she's moving out today!

[eyesopen]

I filed for divorce a few weeks ago and there's been a lot of friction at home lately.  Stbxw has mostly been staying with her latest affair partner, but whenever she's home, she's argumentative, angry, and insulting.  But starting today, she got an apartment about 20min away so I'll rarely ever see her again. 

There was drama yesterday where I was playing a card game with 6yo DD while stbx vented anger at me.  She went so far as to say (paraphrased), "I wouldn't care if you dropped dead."  DD of course heard this and just buried her face into my shoulder giving me the biggest hug she could muster.  I calmly tried to assert that it's harmful for DD to hear her mother say that about her father, but stbx kept the hate train rolling and insisted she didn't care and that DD "needs to learn the truth about who her father is."

I'm so ready for this shizz to end.  This evening she'll be gone and it'll just be DD and me for the rest of the week.  DD spends next week with her and then we'll continue alternating weeks.

Next steps for me:  (1) work on building the already strong bond I have with my daughter and make the most of the week I have with her.  And (2) start figuring out what I want, who I am, during the weeks I'm alone.  I got married because I wanted to be with someone for life.  I had a child because i wanted to be a parent for life.  I never expected to have 50% of my time without parental responsibilities or being a spouse, so I've got my work cut out to figure out where my life will go from here.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry that your wife is making inappropriate comments in front of your daughter, but the other news is great! 

[NumbLotus]

It sounds like a huge relief that she will be gone soon.

And it sounds like you're also in for some empty spaces. You sound like a positive, thoughtful person, so I am sure that after some time to adjust and heal some, you will find new things to spend your energy on during your off weeks.

When my H is on the Hate Train, I don't bother to say anything about his behavior because he will just double down.

[eyesopen]

Afternoon of day 1, I'd only been home from work for abour 30 min and she calls me on phone.  She NEVER calls.  But I pick up and suddenly her tune has changed, "Is there any way you can come over?  I need help."

Since I have zero desire to ever reconcile after what she's said and done (yesterday's "I don't care if you die", for one), it felt really good to turn her down.  I ask her what she needs help with and it's something to do with setting up her internet connection.  I say to just call the provider and they can help.  She's obviously overwhelmed with the move, so I say something simple, like "it doesn't all have to be done at once.  Take your time and it'll all be fine."  Later in the evening, she starts texting to thank me and say how much she appreciates me (although I didn't help beyond talking to her for 2 minutes) and how she wishes we could be friends.

It's so easy to see now.  When she needs me for something, she's sweet as can be.  But when she feels like she doesn't need me, I may as well be dead.  I'll be kind, because that's who I am, but I won't be her doormat.  Being friends with someone who deliberately and joyfully betrays and hurts me doesn't sound very realistic to me.  Maybe being friendly is a better goal at this point.

[NumbLotus]

Great job setting good boundaries! Anything you do to rescue her will make it harder to change later. You're right, that "sweet" routine doesn't mean anything except she wants something from you.

[zenagain]

....She's obviously overwhelmed with the move, so I say something simple, like "it doesn't all have to be done at once.  Take your time and it'll all be fine."  Later in the evening, she starts texting to thank me and say how much she appreciates me (although I didn't help beyond talking to her for 2 minutes) and how she wishes we could be friends.

It's so easy to see now.  When she needs me for something, she's sweet as can be.  But when she feels like she doesn't need me, I may as well be dead.  I'll be kind, because that's who I am, but I won't be her doormat.  Being friends with someone who deliberately and joyfully betrays and hurts me doesn't sound very realistic to me.  Maybe being friendly is a better goal at this point.

From my experience, this is exactly where I went wrong when I first left my ucovertNPDw a few years ago for a few weeks.   Enter 'love bombing' phase... my weakest moment since meeting my uPDw 15+ years ago!   It started out as small requests, which I felt were no brainers and were things I wanted to do (my character is to help people, which she knew) and that turned into pleading and pleasure and was a huge mistake! 

Just saying - be very weary and on guard for why you were attracted to her in the first place - and - remind yourself of how you got here and how you finally decided on divorcing ... constantly.   
Be safe!  Keep us in the loop!

[Kat54]

You sound like a good person and a good father to your daughter.  I would stay friendly with the ex for your daughters sake, but definitely keep the boundaries. While she may trash you in front of your daughter, it will serve you better in the long run to stay the better parent who doesn't do things like that. Your daughter will always remember.

My ex told out right lies to my kids about what was going on with our divorce to make me look bad. They are older in their 20's, but I've never said one bad or negative thing about their father and I never will. I remain silent, I don't bring him up unless they do and if I say anything its short, next subject...

[BeautifulCrazy]

I agree with Zen and Kat. Please be sure to protect yourself!!
Grey Rock.
Medium Chill.
Being "kind",or being "friends" can very easily turn into being vulnerable and being taken advantage of.

[Rose1]

Some years after my ex left he came to my place to help d with her new bike. I expected to have him make sure it was safe and teach her some maintenance.
Because she was brought up to be hospitable she asked me if it was ok to make him a coffee. I said of course.

What happened after that might give some insight into the pd mind. First the brakes on the bike were cut short so they were actually dangerous on a hill. And I had to get them fixed (I assume that was the point). Then I came home from work and he was sitting in his car looking sad and depressed. He drove off when I arrived. My d then told me that he would help with her bike a bit, have a coffee inside and put his feet up and watch TV in my house. We also ended up with computer backup disks missing and mail snooping.

So the big pretend while taking advantage and doing dangerous work.

While bad mouthing me as well. so I told d enough, no longer welcome and I didn't want him in the house in the first place (not the first time things went missing) and certainly not again.

Just don't go there. The "friends"thing is just suction. They don't have a concept of friends. They have a concept of "what's in it for me?" I can't see any way of this being good for you. Well done on saying no. Good chance she had a moment of reality and realized she had it good with you. Also a chance she wants to string you and the new guy on at the same time so she can get you both to help her. Run, don't look back.

Build your relationship with your d.

[eyesopen]

Thank you all for the replies and for the warnings about getting sucked back in under the guise of friendship.  I have no desire at all to be friends with her.  My definition of being "friendly" is just to have peaceful communications about DD, her activities and schedule.  If we didn't have a child, I'd go NC, but since we do, I have to at least deal with contact once per week.

I will not be volunteering for anything or solving any of her problems.  For example, she needs a couple TVs mounted on the wall and she's requested that I do it for her.  That's not going to happen.  The most I'll do is drop off my/our power drill and I'll answer any questions she has about using it (only if she asks, though), but she's going to have to do the work herself or get her new man to do it for her.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Thank you all for the replies and for the warnings about getting sucked back in.....  My definition of being "friendly" is just to have peaceful communications about DD, her activities and schedule......

I will not be volunteering for anything or solving any of her problems......  The most I'll do is drop off my/our power drill and I'll answer any questions she has about using it (only if she asks, though)....

I don't want to give you are a hard time eyesopen, but I fear for you! It seems like you are still mistakenly thinking that you can have "normal" interactions with a PD, just maybe on a pared-back level.
The interactions you describe might work the way you picture if you were involved with a rational and empathic person. You aren't though.   Your nice, normal gesture of dropping off your drill will likely turn into her having a tool in hand to screw with you.
Now it's a reason to make contact with you and start a conversation that quickly turns to something else.....
Now you have to pick it up....
or she has to drop it off....
and you have to interact with her....
Maybe you will have a normal interaction this time. Maybe a couple of times. That will draw you in so you feel safe. (Intermittent reinforcement, yay) Maybe, if she is in a beginning phase of a new relationship, you will get a reprieve that will last for some time. But, DO NOT be lulled into complacency or a false sense of security. Anything you say, anything you do, WILL be used against you at some point. Maybe it's only in secret to twist against and criticise you to DD or current boyfriend.
Stick to the facts and just the facts when communicating about DD. (Even there, keep it minimal) Don't interact about anything else. Her tv? Her problem! Her internet? Her problem!
Don't even go there.
"Sorry to hear you're having trouble. Gotta go. Bye!"
Read up on Medium Chill and Grey Rock and implement them. And definitely read the posts in the co-parenting section here.
Maybe I'm projecting a worst-case scenario because of what I have been through, but it can't hurt to protect yourself.

[eyesopen]

I'm doing my best to not rock the boat at least until the final divorce decree is signed, which won't be until mid-May at the earliest.  Keeping in mind the hell I let her put me through already, I want to keep all contact to an absolute minimum.  With our forced weekly contact for child drop-off, my goal is to be civil, but not engaged in any conversation or drama that she wants to pull me into.  I know I can't prevent the drama through any action of my own, but I can at least keep myself from getting involved in it.

There's one thing coming up that has me very worried about how stbx will react and how I may be unable to remain unscathed.  Our daughter's teacher (and stbx's coworker/friend) has stage IV cancer, has refused further treatment, and is continuing to work as long as she's able.  It could be days, weeks, or months before she's gone and I'm certain stbx is going to take it really hard when that time inevitably comes.  DD will have difficulty too, no doubt, but will probably have an even harder time if her mother models erratic behavior (crying/yelling, cutting, excessive alcohol/cannabis use).

Besides MC and GR, which I'll use to the best of my ability, is there anything else I can do to keep a healthy distance from whatever grief-induced actions stbx takes when the teacher/coworker passes?  I know want to be a healthy model of grief for DD to help her through that time and I know I don't want stbx to pull me into whatever maladaptive misery/grief narrative she cooks up.  I know where my boundaries are, or at least where they ought to be, but I don't have repeated experience yet with enforcing them.

[Rose1]

That's a really tough one. Can you make tentative plans to take d away fo a bit when it happens?  Nothing I would mention to either your ex or d. Even on your exw time as it sounds like your ex would be better off hospitalised if she starts the kind of behaviour you describe. I can't imagine your d having to view all that.

[BeautifulCrazy]

If you are implementing Medium Chill properly, her actions and reactions have zero to do with you.
Just be there for your DD. Be the safe, calm, predictable parent she needs. Tell her you are there for her. Ask her about how she is doing, how she is feeling. (Don't ask about your ex or what she is doing) If she volunteers any information or stories about your ex, do not judge or talk about her mum's behaviour. Keep the focus on DD, "How are you feeling about that?" "How did you feel when that was happening?" "That sounds like it was stressful for you"
If mum behaves badly (or crazy) you can reassure DD that it has nothing to do with her and doesn't reflect on her. It sucks , but it's also a great opportunity to teach your daughter that acting impulsively based on strong emotions isn't constructive. It gives you a basis for talking about healthy and socially acceptable ways to express yourself and get your needs met. The tricky part is you using your ex as an example of what NOT TO DO while keeping it from being personal. Just keep it focused on DD and her feelings (MC yours) and that will help you stick to the high road.
You know what, eyesopen? From your posts it is clear you are a kind and caring person and a loving parent. You have great capacity for self reflection and problem solving and you don't vilify your ex even when you complain about the level of insanity you're living with. You are doing so much right! I have no doubt you are going rock this life stage and this parenting thing!!

~BC

[NumbLotus]

Is your DD in T?

If not maybe consider it for a couple of reasons. One is the divorce.

The other is that there would be a professional overlooking DD's situation - including if, say, her mother were to self-injure. I don't know but I am thinking there is the chance she could be Baker-Acted if it were a big enough problem for your DD. And of course, either way, an additional (and professional) support to help this upcoming crisis (not to mention the current one).

[BeautifulCrazy]

I think therapy for DD is a brilliant idea if it isn't already happening.
What's coming is just a normal life situation though in my opinion, NumbLotus.
The functional adult sets the tone. So it's only a crisis if you treat it like one. (PDmum will probably have that covered.)
Grief and loss suck but are a normal part of life and love, so it's normal to parent through it and teach your kids coping skills as you go. Also another opportunity to provide safety, stability and calm.

[hhaw]

Yes yes yes, therapy for darling daughter. 

AND please please please take every opportunity to document the toxic thing stbxw says, particularly in front of your dd.
Text instead of phone calls.

Don't let her know you're documenting.

When she tries to cozy up again.... text back sweetly how distressing it was when she said A, B, C and D in front of dd..... how it affected her then let stbxw respond. 

Stay level.  Everything you say and do will be scrutinized also in a divorce.

Good luck,

[NumbLotus]

What's coming is just a normal life situation though in my opinion, NumbLotus.
The functional adult sets the tone. So it's only a crisis if you treat it like one. (PDmum will probably have that covered.)

I agree that the impending loss is not a crisis per se.

I don't know how disordered the stbxw is. If she is like my BPD best friend, or, say, Maxtrem's mother, she may have a crisis, real or manufactured. This is my concern for the DD, not the loss.

If her mom is cutting herself or sobbing on the bathroom floor, that is a crisis for DD. and eyesopen cannot erase that by being calm and stable on his weeks.

Of course, maybe the stbx is not anywhere near that disordered and I really really really hope my post is ridiculous. But if not, I'd want a pro involved.

[hhaw]

I have to chime in here for a second....
every time I thought I'd won a small battle in my divorce from an ASPD N..... it always always ended with me in shock, gobsmacked, rocked back on my heels, unprepared for what came next, with the PD escalating to new unexpected, detrimental levels. 

Divorve a PD, with children in the middle, meant my life would be centered on mitigating harm to my children, but I didn't understand that for many months. 

The truly toxic PDs are masters at manufacturing chaos, harm, and confusion..... they consider children weapons or levers and they rarely  hesitate to use them in an attempt to gain the divorcing partner's compliance or punish them, IME. 

All Pds are different.  Some have a scorched earth policy and some don't.

They'll show us who they are during a divorce soon enought.  That much I do know.

[eyesopen]

Thank you all for the suggestions, recommendations, and stories of your own experiences.  I usually keep an optimistic attitude toward things, but I'm being careful not be naive to the possible negative outcomes.  I'd say it's more hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

The first official week with DD and no exw was wonderful, peaceful, and fun.  I noticed a lack of underlying stress.  DD's attitude was good all week, no whining, pouting, or arguing.  And dropping her with exw yesterday went as smoothly as I prayed it would.

Now I have the week to myself and I'm going to begin making some changes to the house to make it feel more mine and less ours.  Photos of exw and decor that she purchased without my input are all coming down.  I thought about selling the house for a fresh start, but it's walking distance from elementary, middle, and high schools, I can afford it, and I like the floorplan and yard, so I'm going to stay put and make it my own.

Other changes I'm making: I started attending church, mainly to keep a positive outlook and to get more involved with the community.  I'm talking to my family (parents, brother and his wife/kids) more often and making more regular visits with them, which exw had isolated me from with her constant complaints and guilt trips every time I previously wanted to see them.

There's a long road ahead and I know there will be significant challenges along the way, but I like the direction I'm going and feel good about wherever it will take me.