They can smell it. Part II

[candy]

In my last post I was wondering how my FIL, who wrote a demanding text late at night after 1.5 years silent treatment,
could possibly have sensed that DH was making progress in coming Out of the FOG.

uNPDFIL had sent the exact text he sent me to DH. As FIL's text was rude, we both didn't answer.
Since then I blocked FIL and MIL on all devices and services that I use.

About a week later now it's NPDMIL who ups the ante. She has emailed DH, or how she put it, her dearest and most beloved child, urging him to call her. She goes on how we, her and DH (?), can solve all our problems,
followed by hearts and big love

I only know about it because I had a furious husband storming in today.
DH was indignant about his mother approaching him in this way, while she still, like FIL, hasn't commented on us expecting our second child. How dare she is ignores our child while mimicking mother of the year with words?, DH said.

Waiting for them to change hasn't helped, maybe it's time to yell at her, confront her, finally dump all the anger, the pain and the frustration on the person who caused it?
Those are DH's words. I see him growing, I feel relieved.

Finally, I thought. And I've said, you do what you got to do. I'll be here to listen. I am just not doing a damn thing anymore 

I watch the IL's overstepping the mark,  acting against DH's moral convictions. They clearly have no idea who their son is. What they do have is a keen sense for vulnerability in their AC. I keep wondering about their timing.

Thank you for listening! Sometimes this is the only place for me to express myself freely.

[bloomie]

candy - just  these people!

I hear such empowerment and clarity in your post between you and your DH. I love that anger can hold a place of honor and protection over ourselves and our family and can be energizing when we work with it and use it for healing.

Isn't it beautiful that you and your DH see what a treasure to be celebrated your children are and this pregnancy is! And how self serving and aggrandizing your mil's claims are in light of her actual choices and behaviors.

Maybe your in laws see this as an opportunistic time for some reason... they sense the resolve and turning toward your FOC and each other and away from their toxic behaviors. Whatever the motivation, they are having the opposite affect as you and your DH are growing stronger than ever in your resolve!

Giant steps forward in the face of a really tough turn of events you are all making!

[candy]

Bloomie, you're right. It has been for me for a long time, but anger is not a destructive feeling per se. I used to get so very angry and disappointed with my IL's behavior and my thoughts went round and round in circles

In DH I see the anger is energizing, like you put it, he was strengthened in his position and found his voice.

He did call his parents. Among other things DH told them if they didn't congratulate me personally, like basic common decency would dictate, all future talks or attempts to reconnect with him and his FOC would be off the table.

Two days later MIL sent an email that went directly into my blocked folder. It was forwarded to DH. I haven't read it yet. DH gave me a brief summary and I may actually leave it like that as I don't need any trigger of hurtful emotions.

DH has been annoyed. MIL expressed her congratulations like addressing a business partner. No apologies, presupposing I have an uncomplicated pregnancy (which I haven't. I would never tell the IL's details like that but it's still not something one should make guesses on.), not asking any questions, only expressing what they wish our mutual future to look like.

DH and I both know there would not have been a word addressed to me from the ILs if DH hadn't stepped in. We see it for what it is: a reaction to an ultimatum.

While I am genuinely impressed - and happy - about DH's unfoggy vision at this time, my task is to truly let go and let DH handle the IL's.
I feel like a control freak  because in my marriage I've been the one digging out the dysfunction in each of our FOOs and now DH seems to grow into it...
But it's just as possible I'm struggling with an increased irritability and the overall loss of control during pregnancy.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Everything Bloomie said.

Don’t blame pregnancy. Your in-laws ARE that irritating. Your feelings are completely appropriate. But YES to letting it just pass. Letting go and letting DH grow out of unhealthy attachments is hard to do... I’ve been in that place too of always being the one to force the issue with DH about both of our FOOs. Being the hard ass no longer willing to go along to get along. It sucks. Enjoy not having to be the only one anymore! Sounds like you have your most important ally! Yay!!!!

At this point for me, at times I felt “But what if they manage to snow DH all over again and suck him back in? What if he believes they really have changed and we go back to square one?” Well, you’re seeing their “best behavior” now. This IS them pulling out all the stops and bending over backwards to fix things. And it’s absolutely outrageous. Every time they “try” they can’t help but display their dysfunction and let that freak flag fly, can they? It’s so simple and so sad, but the blatancy of their inability to take responsibility and actually care about someone else will protect you. Trust them to dig that hole themselves.

And I’m sorry to hear about your pregnancy complications. I do hope and pray that you and your little one are safe and healthy. All the more reason to keep yourself in a happy, drama-free bubble of peace.