Hello all

[Bluebell Woods]

Hello all!
I'm new here and looking for help and support but of course willing to give that back too.

I am 51 and married to my husband who I met when we were teenagers. We have been married for 27 years this year and many of those have been extremely difficult due to what I am sure is his poor mental health and un-diagnosed BPD.  It is like living with Jekyll and Hyde. In the day, most of the day, most of the time he is kind, loving and an excellent dad and husband. Most nights he has what can only be described as episodes of dissociation, he is at best difficult and argumentative, at worse completely disoriented, threatening, wanders off (police have been involved, hospital admissions for hypothermia twice) and most nights insults me. Our daughter has moved out, she can't take any more. Our son spends less and less time at home. I'm stuck here as this is my family home and I have loads of animals who I couldn't leave or find somewhere to take them to. I don't want to leave anyway.
After years of frightening and unpredictable behaviour which has been discussed with our GP repeatedly for years, I finally snapped and when we last visited the GP last week (me and hubby) I gave GP three options as the cause for my husband's behaviour -
1. Alcohol (previously had an alcohol problem although hubby says he is no longer drinking and GP says there is nothing showing in the regular blood tests hubby has
2. Mental health / BPD - hubby has spent a week (two years ago) at a mental health unit as an assessment which was "inconclusive" and has also suffered with depression / anxiety (hasn't worked since 2001)
3. Domestic abuse
GP has suddenly sprung in to action... watch this space!

I am generally happy and up beat. I have a weird sense of humour but that keeps me going. I live with GAD myself but manage it pretty well. I work full time and very, very rarely have had to take time off. I am a massive animal lover and spend a lot of time with our fur family.I have no (human) family of my own left (all have died off). We have two children - adults. I have plenty of work friends and good relationships with colleagues but very few friends outside of work as many have drifted away as we as a couple have dealt with hubby's alcohol issue.
I look forward to hearing (reading) other people's experiences and learning how I can help hubby and keep myself relatively sane.

Hello 

[NumbLotus]

The Jekyll and Hyde thing is common but I haven't heard of it being on a consistent day/night schedule.

Is he, in your opinion, experiencing psychosis? The wandering off and disorientation seem, to me, more than a personality disorder.

I'm sorry. My H also has experienced psychosis, but it is limited to rare manic episodes. It's very hard.

[bloomie]

Bluebell Woods - Hello and welcome. What a difficult position to be in with no clear diagnosis in the face of such serious life limiting behaviors from your H.

Thankfully, the strategies in the toolbox and the traits information help for behaviors no matter the organic source. Take a good look at those resources as I have found them very helpful.

The support and encouragement you will find here is validating and can cut through that sense of isolation. This is a community of people who have been through the fire in their personal relationships and we will support you going forward.

Setting boundaries and having limits in place was essential for me to survive life with a mother than was both mentally ill and BPD. Because the boundaries were around what did/did not work in relationship with me not around what she was/was not going to do. I hope that makes sense?

Something that came to mind in reading your post was to wonder if your H has been examined for early onset dementia. Please do not feel to answer that here, just something to consider with the somewhat predictable, yet erratic, behaviors you are enduring and the alcohol history.

What I hope for you is that you will be able to shift the focus from your H's issues and trying to find answers for him to finding good support, healing, and validation for yourself. Do you have a therapist you can work through this kind of thing with? You mention potential domestic violence (DV). Have you considered talking with a DV counselor or chatting online with someone who has your safety and best interest as a first priority and who can guide you in assessing risk?

Some links to resources:

Many helpful links including international: https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

Mosaic Threat Assessment link: https://www.mosaicmethod.com

A place to chat anonymously with a DV counselor: https://www.thehotline.org

We are not here to in any way question your choices in staying or going. We are here to listen, support, and encourage you in building tools and strategies to deal with the toxic behaviors that you are experiencing from your H and to find a path to healing and peace.

My heart is heavy thinking of all you are going through. I am so thankful you have found us and joined the conversations taking place. I look forward to seeing you out there on the open boards.

[Bluebell Woods]

Thank you both for your replies and welcome.

It is difficult to deal with. I have felt no-one has taken what I have said seriously. My husband is such a nice fella in ordinary everyday life that when I describe what he does at night, I really don't think I am believed. It's only when I started videoing behaviour on my phone and recording him on my laptop that he himself could no longer deny what was happening although of course he always says the video or audio is edited, clipped etc. That's not the case, I am technologically challenged, I can barely switch things on and off so there is no editing! Oh to be so clever... 
I have asked the GP about early onset dementia and hubby has been seen at a memory clinic last August. It was ascertained that his memory was poor and that watchful waiting was necessary - no diagnosis made.

I am seeing a compassionate listener tomorrow to talk about the effects this is having on me, first time I have been offered support, GP sat up when I used the term domestic abuse!
I am strong, I know I am and I am learning more and more to draw lines in the sand. I have sent hubby off to the spare room again tonight after he started his abuse and insults. Apparently last night I "ragged him about". What I actually did was pull his t shirt down to cover up his back and tummy to keep him warm. He is adamant that I am attacking him verbally and physically at night.  He has even told the GP that I have physically assaulted him. 

[NumbLotus]

That sounds really hard. I'm glad you have finally been heard in at least one way by your GP. And we also hear you, though of course we can only listen.

I have some overlap with your situation, though some differences too. There is something medically or mentally wrong with my H but if I introduced him to you right now, there would be nothing wrong for you to see. And yet. It's very confusing and invisible.

Like Bloomie I also wondered about dementia but I didn't mention it. I've wondered if my own H has Lewy Body, but I can do nothing at all on the medical front.

There is a term, I can't look it up without losing my post but I think it's asagnosia. A lack of insight to ine's own condition, an inability to see anything wrong. This comes with damage to the frontal cortex. Your husband may be literally, physically unable to see or have insight to what is happening.

This of course does not make DV acceptable in any way, and it's extremely difficult to tease out what is under one's control or not when there is a serious issue involved. I personally lean toward almost all DV being under the perpetrator's control, even if frustrations are caused by a medical condition, but what do I know. But I mention the asagnosia thing not to excuse him for anything but maybe arm you with some possible insight as to his reactions to evidence of his bizarre behavior.

Did he fundamentally change in some ways or have certain behaviors just gotten worse over time?

[doglady]

Hi Bluebell Woods,

There is a term for this behaviour when it’s dementia related. It’s called ‘sundowning’ and apparently well known in Alzheimer’s patients. I mean obviously I don’t know your situation and am not a doctor, but it just jumped out at me when you said he seems fine during the earlier part of the day and then deteriorates later on in the day.

Hope it’s ok to include this link (which is Australian). I’m sure whatever country you’re in has similar info.

https://www.dementia.org.au/about-dementia/carers/behaviour-changes/sundowning

I wonder if that‘s worth discussing with your doctor, although you’d think he or she would be aware of this phenomenon.