Just Found Out I Have to See NC Nm

No. · February 27, 2020, 02:37:41 PM

In two days...going to my niece's function. I refuse to miss because of Nm anymore. I've missed so much of my beloved N&N's things. Niece has been asking for months if I'm coming and I've said yes, excitedly. And I am.

I feel pretty strong about a few factors. Mainly, I have not done anything wrong.

But, I don't want to come across angry, or bitter, or rude. But I don't want to fawn and be too friendly either. I'm not sure how to act. I just want to walk away feeling good I handled things well, whatever that entails. I don't want to feel bad about my behavior, or give her reason to criticize.

The last time (like 5 years ago) I ran into her, she dramatically tried to hug me. and I actually let her, and felt like I needed to take a long shower. She crossed a boundary- felt entitled. If that happens I plan to put my hand out and state calmly you are not entitled to hug me. Or something.

I really hate this, but I know it's inevitable if I'm going to see the kids' stuff while I still can.

FromTheSwamp · February 27, 2020, 03:09:36 PM

I found a video that showed ways to avoid unwanted hugs. I found it helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnLFSRjG2M8

FromTheSwamp · February 27, 2020, 03:23:16 PM

I just read an article about unwanted hugs in Psychology Today and the writer said smoking had been helpful in the past because they were holding something in their hand and were surrounded by a cloud of smoke. I realized that I will often keep things in my hands with my mother around. A defensive shield against hugs?

I remind myself often that when I encounter someone I don't want to have contact with that chilly politeness is all that's necessary in a social setting. If I can't avoid them entirely I excuse myself as quickly as possible, and usually that's very quickly.

Moxie890 · February 27, 2020, 03:43:25 PM

How special for your niece! Isn't it amazing how the love of kids can help us feel so brave! You are very brave!

No. · February 27, 2020, 04:23:47 PM

HA! Love it, From the Swamp!

I think just focusing on my niece with some chilly politeness if necessary, in a grey rock kind of way, will likely be it. I love the smoke idea..maybe some funny smoke.

Moxie, I've disappointed in myself when I've missed. I feel like Nm wins when I stay away. I'm sure there will be other things come up so I might as well start somewhere.

overitall · February 27, 2020, 11:08:08 PM

When I am in a situation where uBPDm and/or uNPDf are present, I simply say "hello" and keep walking...if they try to come anywhere close to me, I keep moving...I cannot or will not have any interaction with them....ever.
If you can keep it polite and just keep moving away from them, it is not really rude or disrespectful...they will eventually realize that you really do not want to interact with them..it takes times, but just stick with it...

No. · February 28, 2020, 09:18:00 AM

Overit, I plan for it to be this way. We will be standing around watching my niece so hopefully all the focus will be there. It's sort of a gym situation. My EnSD will also be there. I saw him for the first time over the holidays, and it made me sad. I wanted him in my life, but a main reason I am so done with Nm is that she played the "I have no idea what happened" card to him, and the "she's ignoring me" card, when all I asked for was a little time and space after she said a series of extremely hurtful things in the "straw that broke the camel's back" conversation. In the "time and space" I asked for, she would not allow it, and continued to pull out all the stops, mean and nice, to try to get me to answer. No boundaries or limits, and more proof of what I thought all along.

Seems like if she wanted me in her life so badly she wouldn't have done that.

moglow · February 28, 2020, 05:12:39 PM

No., is it a situation where you can politely keep your distance from her, turn to someone else or quietly excuse yourself if she approaches? Sometimes a duck to the ladies' breaks immediate contact and you can quietly reenter to speak with someone else. Sit at opposite end/other side away from her, be polite but distant if all else fails.

I need to check out those no hug videos ...

FogDawg · February 28, 2020, 05:58:06 PM

Quote from: moglow on February 28, 2020, 05:12:39 PM
Sometimes a duck to the ladies' breaks immediate contact and you can quietly reenter to speak with someone else. Sit at opposite end/other side away from her, be polite but distant if all else fails.

A duck set loose could also have a positive effect in drawing attention away

I agree with the part about sitting way the hell away, though I would say not to interact more than simply acknowledging her (even that is completely up to you) should she come over, with you being under no obligation. I hope that you enjoy the gathering, No.

No. · February 28, 2020, 07:08:42 PM

Thank you all. It's a casual gym-like setting, and with other family members being there including kids, it might be weird for me to be sitting all off alone, but I can definitely be at the other end of the group, I think. I'll be polite, but I dread it. Trying to get in the right mindset.

moglow · February 28, 2020, 08:01:06 PM

Not alone as in removing yourself from the group, just from her immediate vicinity - have a buffer or three between you. Engage and laugh with the kids! Don't isolate yourself, thats not fair to YOU.

No. · February 28, 2020, 08:47:43 PM

Yes! I plan to be with the kids. I think I'm going to be ok. A year ago I would have been freaking out, but I'm feeling more solid about everything. It's just hard.

Mathilda · February 29, 2020, 10:27:49 AM

I am NC with my parents, but because we live in the same apartment building I do run into them sometimes.
The first few weeks they found it hard to believe that NC meant NC to me I guess. I came across my mother at the elevator and she snarled "ARE YOU STILL MAD AT US??" at me. But I kept calm and explained I wasn't mad, but found them too difficult to deal with. She growled and turned around.

Then a few weeks later I came across my father, who tried to hug me. No thanks Dad, so I put out my hand and just said 'No, sorry, but no".

Another time the 3 of us were in the elevator and my mother just looked at me with a very worried look on her face (yeah, right

) and asked me how I was. I said politely "I'm fine, thank you. How are you?" and again she just made some growling noice and turned away

I do find it stressful when I come across them (hopefully I will be able to move next year), so I try to avoid them if I can but if that's not possible, stay calm, stay polite, take a deep breath, use medium chill

and treat them like they are any other person you only superficially happen to know.

No. · February 29, 2020, 11:14:11 AM

Yes! Thanks, Mathilda. I like that. I can't imagine living where I might run into them any time, but maybe that has helped you push past it faster. Your mom's behavior sounds like mine.

I keep telling myself she has no power, I've done the work, this situation is not on me as she likes to tell people, she can't harm me. I have no reason to fawn, be anything other than chill, try to hard, try at all, be concerned with what she thinks. Now I'm just trying to be strong, confident, chill, and not overthink. Whatever happens isn't the end of the world anyway, and my response, if the need arises, doesn't need to be perfect.

Mathilda · February 29, 2020, 12:20:06 PM

Quote from: No. on February 29, 2020, 11:14:11 AM
Yes! Thanks, Mathilda. I like that. I can't imagine living where I might run into them any time, but maybe that has helped you push past it faster. Your mom's behavior sounds like mine.

I keep telling myself she has no power, I've done the work, this situation is not on me as she likes to tell people, she can't harm me. I have no reason to fawn, be anything other than chill, try to hard, try at all, be concerned with what she thinks. Now I'm just trying to be strong, confident, chill, and not overthink. Whatever happens isn't the end of the world anyway, and my response, if the need arises, doesn't need to be perfect.

They programmed you that whenever you disagree, have an opinion of your own or stand up for yourself, or simply just be YOU

you are a bad person. I too still struggle with those feelings. But that's they're programming. But it's getting better, and slowly I'm gaining more confidence.

But no, it doesn't have to be perfect. My father came unexpectedly t
at my door a few months ago, said he 'wanted to talk'. Tears in his eyes. I knew he hadn't come to apologize. I was right. He said mother and he had no clue what they had done wrong. Well, at my last visit they behaved like 2 schoolyard bullies, screaming and yelling at me and eventually telling me to 'f*** off', which was the last straw that broke the camel's back really and I had written them a 2-page letter to explain why I decided NC

As soon as I told him I did not want to talk to him, the tears were gone. They were fake. I told him the same thing as I had written. My face turned red, I stuttered. Yes, I wish I had appeared more confident.
But he got the message anyway, left and up until now I haven't heard from him.