I should have trusted my gut

[St. Adler]

Last year,  I started to see a councilor because I wanted to deal with the abuse I endured as a child specifically and I was low contact at that time with my FOO already. I have since had no other choice but to go no contact with them as well as my extended family, who, if they know about the abuse because I have told them about it, have chosen not to stand with me, and if they don't know about it, have acted out of ignorance to try and get me to break no contact. I come from a large extended family, very enmeshed, and this has been gut wrenching. Many days, I just can't do anything other than cry it out. I struggle with obsessive thoughts, and rumination, so since I have left my husband due to the abuse I endured from him, I am living on my own and it is hard to deal with.
There are days that I just want to be around people that love me and i relied too heavily on my closest friends (I feel at the moment) so that I have become desperate, and needy.
I have also made peace with the fact that I have a split in my personality from childhood, which I clearly see now for the first time and wanted to discuss with my therapist yesterday.
We have had a couple of incidents where he talks about himself and his family, and where I address the fact that he makes me feel unsafe and unheard. He apologizes then and tells me that he is bringing his own stuff into therapy. This seemed very unprofessional to me. There were days when he would not see that I am breaking, and I would have to ask him to stop telling me about his hunting adventure with his son, or his family dynamics, because I need him to see me. He would be very apologetic. He also has told me before about how another client's husband accused him of having an affair with his wife. This is just not appropriate I feel.
But I stuck with him, because honestly at this point in my life, I feel like I have walked out on an abusive husband and family of origin and something inside me says that if I walk out on him...the common denominator in all these situations is me.
I should have trusted my gut, but I didn't. He is not a registered clinical psychologist, but a councilor which is not the same thing where I live.

So I video call with him yesterday, and then I told him about a recent attempt at contact from my mother, on a specific forum where I had to now block her from. I felt hurt because my mother does not respect my boundaries and I wanted to speak to him about my healing journey and dealing with the younger parts of me since they now have space to heal more. I am trying to work with my inner child, and that was the last therapy session that I had with him, where I also ended the session feeling frustrated and not heard. He said that it is concerning that even just a message from them can cause me such immense pain...? He told me about one of his cousins and grandfather and how they don't have contact but it is very peaceful and easy....?

He then asks me what is my long term plan with my parents? And I said that I want to become okay with myself, being estranged from them and accepting that this is the way things are, and I need help in becoming okay with myself. I said that I know that they are not going to change, and that I have to accept it, I know that miracles can happen but I am not waiting for that to happen anymore.

He then asked me "What would it look like if a miracle happened? And we were struggling with his internet connection, so we got cut off a couple of times. I then told him that I want him to know that I cannot go there right now, I don't want to focus the session on a hypothetical miracle. He then said that he is just trying to imagine that he is their councilor, and then I said I can't go there right now. I can't imagine him being their therapist. He then got very mad at me, telling me that he needs to be objective and not just on my side and that if I can't deal with that, then he cannot help me. Our connection cut off again.
I was shocked and almost went into my normal mode of just accepting what he said.
But when we were back online I told him how that makes me feel. I told him that he is the same person who has told me that any contact with my FOO is like heroin, it's an addiction and that I should just ignore it without reacting to it at all. I told him that him getting mad at me makes me think of my father and that I am not asking him to be anything other than objective. He was clearly apologetic and said that he went into a confusion and that he brought his own stuff in. And then he said he doesn't know what to say, but he didn't realize that he was speaking to such a vulnerable part of me.  He then said that we need to keep my inner child safe and what does she need to hear from him. He knows or should know by now, that I always bring my tough stuff to therapy and don't play games or dance around the hard work. He doesn't make any notes during our sessions so I feel like I have to convince him of my position and he forgets important things regularly.

I was crying. After Monday's attempt by my mother, and this I am really hurting and in need of some serious self care. I know that I probably took some of his words more personally than what I should have, but I still trust myself enough to know that this is not healthy or good for me, and I won't see him again.

I told him about what I had in mind to discuss with him, and he was a changed man all of a sudden. This same scenario has happened before but he wasn't that upset or mad in the past. He has asked me for assurance in the past a couple of times of whether the therapy is actually helping me. I feel a bit in the fog about the whole thing, a very familiar feeling that I am trying to detox from.
I went through a fast as well and yesterday was my last day, so having this incident occur after not having food for 3 days upset me as I was already feeling weak physically.

[_apparentlywicked]

Oh honey stop with this quack. The first rule of therapy is to validate you above all others which is the very foundation that makes therapy work. He's not validating you and sounds harmful. He's out if his depth and seems like one of those unhelpful friends who likes to think that everyone is lovely underneath it all.  They ain't and he's hurting you with his approach.

You need a therapist who knows about PD's and knows that not all relationships can be healed.

No wonder you're upset. I'm not surprised you're feeling all the things you are right now. I would be too in the same situation. He's basically invalidating your inner child by getting you to think about them. He should be getting you to think about YOU because that is the only place you can find healing.

Peace and understanding ❤️❤️

[Tried2bZen]

What ApparentlyWicked said! Not sure why he would want you to focus on them rather than you and your needs and I would presume this to be problematic from a professional standpoint. And yes, please trust your gut feeling - when is our gut feeling ever wrong?!

[Maxtrem]

I don't think he's really qualified. Telling his stories and talking about other patients' stories is very strange for a therapist. Therapists never tell their patients about themselves, it's a one-way relationship, they don't have to disclose anything about them. Also, I am Canadian and in Canada a therapist who discloses details about other patients loses his or her right to practice.

[notrightinthehead]

He doesn't sound professional or a good therapist for you. I agree with the others, his stuff and other patient's stuff does not belong in your session. You pay for him to be focussed on you, validate you, give you his full attention and definitely not to become upset with you. I am so sorry that you have such bad luck, you deserve and need a good therapist! And they are out there. Next time you don't stay with a therapist when you see red flags going up. Sometimes it seems like the universe really wants to teach us to remove ourselves from people with PD and clutters our world with them.

[FogDawg]

Sometimes it seems like the universe really wants to teach us to remove ourselves from people with PD and clutters our world with them.

"Okay, okay. I get it and then some. Stop shoving them my way!!"

Everyone is correct in stating that your therapist is incredibly unprofessional. He has no right to be bringing his issues into your discussions and apparently needs his own counselor. He certainly should not be trying to force your hand, either. No miracle is going to happen, so there is no point in pretending; his getting bent out of shape over your lack of wanting to acknowledge the question is pathetic. You know what is best for yourself at this point, not someone who is essentially a stranger. Ditch the fool and take care of yourself. I truly hope that you manage to find a counselor who can offer what you need, St. Adler.

[Sweetbriar]

I agree with the others. This therapist is not good and that's at best, at worst, he could be harmful to your healing process.

Much of the therapist's job is to begin to be that voice that stands by you, so that you then learn to stand by yourself.  Of course gentle feedback is required at times, but no therapist should ever get mad at you. That is incredibly unprofessional.

I know what you're saying about being worried that the common denominator is you. I go back to that again and again, wondering if I am being too hard on people when I back away from them. I think it is not a bad thing to self-reflect that way and it shows a healthy sense of who we are, but I am absolutely certain that this therapist is bad news and you should stop seeing him. Of course him getting mad at you would remind you of your father.  You don't need to be triggered like that! You are trying to find peace. And for him to tell you about another patient! I'm shocked! And why would he tell you about hunting with his son!?

I have left two therapists in the past. I was very kind and diplomatic and said that I needed to take some time off of therapy and I'd contact them again if I required their help. In one case it was because the therapist continually told stories of her own problems and in the other case it was because the therapist called me over-dramatic in a sarcastic tone.

Learning when to leave something unhealthy is part of all our processes when we come from dysfunctional childhoods. You can leave this therapist of yours knowing that you are doing an amazing form of self-care. He's a terrible therapist.

[St. Adler]

thanks everyone, for hearing me and seeing me. It means a lot to me.
I am not going to see this therapist again, and will start a journey with a new one.
Your support means so much to me today, I am overwhelmed with feeling heard.