The thing that bugs me greatly: confusion

[Sweetbriar]

The biggest thing about the past few years of learning more and more about personality disorders and Cluster B's and all of the ranges within is how confusing it is.

Recently I went to a dinner party in the evening with some former co-workers who I consider friends. I no longer work there because my body literally broke down from the stress. It was a very dysfunctional workplace and I was pretty much mobbed by a bunch of women who took a hatred to me and made my life hell.

The people I saw at the dinner party were people who did not join in on the bullying of me, so I consider them decent.

But here I am scratching my head now. One of the women has since moved up the ranks into a leadership position. I have always thought that she talks about herself quite a lot, but she moves from bragging to self-deprecation constantly, and in the end she often stands up to the bullies. (She has been bullied by them too.)

At the dinner party she began to talk loudly about herself and all the people she's hired, and how we at the dinner party were the good ones. She said, "I only hire the good ones... I hired SweetBriar...." (me.)

She wasn't drinking because she was driving, so I can't blame it on being confused. She did not hire me. I was hired by a former boss and at the time, she was on maternity leave. She returned after I had been working at the job for almost a year.  She wasn't even in a leadership position. She was at the same level as me. I know who I was hired by. It wasn't her.

So I sat there.. at the dinner party after she said it and I felt SO CONFUSED. I wondered if I should have jokingly corrected her but I just let it go.

I am still seeing stars about this. I now keep adding up all the times she has said shady things and wonder about her. And there goes another person I wanted to like but now I feel wary of...

Sigh. It distresses me.

[Penny Lane]

The thing about toxic workplaces is that even mentally healthy people's norms can so easily get corrupted by them. You start thinking since everyone else does this thing, it must be normal. Maybe she's gotten corrupted by all the bad behavior. Or maybe she's always been this way but she's a covert PD type. That would certainly track - I know that's who gets promoted at all my toxic former workplaces. I'm sorry you had this realization about her (although kind of glad you did before you got any closer to her).

[Pepin]

Clearly she's trying to take credit from the person that hired you.  Ugh.


Well....the only silver line I see here is that she is now showing you exactly who she is: someone that cannot be trusted.  If that is how she wants to play, then you treat her as someone that isn't trustworthy next time you cross paths.  It is amazing how one action can trigger all the red flags at once.  Good thing you caught it.   

[Ilovedogs]

I get really distressed by this too sometimes, who is and who is not okay is a tiring question to keep having to ask. I hope it gets better the more certain one becomes of one's innermost intuition about it, Out of the FOG in other words. I am still where you are. I have experienced a lot of gaslighting, from both parents, so my confidence is sometimes very very low about my instincts. They're there though!

Someone on another forum said to me once, it's all there, you do know it, you will find out if a particular person is abusive or toxic, it just takes time and therapy to get to the truth. This was in regard to someone I know well so may not quite apply, but I have faith that ultimately we can be more certain than not and the tiring who is who isn't question will become less important, less confusing and less consuming.

Best wishes