1st Flying Monkey: What are the answers you wanted to give or receive

[Fortuna]

Bit of background:
So I've been NC with my mom for a bit over a month. So far I've received a voice mail, a text and a letter. I listened to the voice mail more out of surprise it got through the block and managed to realize it's more of the same in a politer package so I'm not falling for it and have not responded and have not read either text or letter. But last night I got a text from a cousin I' haven't heard from in a while wanting to catch up.

We were kind of close as kids (see her once a year and we'd have fun and talk about life plans) but I have only ever seen her otherwise when I visited my mom and she went to the family reunion, so an afternoon every few years. I tried to reconnect with her without my mother  arranging it couple of years ago but no one called back. So it's really not standard for her to reach out. If it had happened 6 months ago I wouldn't have thought anything of it but now I'm thinking it might be a flying monkey attack.

The text she sent was stilted and formal. Like hi, this is [full name] your cousin from [state]. when her first name and cousin would have sufficed. The entire text was  written out without a single text abbreviation or emoji. more like a work text than a family text. I'm concerned she's been drafted my her mom to help reconcile my mom and me because my cousin has a background in counseling. I'm fairly certain if she interferes, it's coming from a place of wanting to help. And there also is a non zero chance that after I went NC with mom, that she has glommed onto my cousin and her child for supply (closest youngish targets to my mom) and my cousin realizes something is off and wants to get validation/fears laid to rest.

Q and A:
For those of you who have dealt with flying monkeys of the helper variety, what answers did you wish you had ready and what questions did you wish you asked?

I'm planning on jotting down a few responses if she tries to pry, offers counseling assistance, attempts to put my mom on the phone, and I'm thinking of pretty much starting with a "great to hear from you, it's been a while. Any particular reason you're doing this now?" to allow her to go right to it if she feels like her mom made her do this thing for the faaaaaaamily. 

[Adria]

You could say:

"Why do you ask?" or, "Why are you doing my mother's bidding?" or
"I prefer not to discuss my relationship with my mother. That is between me and my mother."
Then politely change the subject and make it all about her, i.e. "So, how have you been doing? Haven't heard from you in awhile?, The weather here has been sooo . . . etc.

Unfortunately, I've learned too late how to have fun with flying monkeys.  They can be tricky, but I think if they realize you are going to ward them off at the pass, they will stop.  Wish you the best.

[GettingOOTF]

I came up with an explanation with my therapist but I've refined it to "I will not discuss my relationship with my family with you".

I think I've been NC long enough and done enough self work that I no longer feel the need to explain myself. Nothing I said would have made a difference anyway.

Be prepared for anything you say to your cousin to get back to your mother and for it to be twisted and used against you. My experience is that there is no "win" or "fin" here. It's the old "the best way to win is not to play the game".

[Fortuna]

So far I've decided the call will be on speaker phone with my husband after the kids go to bed so we can stop any nonsense quickly. I'm going to endeavor to be polite (still like the cousin and I think either her mom roped her into this or she honestly is trying to help), gently refuse to discuss my mom or our relationship, and give her only general info my mom would already know. I'll try to redirect and ask about her kid whenever it's brought up.

I would love to believe this isn't a flying monkey and that she just decided she wanted to reconnect after her kid went from baby to toddler and she has more brain space available, but the timing is really suspicious. Even the lag between the texts is weird. Texted her some times to talk earlier and haven't heard back yet, so I'm wondering if they are trying to arrange having my mom (or her mom)  be there when she calls or something. I swear my mom is like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park, testing the electric fence for weaknesses. first a voice mail, a text when that failed, then a letter, now possibly a concerned family member. Where's a T-rex when you need one?  I really do resent having to second guess and look for the ulterior motives now with an entire side of the family.

[NumbLotus]

MY H CALLS HIS MOTHER A VELOCIRAPTOR.

You know , next time my H talks about his mother, maybe I'll suggest that HE is the T Rex. Maybe he'd get a kick out of that idea. He is pretty strong with her - but...  you know, it's his mother.

Good luck with the call, sounds like a plan. But, you want to brainstorm some possibilities and responses. Like, what if Mom is in fact on the call, how will you guys respond?

Maybe have some phrases written down to help in a stressful spot.

I don't know if you might ask who is on her end - that is, if Mom is there.

[Fortuna]

I'm going in assuming either my mom is on the call or they plan on telling her every detail. If I find she's actually on the call. I'll basically be telling them that it was highly inappropriate and unfortunately since they decided to try to deceive me I'll be blocking their numbers as well. Then hang up. Then start researching cease and desist letters. 

Right now I'm trying to anticipate the guilt trippy things they might say that I might feel I need a response for. I might be going for the broken record approach of I am not discussing issues in my mom's relationship with you.

[Moxie890]

I have a bit of experience with flying monkeys. Eventually I told them (I wish I would have sooner) in a polite/respectful way that my relationship with my mom was not something I was willing to discuss with them. I said talking about it triggers a lot of hurt and that what's going on is between me and my mom. This is a reasonable boundary. Unfortunately the flying monkeys were not able to respect this boundary and we no longer talk. This makes me sad, but I can not control other people's choices.

[Fortuna]

Turned out to have a nice chat with my cousin. My mom was brought up only in the most indirect of ways. (She wanted to reconnect after my mom came over and she realized we hadn't seen each other in years.) I still feel like I have to treat the whole thing as a recorded conversation that may get back to my mother (if nothing else from an innocuous chatting chain from her to her mother to my mother.) I can deal with that. I'm just glad it wasn't an intervention style 'but she'd your faaaaamily.'

[KeepingMyBlue]

I hate walking this tightrope with the only member of my FOO I still speak to at all. There was one attempt to "bring us together" and it ended with her screaming that we're "both so stubborn!" so it was probably not unNPDM's idea. I started out telling her I didn't want to damage her relationship with M. We still meet for a board game...about twice a year. The conversation is mostly movies and memes and the weather, just in case it gets reported. Honestly, she's the only FOO I would hurt to lose.

[moglow]

Been there done this, had an epiphany I'd like to share - very very rarely would someone enlist a flying monkey and give them all the pertinent details as you onow them. In my experience, they'd a) cry and be all pitiful victim who doesnt know what happened, b) claim "someone must have said/done something..." that pushed you/us away from them, or possibly c) throw out bait to third parties (aunt or cousin) to divide and conquer. I'm sure there's more, but my point is not everyone is a flying monkey and those who are don't necessarily know it. They get to choose how they respond to overtures AND what they believe, same as the rest of us.

I tend to take people at face value - you want to talk about my mother no matter how many times I deflect and change the subject? Flying monkey and I'll prob leave you alone. You open up with things you've seen and heard that concerned you, offer to listen if I want to talk, but make it clear it's not all about her? Possibly not flying monkey - BUT you'd likely be on tolerance with me while I feel it out. Keep bringing up mommie dearest and her stuff and I'm probably going to revert to talks about the weather, the pollen count and the status of my last pedicure. There's always the possibility that your cousin gets it because her mother is much the same, and she has no one to talk to either.

Trust is hard won with many of us, given where we came from.