And of course you didn't need to say it to her. Her being supportive of you should have been about you and not about getting a pat on her back.

[Poison Ivy]

I appreciate lots of people on this forum, and you are one of them, NumbLotus.  Thank you for being here (even though I wish  your life was such that you didn't need the forum; welcome to the club that no one wants to be a member of!).

[Blackbird11]

Poison Ivy: SO HAPPY to hear! Glad you can relax a bit now. NumbLotus - woah! I didn't even think about the coworker trying to fish for feed, but that's a good point! Poison - good for you for not giving it to her! That's something to be careful of - people who are willing and even encouraging you to open up to them. ::SHUDDER:: I've fallen into that before.

BeautifulCrazy - I relate to everything you are describing! We are in very similar boats. I actually just started some CBT therapy too. And while I'm on an "as per needed" low dose med for any panic attacks that may pop up, I'm also on a daily low dose SSRI. I actually wish I could go higher in the dosage but I tried and got some  side effects (this happens to me a lot with all kinds of medication - I'm just a sensitive person, which seems to be a thing among fellow OCDers I'm seeing!). If you're interested in learning more, I recommend finding a highly rated/legit doctor (because some of them are just wacky) so you can look into it. Better to start low and work your way up if needed. Although - before I had my kid I also got really into meditation and exercise and that worked WONDERS. It was the first time in years that my OCD symptoms just stopped. If you can do both regularly, that might be the best first step. Another thing - there's a bunch of OTC supplements that have been shown to help with anxiety. I think the IOCD foundation has the list. I've been taking NAC and it doesn't seem to hurt - I hope that it's helping. Not sure yet.

RedShoes: Thank you for responding and sorry you've got it too, but at least we're not alone! I used to be terrified to speak to anyone about it - even my own therapist! I used to do some checking as a kid (and the needing control thing tracks 100%) but as I got older it transitioned into the scary thoughts and I legitimately thought there was something terrible going on in my brain. Then YEARS later I discovered it was OCD. What an ah ha moment! It still took me until this year to fill my family in on the OCD part, but now they know and it actually has been very liberating. There are so many websites and initiatives aimed at spreading awareness and breaking the stigma now too - it is very inspiring.

SpyGirl: This resonates with me so much. My heart goes out to you!!!!

I learned my OCD was a lifelong coping mechanism to deal with the anxiety and stress of a violent upbringing. This upbringing is also why i settled on my pdexh.

I think what happened to me over the holidays was close to a breakdown, if not actually one. I was terrified that something horrible was going to happen to my kid. It was completely illogical. It was OCD! I'm still going through some aftershocks (this week has been ROUGH) but no where near to where I was a few weeks ago. I'm trying to keep going! I keep telling myself that it gets worse before it gets better.

I think that because I had shame around my anxiety/OCD, I thought that maybe I was not a great person or defective in some way, and that led me to my situation as well. I would always think when we were dating "well, he's not perfect, but neither am I." I still have some residual shame around it and have had periods even in the past few days where I don't think I'll ever find anyone ever again because of this. But I know I'm doing black and white thinking and I'm literally not even close to being able to go out to date anyway. One thing at a time.

[NumbLotus]

I appreciate lots of people on this forum, and you are one of them, NumbLotus.  Thank you for being here (even though I wish  your life was such that you didn't need the forum; welcome to the club that no one wants to be a member of!).

Oh my gosh what a lovely thing to say. I could pick a crying emoji or a hiding/shy emoji but I'm going to blow past those and pick THIS.



My alcohol limit is one half a beer, but the sentiment is, have a great day, feel like you are in good and uplifting company.

[Laurie]

I had some issues with panic attacks and insomnia a while back.  Turns out I had a vitamin D deficiency the doctor thought could be contributing.  It was treated and I feel better.  I was also put on low dose mirtazapine for sleep and anxiety.

Might be worth getting vitamin D checked as deficiency is common and can increase anxiety.

[Andeza]

Poison ivy, so glad everything went well! I hate medical stuff with a passion personally.

Honestly, that used to be the only source of anxiety /panic attacks for me. Then shortly after gong no contact with my ubpdm, I had a few moments when I felt one coming on. I've managed to not go into full panic attack, which includes passing out, blegh. The only thing I've found so far that works is breathing deeply and throwing all my focus onto something, anything, but the terrible sick feeling.

This is still ongoing... I never anticipated having this particular problem AFTER ending contract with her. I assumed that it would only improve things. I guess what they say about stored trauma being to be processed is true. And now it's my turn.

I'll get through it, but the process might suck majorly. Walking helps, I think, just getting out and doing stuff. Not a vitamin D deficiency here, I can say that with some confidence since I get a fair amount of sun despite the time of year. Although, Laurie is absolutely right. It is common. Another common cause is any kind of thyroid issue. That thing has us wrapped around its finger!

[Blackbird11]

Checking thyroid and vitamin levels are good tips! I started taking a vitamin D supplement just assuming I was low bc of winter in my area.

I would love to get my levels/thyroid looked at but my health OCD is too high - Im terrified of going to the doctor at all after my own health scare a few weeks ago (separate from
the panic attacks! It has been a busy 2020  )

[Laurie]

My doctor recommended a vitamin K2 supplement along with the D3 to make sure the D3 "goes to the right place".  If you think you are deficient, something like 2000 to 4000 IU or so let day during the winter is what I've heard recommended.  I took 5000 IU per day when I had a confirmed deficiency, but you don't want to go too high. For maintenance I am on 2000 IU per day.

If you are getting bloodwork done anyway in the future, you could throw in the D and thyroid as these are pretty routine tests, and be sure to take a D3 supplement everyday in the meantime.