My uncle's funeral

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Maxtrem

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My uncle's funeral
« on: February 28, 2020, 03:26:55 PM »
My uncle passed away a few days ago and I told my mother uBPD that I will accompany her to my uncle's (brother's) funeral. I don't know why, maybe I feel obligated. What affects me in all this is not the death of my uncle, I feel indifferent about it, I have always considered him as a bad person (liar, thief, manipulator, a parasite, violent, alcoholic, compulsive gambler...).  It is rather the mourning of a normal family that affects me in this event. With the exception of two of my cousins, I did not consider talking to anyone from my family at the funeral. They are dysfunctional, unpleasant, already pretending that they are in pain and that it affects them a lot even though they hadn't spoken to my uncle in years. In addition they are unpleasant to me, constantly denigrating me and my girlfriend, probably out of jealousy because we are happy and functional. I know they're going to talk behind my back and criticize me like they always have. But despite everything I feel like I have to be there, it's kind of weird... I know it's going to be uncomfortable. I only wish it could be a normal family, that it would be nice to see them all, but deep down I know that will never happen. One of my cousins tried to steal my grandmother, another one is always racist, an uncle is a drug addict and alcoholic, my mother uBPD can react in an extreme way if everything is not centered on her... in short, I will be surrounded by unpleasant people.

I wish that even a funeral could be normal in my family, but even that is too much to ask. It will only be one more excuse for these people (BPD/N) to pretend to be in pain and focus on them. I'm not grieving for an uncle, I realize that I'm grieving for a family!   

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Outsiderchild

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Re: My uncle's funeral
« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2020, 06:43:57 PM »
Maybe the technique of observing the funeral through the detached point of view of an anthropologist would be helpful.  Have Richard Attenborough narrate the whole thing in your head as if it was one of his documentaries:

**hushed voice**   ďSee the PD relatives gather around the deceased to complete for The Mostest Worstest Health Problem Prize.Ē   Etc.

Check off each behavior or snide remark on a bingo card.  Somehow this helps me keep my Maximum Chill or grey rock going so I donít get sucked into the drama.  Promise  yourself a treat if your bingo card gets filled out, maybe a nice dinner with your girlfriend. 

Or ask yourself what is the worst thing  that will happen if you donít go?   Itís not as if they are suddenly going to be nice if you do go.  Your attendance isnít going to change anything or anyoneís attitude about you.   Maybe youíll get some flack for not going, which is exactly the same  result if you did attend. 

Save yourself the time and effort and donít go.  If you do go, expect them to be exactly who and what they have always been.  There really isnít a wrong choice, only you know what is the best for you.   This whole forum is filled with people who understand and support you in this. 

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Adria

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Re: My uncle's funeral
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2020, 07:08:48 PM »
 :yeahthat: