So I am new here and would like some advice.

[Bella]

Hi, so I am new here and need advice.
[Advice Request]
So I have what seems to be an Nmother and I am recovering sadly I cannot go Nc right since she has so tightly locked down than it would take months to fix the situation and years to be independent.
i know I have my side of responsibility and I am learning to not only take care of myself but also take decisions for myself.
The issue is I am 25 and not doing well at uni, I was sick (physical+ptsd) and depressed due to her actions and everytime I got better she would throw new drama to the situation and I had to watch all of my efforts go down the drain.
Ex she had me moved to the country she wanted me in, shot down every attempt to leave, regularly threaten to cut me off while dangling money in my face. She has dissuaded me from getting a job because she said I would not be able to focus on school, there is a reallly long list.
On my side, even thought I knew I refused to see her for what she was, it was easier to put my head in the sand.
A number of other things are my fault but I don't think I would have known now to react any other way and I am making my peace with that. I am also in therapy.
Now I need to find a way to not only maintain my finances, find a way to become independent knowing I still need her financial backing and while keeping her happy enough that she does not destroy everything once again and also reclaim my agency it had gotten so bad than slightly stressful stuff would send me in a panic attack.
All the while not falling for the "I do all this because I care".
If you guys have any advice I would be grateful.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

For just a moment, I will pretend to know the answer.

Step 1: Find a resource to help you learn what you are dealing with and be able to name it. Our Toolbox is a great place to start. Check out Disorder Types and our What To Do page.

Step 2: Acquire an FOC. Your family of choice is that chosen community that keeps it real for you. And it is real live people you can sit and talk to, face to face. We are here, and this community was invaluable to me. But it doesn't replace a friend who has coffee or beer with you and whom you can trust to keep you honest and on track.

Step3: Write down a list of relevant things you know are true, and things you know aren't true. Share it with your FOC confidant, and ask them to help you complete it.

After that, we don't know. Every journey is so different. I am sorry you feel so trapped, but am glad you can see it. You know you are trapped, so you are working the problem. That is a great start. And -- I know how it feels -- but you are only 25, so you are great to be doing this now and not in another decade or more. Believe me, many of us here dealt with toxic and confining people who limited our ability to thrive for decades. So be proud of yourself.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. They'll be important. You can do this.

Be good. Be strong.

[Bella]

Thank you for your answer.

It's definitely Narcissism maybe mixed with something else but she is a Narcissist for sure I have been reading about the disorder.
Is there a way to make them follow their promises or is it time wasted ?
Would telling them minor things a viable way to redirect the manipulation toward something I don't care rather than having it messing up something important ?
Would giving her credit about positive things be useful or would she see it as the deflection it is ?
Are there ways to mitigated her influence without going no contact.

I realised that I am going to have to hide a lot of things -_-

[bloomie]

Welcome Bella - You are already doing so many good and wise things for yourself. Therapy, self awareness, continuing to prioritize your education, reaching out here and looking for strategies and tools to help you until you can break free completely.

Some helpful and validating resources can be found in our other media resources list here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=45.0

There are so many great youtube vids, free articles, and books and such that you can access at any time that will help empower you and give you more confidence as you identify where you need to make changes and think through how and when to best go about that.

Something that we hopefully all realize at some point is that our life is our own. Our choices, details and specifics belong to us. And it is our right to share or keep discreet those things. In other words... we most all come to a place of not allowing full access to our private lives to our parents. Even healthy loving parents. That is right and a vital part of separating. With a suspected PD parent it can be a rough go, so getting wise in real life counsel on how to go about this will serve you well.

Keep coming back for support and encouragement and be patient and gentle with yourself. You are already so much further than I was at your age... or even a decade later!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello Bella,

You are wise and you are on the right track. Before I ended the relationship with my abusive mother I did years of damage control- the way you describe. I kept information to myself, and I redirected her. I limited how much I shared in conversation. I gave 1 word answers to her despite being a naturally chatty person.

This was damage control for me, while I was still in contact, as you are and will be for a while yet.

As the daughter of a narcissistic mother I learned that there is nothing I could say or do to establish anything that would be in a relationship between a non-narcissistic parent and child. Narcissism is a disorder and as such, their ability to behave well is very very limited.

The way I handled her is not the way I would attempt a healthy connection to healthier people. But with her it was the way to have boundaries. When she got angry, ie had a tantrum, I would back away and eventually I stopped arguing at all. If she said the sky was yellow not blue I was like yep. Ok.

Finding support and an FOC (family of choice) as the child of immature parents, takes time. Unless you are lucky ebough to meet some truly healthy people who understand PDs and narcissism, it can be hard to get the average person to become a supportive person towards you who can understand your situation. Most people do not understand PD abuse or the issues related to immature parents.

I distinguish then, between FOC, people who can understand what you are dealing with, and people who you enjoy seeing to share time, a shared interest, study sessions, movies , etc. Those folks are part of your social system, and can give you time away from your mom that is enjoyable. Most of them are unlikely to understand what you deal with at home but can offer a welcome reprieve from it.

To answer your question anout her promises, sigh, no. My uNPDm does not follow through on her many promises. It is the disorder talking when she makes pronouncements. Again looking back on my years before NC, I limited how much I told her about my day to day life or abything about myself, and I didn't ever count on her to follow through.

Good luck and welcome to this forum.

Trees

[Bella]

Thank you for your answers.
I realised yesterday that I had started developing a really fragile ego for the past five years thanks to her, there was an "incident".
Before that  I could brush off pretty much anything or at least it wasn't directly I packing my life,
I am lucky I have friends who understand even thought we are not in the same country.

The problem she is not a full narc, like she has a lot of charisma and is so persuasive than even with everything I know part of me still think that maybe it was not done on purpose and when she behaves (some times for a few months) it's  easy to forget what her real face is like.

I am afraid than even if I give something to chew on, her words will still impact me.
It was a bit triggering to see that 17 out 20 usual stuff that nmother usually do we're childhood experiences.

If I handle it well I can get what I want but a few weeks later she attempts to pull it away.
The issue with my schooling is if I tell her I have some kind of test in the next 30s she will give me upsetting news, or tell me at the last minute she is arriving on the day of an exam, or show up early in the morning and expect me to have the appart clean like a whistle and that I went grocery shopping just for her and that I am the perfect host even if I am sick and class all week.
She promises to pay for things but sends the money weeks late or tell me a price tag that is 80% lower than the real cost and I have to shell out or she nags me "for my own well being".
I have managed to cut down a lot of things but I realised it just made drama escalate.

I need to bring it back down to bereaved levels but if I feign to be upset over small things then she might use those as evidence that she needs to be more involved.

She also likes to surround me with friends or people who are indebted to her, to the point that even from a country away, I have to be really cautious lest someone tells her something.
Boy this is a headache 

To me this is not the worst what actually hurts is all the wasted opportunities and potential, I literally project and expect behaviour like this from other people in my life, I realise now that there are so many people I could have had healthy positive relationships with.

Also I may not want to know the answer to this. But some of you are mothers
, would you knowingly induce early delivery by yourself (against doctors orders I assume) by being active, more than a month and a half before delivery. Then jokingly say that you got tired of the pregnancy ???? Then when ask again say that it was a painful pregnancy????

[Bella]

I may have answered that last question myself

[bloomie]

Bella - It is my understanding and personal experience that many psychological conditions - PD's for example - exist on a spectrum. So, it makes sense that there are times when you experience your mother's behaviors as less difficult than others and that can certainly lead to self doubt and a great deal of false guilt and confusion.

One of our founding members eclipse says something like this: when someone treats you well 90% of the time and badly 10% of the time you feel badly 100% of the time.

Learning to recognize both overt and covert narcissistic tactics used has been a game changer for me. Your mother sabotaging you right before an important exam/event in your life or promising gifts or help in some way you then count on that has strings attached or never materializes are some of the things I also experienced with my own mother.

I need to bring it back down to bereaved levels but if I feign to be upset over small things then she might use those as evidence that she needs to be more involved.

I am not sure I understand what you are saying here but suggest reading in the glossary and doing a board search for a very helpful tactic called Medium Chill which outlines two key components about how to not share personal information and get involved in another's drama or chaos and to shift the focus from your mother's feelings and needs to your own.

The full article is found here: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

Also I may not want to know the answer to this. But some of you are mothers
, would you knowingly induce early delivery by yourself (against doctors orders I assume) by being active, more than a month and a half before delivery. Then jokingly say that you got tired of the pregnancy ???? Then when ask again say that it was a painful pregnancy????

As a mother I can say empathically no to your questions. As a daughter of a disordered, addicted, mentally unstable mother I can relate to the grief and anguish of having this kind of story blithely told over our lives. I am so sorry your mother has failed you in this way and can only hope that you know deep inside (or are coming to terms with this and will know) that this is 100% about her and her lack, not yours.

[Bella]

Hi, Thank you again,
I have been reading more about it, but most of the things I saw are for people who are no longer dependant , they are married, or are already working.

What I meant was since I am still dependant, I want to feed her enough that I get the stable financial support I need but also peace in order to become independent. I have been taking my distances and practicing mid chills bu that only led to escalating behaviour on her side. So until I can identify my support system not feeding her seem a tad too risky.

She also nip in the bud any overt attempt at independence (even getting my driver's license), limiting information leads to her being more intrusive in more covert ways.

Now that I know for sure what she is up too I am changing strategy, feeding her leads to me getting the support I need, her knowing that I am upset also lead to that. I am wondering how effective it is to fake it without her getting wise to it and how much I can feed her without being too affected by her.

It can take me anywhere between a couple of hours to a month to recover from contact with her, which is usually when I let deadline slip or just don't do what I am supposed to and shoot myself in the foot.

I currently have to fix the consequences of the last lap. I am also figuring what system I can't put in place to manage all this.

I am not even sad anymore but I want children and there is no way in hell I am going to let them deal with this mess or my own trauma, so I have to get a handle on it before I have them.

All of of your answers have been really helpful. Thank you.