Comparison by age

[Pepin]

Next year DH turns the age that PDmil was when I first met her 25 years ago.  DH and I didn't have kids as early in our lives as PDmil did, so there is that to consider.

What I find fascinating to ponder however, even though DH is not an extension of PDmil, are the differences in behavior between both DH and PDmil at this age.  Even though they are not the same gender, there are some glaring differences that really validate all my thoughts about PDmil and her behavior over the years.

Without providing specific examples about PDmil from 25 years ago, it was clear that she struggled to follow through with certain tasks that the norm doesn't think twice about.  There was a heavy reliance on DH and his siblings, even with FIL being alive.  She largely operated from a very small bubble that got even smaller upon retirement due to rigid beliefs. 

This is just so odd to me....even as I approach this age that DH will be next year.  Both DH and I do not rely on our kids for literally anything.  We are both independent adults that can obviously care for ourselves.  We ask lots of questions all day long about things we want to know and do - that affect our lives, health and the lives of those around us.  We are aware of our behavior for the most part and how it might affect anyone around us whether we speak to them or not.  We are constantly asking ourselves how we can do better, aim higher, refine what we have and believe.

And when I look at PDmil, I don't see any of the above having taken place during the last 25 years.  I see a steady decline...of someone that has become more dependent -- and largely, someone that doesn't seem to love themself very much.  But she sure loves it when anyone does *anything* for her.

DH operates from a place of guilt when it comes to his mom.  He has moments of frustration, but then just gives up and says that is the way she is.  What he doesn't do though, is let her sit with her thoughts....to let her think about why she is the way that she is and that there are consequences for being who she is.  Over the years DH has gotten angry at anyone who dares to challenge that PDmil is just the way that she is...and this has been painful.  He keeps having to make excuses for her shortcomings because honestly, she doesn't know any better because she literally is who she is: a PD.

But, no GC is going to see a parent as a PD until they get burned...which may or may not happen.

Going forward, once DH has a birthday next year, it will be so interesting to watch him compared to his mother...as she is someone that he has held in high regard.  It is just amazing how PDs have such complete control over those around them.  For years, PDmil had control over me as well because I wanted to fit in and dropped my boundaries.  But having kids snapped me out of that.  I could never do to our children what she has done to DH nor could I ever treat the future spouses of our children the way she has treated me. 

[Penny Lane]

I'm so glad you two were able to break the cycle with regards to your own children, but I'm sorry about the toll it's taken on you.